feeling broken

[May_84]

hi everyone,
I am very new to this and I wanted to reach out and introduce myself. My name is May and I have been living with depression for the last 8 years. I probably had it for longer but I was diagnosed in 2009. I really thought I had gotten everything under control over the last two years but since I slowly weened myself off of anti-depressants I have had a bicycle accident which resulted in fractures that necessitated me taking time off work and needing to push my studies back (I am now very behind my full time studies and I have assignments and exam revision I am trying to do which has been incredibly stressful). I also feel very behind at work because I had to take a significant amount of time off and I didn't have much leave due to being relatively new with my employer. I think the injury and subsequent time off work and well feeling useless and isolated has not been very helpful. I haven't been able to exercise and my eating hasn't been great which I know would not be helping me right now. I have been finding myself feeling quick to anger and I feel like i am full of negative emotions (I've never been an angry person so this is a very new thing to feel anger as a response to stimuli that would never make me angry). I am so ashamed of how I am feeling and I have been hashing over my past mistakes and things I have done when I know I should have known better. Instead of forgiving myself, I am dragging myself over the coals and punishing myself for not being a better person. I am not proud of the person I have been at times in the past and although I have made many positive changes I am not allowing myself to forgive and move on. I even know that its not right and I should forgive myself but on the inside I don't feel worthy, It's like I keep punishing myself even though I would and have forgiven others for much worse. I look at myself as a person who lacks integrity a as a result of my past and I am struggling to reconcile that my future is all that matters. I just feel like I am in a really dark place and I am already dreading the fact that I have to go to work on Monday and put on a brave face when all I want to do is cry. I am sorry to share such a negative story but I didn't know where else to go.

thank you everyone

[Mathy]

Hi May and welcome,

You poor love, that’s a big chunk of bad things that have happened at the wrong time 😞

Have you thought about making an appointment with the health professional(s) that helped you with your depression previously?

That may take some time to organise, so perhaps it might be helpful to break some of this into chunks that you can deal with, bit by bit.

For example:

Can you speak with Uni and negotiate extra time for the assignments? Also, if you communicate with them about your situation, you may be able to negotiate with Uni about the exams - some allow extra time during the exam and some may allow a delay - depends on the Uni. Also, if you communicate with the Uni and do poorly in an exam, you should be able to get a re-sit due to your circumstances. You also might consider investigating whether you can take some sort of leave of absence due to illness - if you have a medical certificate, you might get to do those subjects again without paying additional HECS, if that’s what is worrying you. Send the Uni an EMAIL this weekend, then you’ll know you’ve started that process.

For work, can you prioritise the important and work out a schedule for doing it? Then, if you are able to speak with your manager, you look organised, and may be able to get some help with it. I know it can be difficult in a new workplace, but is there someone you can talk to? If not, if you work for a large organisation, they may have a mental health help line (phone number) that you can use with confidentiality. I know this might sound difficult given how you feel, but often making a plan can help you feel better, because you are taking charge and clarifying stuff. Can you enlist a friend to help?

Far from being negative, your post shows that you are very articulate and understand what has brought you to where you are now. So, next cab off the rank could be focussing on eating well this weekend, and giving yourself some time to “smell the roses” .

Don’t like cliches, but I’m in the same boat, so I understand how you feel.

Sorry this got wordy, probs not great if you can’t get to the end, cheers M 🙂

[RandR]

Hello and welcome to the BB forums May 🙂

It's extremely hard to reach out when you feel like your back is up against the wall, everything is crashing down and only darkness looms. However, despite this feeling, all is not as bad as you feel or think and we are here to listen and support and can say with great assurances that we to were once in the shadows of darkness. BUt remember, there can be no shadows without light!

8 years of depression can't be easy. I should know having suffered major depression for 12 years from the age of 18-30. I'm glad to hear that you came off the medication however bicycle accidents are never fun and having had a few myself know the setbacks that they can create. But just realise and remember that setbacks are just 'setbacks', nothing more. They are not permanent.

