Hi Toby_Girl4
My heart goes out to you as you face one of the toughest times in your life. I'm so glad you came here to connect to people who can relate in a variety of ways to how the depths of depression can feel. I think one of the hardest things about trying to manage a depression is when people just can't relate.
'Why am I so depressed?' is the most important question someone in a depression can ask. It's highly significant step on the path to greater self understanding. Another way of putting it is 'Why am I working the way I am?'. Personally, over the years, I've found so many different reasons for why I've found myself in a depression. From purely physical reasons (chemical imbalances, lack of energy input, pure exhaustion etc) through to mental reasons (inner dialogue, belief systems I grew up with that I never recognised as depressing, a lack of certain skills in ways of thinking etc) through to more so soulful reasons. Sometimes all 3 combined created intense challenge. The ultimate challenge was always the same and that involved getting a better sense of what was depressing me. I think being able to say 'It makes complete sense as to why I feel the way I do or why I'm feeling life the way I am' offers some relief and validation.
Not sure whether you can relate but 2 of my biggies for depression are 1)a seriously depressing lack of energy and 2)depressing inner dialogue. If I had to describe what plenty of energy feels like, I'd say it's the feeling of life running through me. It's like being a human battery in full charge, with the ability to do just about anything and the ability to connect with life itself in so many different forms (people, experiences, places, high end emotions etc). So, the opposite of that can feel intensely depressing. With inner dialogue, what's truly uplifting can involve the ability to tap into all the high end incredible facets of self that serve in the way of motivation and inspiration, such as 'the adventurer', 'the risk taker', 'the high achiever', 'the sage/inner guide', 'the seer/visionary of all that's brilliant' etc etc. Low end is a whole different story. While 'the harsh and brutal depressing inner critic' can be one obvious and cruel facet, 'the saboteur' which can work through the emotional eater in us, the emotional drinker, the retail therapy shopper and more isn't as obvious. So, while the sage in us can be saying in one way or another 'You're going through one of the toughest times in your life on your own, you need support and guidance in the way of navigation and you need to be kinder to yourself', our harsh and brutal depressing inner critic can chime in with 'No one can help you. You're like this simply because you're weak and pathetic and you're destined to go nowhere'. Depressing facets of self can definitely make life feel like hell on earth sometimes. The ability to channel the high end facets while in a depression is definitely a skill worth mastering. 🙂
