feeling fake: I'm tired of acting

dorothy · ‎26-07-2014

Here goes, anyone who knows me thinks I'm a happy, confident caring person. And being a nurse my job requires such qualities, being a mother requires this, being a wife requires this and so I play this role, I want to be like this but the reality is I am dying inside, always anxious and nervous feeling over whelmed all the time. I am tired of acting, I'm tired of anxiety attacks and tired of feeling sad for no reason. I have to push myself to be motivated not out of wanting its a necessity when the truth is I could gladly just curl up in bed all day and withdraw from society, family and friends. And what is sadder no one can tell.

white knight · ‎26-07-2014

Hi Dorothy, welcome to BB forum.

I would say its time to embark on a journey of self discovery. First your GP then some therapy. You hold your feelings in and I dont think that's a good idea at all. IMO. Life when you are working and have children can be so mundane with obvious rewarding moments with your kids. But it sounds like you arent fulfilled.

I could suggest some adrenalin filled activities....ballooning?, mountain bike riding? Some of these activities the kids can join in. What about planning a way to drop of working to part time?

Anyway a counsellor will sort thing out better than I can. And a GP could identify medical issues. Cheers.

White_Rose · ‎26-07-2014

Dear Dorothy

Welcome to BB, so glad you are able to reach out to us. I am a mother (and grandmother), was a wife and held a full-time job. At times I wondered if I was even visible to other people. You are obviously one of the world's carers and givers and that can be a hard job however rewarding.

Love of others is not the whole answer. We must love ourselves as well. In fact it more important to love ourselves. Not in a selfish, egoist, me, me, me fashion. If we do not love ourselves it is harder for others to love us. I'm certain your family love you, they just take you for granted, just like most mothers are taken for granted.

It seems to me from a long time of observation that mothers who have their own lives are less anxious and worried. Time to let the family do some managing on their own. I don't know how old your children are so I cannot make any suggestions about this. Perhaps you can come up with an answer.

Meanwhile sort out your health before you become chronically unwell. Your description of yourself sounds like depression so go to your doctor and get a proper diagnosis. Perhaps medication and a referral to a psychologist. I don't know.

Once you start your health improving then it's time to do things just for you. Watching the boys play football and the girls play netball can be exciting and good for them. Your also need your recreation times.

Depending on your interests this can be things such WK has suggested. Or perhaps something more sedentary such as joining a club of some sort. Exercise, as you would know, has a great impact on depression. It releases endorphins etc and really improves your mental functioning. So can you attend a class of some sort at your local gym? Pilates for example?

What I most want to say is that you can feel better and I hope my words will help by giving you some comfort and understanding. We tell people so often to go to their GP that I think we should get a commission on their fees. What do you think?

Get back to us soon and especially if you have some questions.

Regards

LING

AGrace · ‎26-07-2014

Hi Dorothy,

Welcome to the forums, I hope that this can be a space where you feel comfortable to take off the mask and share how you are really feeling.

I think most of us have experienced a similar situation. I know I have. I worked full time, I am a partner, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. For years no one knew the extent of my suffering. I even managed to fool 3 different Psychologists. The sad part of the story is when you don't deal with your emotions and thoughts they eventually come crashing down and take everything in there path with them as well.

Of all the roles we play, the most important is our self. We spend so much time helping and fulfilling the needs of others, that the one person we neglect is our self. Opening up here is a good place to start. I'd also suggest you have a chat with your husband, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by his reaction when he discovers you are struggling.

In order to spend some time nurturing yourself I guess you need to come up with a plan. Perhaps reducing your hours at work, or taking some sick leave, or annual leave? Perhaps getting a friend or relative to help out around the house? Maybe asking your children to be a bit more supportive and getting your husband to see to them for a little while to give you a break?

As the others have suggested, heading off to your GP is the next step. From here you can arrange to see a Psychologist/Psychiatrist and maybe start some medication.

Once the mask comes off, you'll wonder why you spent so long wearing it. It gives such a relief when you don't have to operate at 110% while your true feelings are hidden behind a facade of bliss.

I hope you will get back to us. There is always someone here to listen.

