Feel so sick, dont think I can hold it together, to scared to even leave my desk

[Toadstroke]

Feel so sick today, just can't fight it today, so tired of it. Made it to work then got unwanted call from family member that just made things worse and triggered of screwed up feelings and anger, now about to break. Feel so down and just sick of it, don't even want to leave my desk or look at anyone in fear I'll break down again and everyone will see. Started new medication a couple of weeks back but I'm just feeling worse, so down feels like I have a lump in throat from swallowing trying not to break down. Have used up most of my sick leave so can't really just walk out and go home. Feel so trapped and just thinking why am I doing this, things are so far gone in my life its just so rubbish, but I know there are people worse off and that have really big problems, but I'm running out of strength. I can't even call a support phone line because I know I'll just break down. I just don't know anymore, what to believe in.

[Starwolf]

Hi Toadstroke,

Kudos to you for reaching out. You are distressed and exhausted at the moment so unloading some of the feelings weighing you down is a brave and wise move.

It usually takes time for medication to kick in but perhaps being referred to a psychologist is what you need right now. If improvement is not happening, please do not hesitate to go back to your doctor to let him/her know exactly how you feel. We are all different and react differently to treatment. There's no way doctors can know how it is affecting you unless you keep them informed of any development good or bad. You deserve to be heard.

It seems you would benefit if your sick leave was extended. No need to add work pressure to an already painful equation. Taking care of yourself is the priority now, not work.

I wouldn't worry too much about breaking down if you call the helpline. But if it feels too daunting, why not use the web chat alternative (see top right of this page).

Meanwhile, feel free to continue posting as much and as often as you wish. Struggling alone and suffering in silence can become too difficult. If you are comfortable talking about what causes you such pain, we're here to listen and support you in any way we can.

Kindest thoughts.

[Quiettall]

Hello

I really feel for you. I strongly support Starwolf's comments and suggestions. Another idea out of left field that I have tried, is to listen to some happy music on Youtube. Sometimes when I read postings here, or reflect on my own situation, and the challenges we face, it is easy to get really down and anxiety kicks in. That is when I have turned to playing some music in the background. For example, Pharrell Williams Happy song cant help but lift your spirits. It wont solve the problem but it can help bring a bit of balance back into your thinking. I found music (whether happy or motivational) is useful to refocus my thoughts on difficult issues.

Maybe this is not for everyone, but I thought it worth sharing as a possible help.

[Toadstroke]

Thanks for your email. I'm just getting worse, I'm too scared to even walk out of my building. I'm not going to hospital or in the back of another police van. I feel like my chest is going to explode.

[Quiettall]

Hi there

This is serious. You either need to get online or on the phone or talk to someone at work confidentially...maybe call someone from HR and explain what you are going through. It is better to act now than have a "meltdown" and draw more attention to yourself than needs be

[CraMar]

I agree with Quiettall, Toadstroke. And you could try the Chat online function if you can't speak to anyone. If there is a meeting room you could go there to make a phone call in private and out of earshot and sight of others, that might be another option.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,

I am sorry you are having a bad time of it at the moment. I am not sure when you posted as the timeline isn't always clear. Please , right now, work out who you can trust to talk to and the best way to contact them. Do you know someone in the workplace who has done the Mental Health First Aid training? Make yourself the first priority and call the Beyondblue help line 1300 224 636.

[Toadstroke]

Thanks everyone for the support and ideas. It was a rotten day, one of the worst I've had but I kept fighting. It was a scary day but got through till 5pm then just went walking and spent the weekend walking, sleeping, sitting in shower and thinking and didn't start drinking which is a big win. I've gone back to previous medication as the one I changed to just wasn't a good match. Feeling a bit weird this week but just trying to eat better and I'm going to my Dr for another check up next week. Thanks Heaps.

[Starwolf]

Hi again Toadstroke,

Thank you so much for letting us know your situation has eased. Feeling a bit weird is an improvement on not being able to get out of the building !

It seems you have done the right things to get yourself out of a scary head space. Kudos to you for refusing to self medicate...a significant victory, an achievement to be proud of.

Kindest thoughts.

[Ken1]

It's great that you are taking positive steps for yourself.

I'm not sure how often you feel like you did at your desk that day but I urge you to allow yourself to be selfish and spend time doing what might make you happy. It's a shame you've used up your sick days but if you spend your time away from work wallowing at home then I'm afraid your situation may not ease.

I hated hearing people tell me to get out of the house, spend time with people and to stop sleeping for 20 hours a day but it is truly worthwhile advice.

What are you passionate about, whether now or in the past? For me it was writing, concerts, and reconnecting with some old friends and just reaching out.

If you experience this same feeling at work again, try distracting yourself, even if it's for the whole day and consider telling your boss how you feel so that you can work together and feel supported. Do you have a photo of a loved one you can look at when you're feeling totally off?

It's excellent that you're seeing your GP and focusing on eating right. Keep that up! You need your strength to tackle this terrible illness but remember that that's all it is and it doesn't define you.

All the best.