feeling alone, scared and disconnected

hope4joy · ‎28-01-2016

i'm not really sure what else to say, i just hate how difficult i find it to be myself around people, and how i always seems to put on this front of being all okay and superficial, i dunno, not really showing my true self. and that means i get so lonely not really connecting to people. i wish i could change this, its something I've done since i was a kid. it feels so lonely to not truly connect. if only animals were human and then i'd have no problems, i feel so safe in their presence 🙂 Gosh this thing called life is difficult to understand at times.

xyadts · ‎28-01-2016

Hello hope4joy, I'm sorry to read how difficult it is for you to live behind a façade. You say you've done this since childhood. Is there some event that might have triggered this behaviour.

You say you wish you could change things. You may be able to, if you can answer two questions.

1. Who is stopping you from changing

2.Why

Guest_1055 · ‎29-01-2016

Dear hope4 joy

I was wondering if you actually knew who your true self is? Because I don't think I know who I am. And I do not know how one finds out.....I have lost my thoughts now, gone. Anyway I will just give you a hug . I hope my thoughts come back....

With love to you

Shelley xx

Durras · ‎29-01-2016

Hi hope4joy

I can feel where your coming from.

I don't know who I am too and I hate being in social environments and also family gatherings because I feel weak around them, like isolated thou I am there and even to put on a façade I don't know how, I don't know what to say, start conversations, continue conversations or really just to be or feel apart of the family or group of people. I honestly am within feeling disconnected because I don't know who I am and how to be apart and share my life with them to connect in anyway with them.

I wish I had the answers to help you sincerely I do.

What I am trying to do thou is find something I am really passionate about (I'm starting a course in Community Services) yeah strange and I feel isolated within from the community lol but for me I love helping people who are less fortunate then I or with the elderly and I am hoping this may help me find me too ( if that makes sense)

Here on BB I have read many posts about things to do with what you eat also can help bring around positive changes and help your mind to work stronger then relying on medication.

I think it is sometimes what we put into our minds as positive then we receive ( I know easier said then done) but it is also part of the building ourselves to be stronger or to help us find who we are and our purpose and so we can feel more apart/belonging of this life, community, society and family and make strong connections outside of BB.

Ok Now I am rambling on and probably not making sense so I will stop here.

Hope this has somewhat helped in some way. Keep in touch

Carol

hope4joy · ‎29-01-2016

Hi xyadts,

thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes it does boil down to your questions - what is stopping me from changing. It is me that is stopping myself, there is no-one else in the way. And it is from a childhood of fear that I developed this way of being. But through being inauthentic it means I miss out on the very thing I hope for - meaningful connection. So my protection is also a shield. But to change is another thing altogether. I see that with my passion - art - i am willing to take many risks and am moving forward. But in friendships/ connections/ relationships i take hardly any risks and am moving forward at slower than a snail's pace. I'm starting schema therapy next week and I want to find what limiting beliefs or values or models or something it is that means I am so stuck in this area. Its been this way for too long and I need to change, its too painful to stay like this. And its not for want of trying, i have tried socialising so much over my lifetime, but rather than changing what i do i now need to change how i do it. I think i'm rambling.

Have you got any ways to help yourself makes changes in life?

Kind wishes, Christina

hope4joy · ‎29-01-2016

Hi Shelley Anne,

thanks for your kind message. It is a big question you pose, to know one's true self. I think i'm still learning. I've had so many rules about what is acceptable and trying to fit in that its like this whole new process to learn what makes me laugh, what i like to do, and watch and... and to know it need not be anything special.

I guess i find it just takes so much energy to be guarded - but i don't even know I'm doing it - it just feels amazing the occasional times i relax and really 'feel like myself'. I guess thats it - to be more spontaneous and loving and funny... and deep and thoughtful times too. It gets ever so confusing at times Shelley Anne. I guess i'm often worried that how i think and feel is not the 'right' way to respond to a situation. Life is awfully confusing, or maybe its not, and I just complicate it.

Anyway thanks for saying hello, how is your day going?

Kind wishes, Christina

hope4joy · ‎29-01-2016

Hi Carol,

thanks for your helpful post. Yes that feeling of being alone and disconnected even when one is surrounded by people. I guess it is something I need to focus on and will make it a goal for this year to get more connected in my friendships. At the same time it is too difficult to stay so heavy for too long. You're right that passions are important - i'm glad to hear your starting studies this year - it sounds like a great fit for you with your interests and wanting to help people. I'll soon be starting year two of my course and I really love it - it gives so much more meaning and purpose to be doing something I really connect to. So now just to extend that connection to people!

Yes I agree that its important to keep the balance and to have positive thoughts and also focus on what is good in one's life alongside the struggles - its just too heavy otherwise. I've been going for long walks these last few weeks, normally in the morning but sometimes in the evening and I' really enjoy them. I live near a large area of park and ovals and can walk for an hour or so in nature, it really helps recharge and ground me.

I still feel quite flat Carol so my thoughts are not that clear, but I think i'd better go out of the house and do something to make the most of my day. I have work early this afternoon and tomorrow which will be a good distraction. I appreciate you responding here, it makes me feel much less alone. How are you doing today? Are you all set to start studying? (I need to buy some notebooks and things still)

Kind wishes, Christina

Durras · ‎29-01-2016

Hi Christina,

As you were saying with the meaning and purpose it is important to find those and I think once you know what your passionate about then that becomes easier and also I think it makes you feel you are accomplishing and it empowers you to do more and go further like you become hungry to do more with it (if all that makes sense)

I vowed here on BB with the walking group I will start my walking next week with getting to my course of studies. Looking forward to it as sick of being home feeling useless, lazy, no motivation to do anything and just eating and drinking my days away which have been horrible and I know so stupid but it is the isolation that does it. So I am accepting and making notes mentally and written on paper my positive changes to start next week.

I'm sure your looking forward to continuing with your studies too and wishing you all the best with them.

Hope you have a good afternoon at work and catch up again soon.

Carol

xyadts · ‎29-01-2016

Hello hope4joy, thanks for replying. I began a journey to find the 'real' me, in 1980. I have continued on that path to now, and I may never finish.. It has been a painful journey, changing who I was, to who I needed to be, but very rewarding, because as I developed better ways of behaving, people were drawn to me. In the past I had acted in ways to push them away.

No doubt, Social Phobia was and is one of the hardest fears for me to overcome. As you are finding, a childhood full of misunderstood messages, is very difficult to overturn. I found that if I acted, in spite of my fear, I could usually enjoy myself. But it was still hard next time.

One of the things I did to help me socially, was to undertake a Communications course. This was one night a week, for 10 weeks. I learned skills, like non-defensive listening, the rules of fighting, how to deliver negative feedback in a way that maintained the dignity of the listener. After I had ingrained the skills, I became much more confident in social situations. I knew I could defuse confrontation, I knew how to ask questions to draw information from people, who thought I was a great listener. If people you meet come to know that you don't give advice in response to a problem they share with you, but rather, will help them explore the problem, you won't be lonely. The biggest success I had, early in my journey, was ridding myself of a sarcastic behaviour, which I came to see was very damaging to those I aimed it at. That took 2 years. But a close second, success wise, was acquiring those communication skills.

I hope this is helpful Regards xyadts (pronounced chats)

PuzzlePup · ‎29-01-2016

You wouldn't believe I have social phobia. I worked for 20yrs in customer service, working at trade shows, visiting customers. I even ran military style Bootcamps and barked orders at 60+ people! Yet I hate social getherings, meeting people, family 'do's' I feel i'm always being judged for what I say. I feel dumb and awkward. I am my own worst enemy. Why do we do this to ourselves?