It's only a natural that due to the chain of events that study and stress come into play. Considering your circumstances, an understanding employee would truly appreciate your situation and 'support' you and not neglect you. Depression and being limited in ones ability to be mobile and exercise etc can lead to a 'not ideal' diet. I am and have been guilty of this too! As for feeling ashamed and making mistakes in all honesty, good. I too felt the same and I can say with great assurance that I don't know anyone (friends, family or stranger alike) that has ever grown or developed themselves further without making mistakes and feeling ashamed of themselves from time to time. That's called reflection, being human, having a conscience and reflecting. All +ve's despite the feeling. The past will always be the past. Something to reflect on. Learn from and accept the fact that it can't be changed but can be embraced.

As for not being proud of who you are, punishing yourself and not feeling worthy, well I can say that I wen through that too. To the extent that I wanted to end my own life on multiple occasions. The truth is, based on what you have shared, is that you DO have integrity and a lot more to offer. Darkness and feeling the way you and I have can change who we really are deep down. DESPERATION has made me do things I never would of seen myself doing EVER! When people become desperate, they do what is foreign to them.

LET GO of the weight you carry. Use the past as a reflection and reminder or what you don't want for yourself ideally and as a strength of your inner ability. Turn the negative into a positive.

All the best and hope 2 hear from you 🙂

R

[Mathy]

Sorry May, I just thought of this.

As a student, your University would have support services to help with all of the issues that you are facing. Would’ve probably be the quickest, cost effective way to help you. Hope that helps, cheers M 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear May

A warm welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a place to meet new people and talk about depression with those who have been there.

I am concerned about you weaning yourself off antidepressants. Was this under medical supervision? Sadly antidepressants have become a necessity for some for many years but to stop taking them can cause your depression to flare up again. May I ask why you stopped taking the ADs? I also stopped a couple of years ago although this was with my GP's permission and supervision. There is a time when everything feels OK after the AD have stopped but I found I was back to my depression after a couple of months.

I hope you are now fully recovered from your bike accident. It does take time to recover from broken bones and even when the bone has knitted there are still many hours of exercise to get your muscles working again at full strength. This is a time when you can feel as though nothing has changed with your depression, your resources are not at full strength because of the accident and there are pressures to get working at full speed again.

It is amazing how quickly we lose our sense of well-being. Being forced to stay at home and probably not having much contact with friends can make us feel bad about ourselves. You say you have a lot of study to catch up on. When you were injured did you apply to have time off from study? It seems reasonable to ask as you were unable to attend classes. If you have not already done so can you ask for an extension or ask to repeat these subjects next year?

It's a sad thing but depression can sneak in and tell us how hopeless we are. You feel frustrated because you are not moving forward and this frustration has turned to anger. It is quite natural so please stop beating yourself up. You have experienced a setback and your brain is telling you it's laziness. Again, not your fault. I know most people who go through depression feel the same as you. We are all beset by feelings of inadequacy, shame, remorse and regret.

Forgiving yourself is hard as you often repeat mistakes and then take it as a demonstration of our unworthiness. it will take time to get well again. Have you had any therapy in the past? If so, can you return to this person? If your GP has not referred you to anyone perhaps it's time to ask for a referral. Why do you think you have no integrity when you are admitting your mistakes and trying to do better. That's what integrity is about. Write in again.

Mary

[May_84]

hi Mathy,
Thank you so much for your warm welcome and the kind and thoughtful advice. I really appreciate your comments and everyone else's.
Currently I am trying to organise an appointment but it is really hard to find a professional who I gel with (being in a similar industry I can generally tell when someone is trying to "CBT me"). I have a really good GP who has a great gift with MH and I know I can always see her.

I have spoke with my uni and I am linked in with an amazing disability liaison officer and I am in the process of applying for a special consideration so that I can have my exams deferred (based on both my bicycle accident and my depression). I am a little worried that they will knock me back but I am just hoping that they accept my application to complete my exams in the deferred exams period. I still have two assignments to go which I am working on and it really is the last thing I want to do (already had extensions for these as my affected arm was my dominant one).
In regards to work, they have been really helpful and so wonderful but they don't know about my depression and I am a little worried that I will need to take time off as a result of the depression (but I don't have any leave left now as a result of the accident). I also don't want to be defined by this and I know if I have to disclose it, they will be supportive but I have had to disclose before and i want to avoid it if I can.
In relaiton to beating myself up, I am sad to read that others go through this such as yourself but it is comforting to know that others understand how painful this is. It really is the worst aspect of my illness for me. The thoughts that just appear out of nowhere are exhausting. But I am fighting and I have a wonderful partner who just listens and comforts me. I just keep telling him that I worry ill burn him out. My mum has been ill my whole life (started with post natal which is now depression and anxiety). when she is very unwell she takes it out on my father (she will not talk to him for days at a time). I know it is her illness and i try and support her but I also see how hard it is on my father and he won't go to any support groups and mum has tried counselling but never really followed through. So I guess that makes me worry that I will put him through something similar even though I am a polar opposite to my mother and I talk and don't get angry. Oh I've typed a lot!
Thanks so so much Mathy, Your kindness means a lot