AGrace

dorothy · ‎27-07-2014

Thank you all for your input, I feel relieved knowing I can put it out there and people know how I am feeling.

OK some history, I think I have had depression and anxiety all my life and have hid it very well. About 4 years ago I felt like a crumbling mess and did seek help from the GP who prescribed medication. This did help and I would say saved my life as for the first time I actually felt normal happy and panic free most of the time. Last Feb I went on a holiday and forgot to pack my medication thus was without it for 2 weeks and felt fine, I felt like I was more awake, clear, real without them if you know what I mean. I did go to the GP and said I would like to see how I would go without them which he agreed.

Reality check now I feel depressed anxious and panic attacks have crept in now more than ever. I thought maybe I should de stress my life and applied for a new position which was less stressful and got it. (I have to work full time) and the new job is a wonderful opportunity and I am very lucky. Now because of what is going on with my mind I went back to see my GP and he agreed to start me back on my medication. My question is he commenced me on my usual dose which is high and said it would be ok as I have had this dose before. I thought he would on started on lower dose and then increase it ?????

I do have a plan in place he suggested commence medication and then try CBT which I agree would be a good idea. Now guess what my dilemma is I haven't started the medication as I am afraid of side effect I may feel worse and have more panic attacks, I have read post at how bad side effects are and I am afraid this is going to happen to me and as I said I have to work and not take time off. And the stupid thing is I've been on this medication before. I know I have to do it as I feel I'm falling into a black hole, I'm such an idiot, a fool

This last say 2 months have been awlful

White_Rose · ‎27-07-2014

Dear Dorothy

The big question for me is, did you have any or major side effects when you first took the ADs? If you did not, why would you suppose you will have them this time?

Without being any kind of medical expert I would presume your doctor realised how unwell you are and wants you to get back to "normal" as quickly as possible. Why not try taking the ADs again as prescribed and see what happens. Yes I understand your concerns and many people have reported unpleasant side effects from ADs. It can be a hit and miss process.

My psychiatrist and I spent about 18 months trying to find a medication that a) worked and b) had no unpleasant side effects. This did not happen. The AD that worked was really bad in terms of side effects so he gave me another AD in addition to the one with side effects. The second AD mitigated most of the bad effects of the first.

Now I realise this may be feeding your anxiety but my point is that you apparently were managing OK with your AD and feeling better. Even with the second medication I could not tolerate what the psych called a therapeutic dose of AD. So I struggled along for many years which was, not to put too fine a point on it, a right bastard.

If you had no ill effects from the meds, or they did not last long, then go for it. Even with my difficulties I managed to work successfully. This is not a boast. Just an observation.

If you are concerned about feeling less than competent when taking the ADs, may I suggest you start at the prescribed dose and continue until you are again stable. Then discuss with the doctor reducing the dose a small amount at a time to see if you can manage on a lower amount and feel alert again. The most important thing is to get yourself going again and deal with other things as and when they arise.

I'm told one of my failings is being too directive. Please excuse me if this is how I appear. I would love to hear that you are once again enjoying life and being as well as possible.

Regards

LING

AGrace · ‎27-07-2014

HI Dorothy,

You're by no means a fool. I think it's pretty valid that you would be nervous about starting on a decent dose of medication. I think LING has a good point. The initial gradual introduction of Antidepressants is usually just to make sure that you don't have any negative reactions, so it's understandable to start small and increase the dose over time. Doctors are also hesitant to put you on a "high" dose initially as you may respond really well to a very low dose. I think the Doctor you saw feels comfortable that at the dose you were taking previously you were getting results without any ill effects and therefore there's no medical reason not to put you on that dose again.

You're right in saying that some people have negative effects from their medication, but many people have no effects at all, or like me have had positive effects. If you are worried about work maybe consider taking your first dose when you have one or two days off. Other than that I don't think there's much reason to wait. I think you'll find that having structure and being at work will actually help you push through any tiredness etc.

I always tell my partner whenever I start any new medication and get him to text or check in on me through the day, this might help you feel a little at ease.

Just think it won't be long now until you're feeling much better. Are you seeing a Psychologist for the CBT?

AGrace