Feeling ashamed and stressed. I seem to always make the wrong decisions and I can't ever be happy

[SweetChariot]

I recently was in a role which I hated for years and decided to give myself an ultimatum to quit and find a new role or to begin a masters program or further study in an area I would enjoy more in January. I wanted to allow myself this happiness of change and to force myself to do something different but I feel I haven't been able to enjoy anything.

I have enough savings to not worry about working for months and I have found a new role but I have been very stressed and upset due to the long HR and background check process. Although I received the role confirmation in the first week of November , it seems I wont be able to start until earliest mid January and I fear if they have another security check delay, until February. I find myself very stressed out as people ask me what I am doing in my time now and when I will start the role but in all honesty I do not know and feel as though I don't want to speak to anyone or be around people. I feel also stressed and sad as I was offered another role which I rejected for this position that I would have already started in November but I had hoped the role I am now waiting for would be better. I feel sad that I am waiting for so long and feel people must be judging me and thinking poorly of me for not just staying longer in the job I originally had until my clearances were complete as I left that role in October. I feel also quite lost and unsure of myself. I want to try and do the right thing and be a good person. I thought I would give myself a break and be proud of making his change but I just feel awful and sad and unable to enjoy it because of the uncertainty and delays in the background process.

I also fear what if this new role isn't actually any better and maybe it is just me that can't seem to find my place or find satisfaction in what I am doing. I feel I don't have anything to look forward to or be proud of and feel as though if this role doesn't work out, (whenever I do start) that I may fall apart. I don't know what else to try and am losing the strength to keep hoping. I wish I was a better person and made better decisions and just feel so upset and uncertain of whether things will turn out better for me in the near future. I wish I had something good for myself that I could be proud of. I feel like I am failing and I want to be better.

[Sophie_M]

Dear SweetChariot, 

We're so sorry to hear that you think you are failing and that you feel sad, and feel as though you might fall apart. We can hear how concerned you are about not being currently employed, and you are so fearful of judgment. That must be an awful feeling. It's unfortunate that the HR process is taking so long! 

On a more positive note, it's good to hear that you were successful with two job applications. Job interviews can be difficult, and it sounds like you did a good job with them. 

Given how intense your emotions are right now, we encourage you to contact our support service for free and confidential counselling and referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

We also encourage you to get in contact with your GP and discuss how you're feeling, and consider getting a mental health care plan organised to see a psychologist. You're dealing with some pretty heavy feelings, and you do not have to go through it alone. 

We're really glad that you posted what's going on for you on our forums. Hopefully, you find posting here comforting and helpful. We're here to support you and listen. 

[tranzcrybe]

You seem to be carrying the blame for the delays of your new organisation as if it is 'your fault' when people ask after you.
No need, just call it out for what it is - "they are still doing the paperwork and I am enjoying my freedom in the interim". Besides, there is always the shut down over Christmas, and January is often a sluggish start for some.
Leaving in October seems only to represent your displeasure in the previous role - nothing to do with the why's and how's of now. The break will help you reset.
As long as your new position is assured (signed and sealed), and you have no 'secrets' to be concerned about, it sounds like a breath of fresh air... or until you find something more appealing 😉
You know, what you 'do' doesn't necessarily make you a better (or worse) person, and any decisions you make always lead you to new discoveries - it's not about 'good' or 'bad' decisions, it's but a means, a pathway along which you grow, where the destination is actually irrelevant.

[Petal22]

Hi SweetChariot,

Well done for making such a huge decision….. you have got out of your comfort zone and that is amazing! Now you just have to sit back and wait for the rewards and they will come! Stay positive

When people ask you what you are doing just reply that you are waiting to start your new and exciting role!

It really doesn’t matter what other people think they can have their thoughts……. There perceptions and you can have yours! Make yours truly wonderful!

I learned that nothing in life is 100 percent certain and that’s ok! That’s the fun of it…… we really don’t know what will happen next……. Just go along for the ride I’m sure your life journey will take you on a wonderful path..

With the time you currently have on your hands invest it in yourself and doing the things you love to do even if that’s going out side and enjoying the sun shine 😊

Im sure everything will work out for you…. Even better 😊