[May_84]

Hi RandR,
Thank you so much for the kind supportive words and taking the time out to reply to my message. I am really touched by all the replies I have received and the supportive words that everyone has provided. I am so glad I found this community!
Thank you for the reassurance about my setback. I need to remind myself that it is just that- a set-back and I will get back on the bike (literally and so-to-speak!). I think its just reinforced to me that massive disruptions to routine can be so challenging and I must admit, I have been shocked by this.
My employer is wonderful and so supportive and have been very flexible with my needs pertaining to the bicycle accident however I have not had to share with them about my depression and I don't really want to. I shouldn't feel that way I know but I guess I just don't know what reception I will get and although I am not ashamed, I just fear being defined by it.
I am truly grateful for what you have shared with me. On one hand I am grateful that others know what it is like but then I feel guilt because the flipside of this is that others like yourself, have gone through the pain that I know all too well. I am trying to forgive myself and use the mistakes as a catalyst for driving me to be a better person but I do feel the pull back in of negativity. I guess all i can do is to keep fighting and remind myself that no-one is perfect and if they say so, they are lying!
Thank you so much for sharing your story RandR- it has helped me immensely.
May

[May_84]

Hi White Rose,
I just wanted to say thank you so so much for taking the time out to reply to my message. I really appreciate how many people have dedicated a little of their day to my cause and the kind comments and very helpful suggestions have been wonderful to read. I am very glad to have found this little community.

in relation to my AD's, I have been on them for years and I had been feeling better than I had in years and was on the lowest dose I have ever been on. Life was looking really good and was doing well in my masters degree and also this year i started a job which was a step-up for me. I really felt like life was turing around and that I was ready to ween myself off and had told a GP so I didn't do it alone. But I guess my body wasn't ready and I am now back on them (I still have a script and also an emergency pack just in case. I have consulted my GP about the dosage to take and i am just waiting for them to kick in i guess.

In relation to my bike accident, I am getting there. I am not able to exercise yet but I am walking around without my leg brace and arm sling which has been amazing (the leg brace was particularly difficult to wear as it kept falling off!).

Yes i must admit I found it scary how quickly i lost my sense of self and it really did give me a stark reminder that I am not out of the woods and that this beast has a bit more of a hold on me than I thought. I was lucky to get extensions for my assessments and as I am a long distance student, I didn't have to attend classes anyway. However as I was not feeling well and on strong painkillers (which I believe can increase signs of depression), I fell behind in my studies. I am trying to apply for a special consideration so that I can defer my exams as I really cannot write fast and for long periods due to my injured arm being my dominant arm (and my exams are generally very very long in terms of writing).

Thank you of the words of support re my feelings of low self worth. This for me is the hardest aspect and I am working on it. I am trying to reingage with some previous professionals that I have been engaged with but its hard to find a psychologist that I feel will help. I have a background in a similar field and I know a lot of the theory bases they work from which can make it hard.

Thank you again. I am so grateful for the support I have been given and for your message.

May

[Mathy]

Hi May, I’m glad that my few words helped you feel supported. And it’s a 2 way street, because it brings me some happiness to know that spending a few minutes of my time was valued, ‘cos I’m in a bit of a bad place at the moment, and your post gave me a smile. Thank you and keep on keeping on!

[RandR]

Hi @May_84

You are very welcome and as you've no doubt noticed, you are not alone and people are always available to help if you simply reach out and ask for it.

I'm happy to hear that everyone's replies helped and exceptionally happy to hear that my two cents helped you immensely. The feedback is greatly appreciated and means a lot.

Keep in touch with us, I hope you are well and keep up the positive attitude and keep fighting the fight 🙂

You will turn this around, I assure you 🙂

Regards,

Raman.