Feel so alone in this

Allisonanne · ‎17-11-2014

I am sitting here after just signing up with this site, because I just need to find someone who understands. I am presently crying while typing and haven't a clue why. I have suffered from depression for many years & have tried lots of different medications, some didn't work & some were ok. I then went to a Psychologist because I felt suicidal, for no reason, and after a few sessions felt the best I had ever felt & found that just getting lots of junk out & seeing it for what it was, was liberating. So what's happened? Am I ever going to be free of this? Am I ever going to be able to come out of self imposed isolation because I don't want people to see my emotional frailty? My family members tend to avoid me as one day I am there for them & the next, I'm hiding under the bed, my husband keeps telling me to get a grip & I sincerely wish I could oblige him!! In my family, I am the mother/sister/wife/Grandma who needs to be there for them and more than anything I would love to be that person & aspire to be that person, but when I am not coping, they see me as unstable & someone to avoid. My solution to avoiding this kind of hurt is to hide & disconnect from those who are close to me. I find their altered treatment of me, because of my condition, to be condescending & unbearable, it's like a vicious circle.I think a lot of the problem is loneliness and the need to connect with people who understand this journey.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Neil_1 · ‎17-11-2014

Hi there Allisonanne

Thank you for coming here, signing up and providing your post. I would also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

It sure sounds like you’ve had a long period of this illness and an equally rough time trying to deal with it.

Those sessions with your psychologist – are you able to recall some or all of them, to get a feel for how they made you feel afterwards – and perhaps for what was discussed during those appointments? Because from what you wrote it sounds like they were of high quality and very beneficial to you. In this context, how would you feel about possibly trying to set up another few visits to this person?

Are you currently on any medication for your mental illness?? It could be a case that you may even need a review of them??

As far as getting a grip – that’s a similar comment to, “Oh come on, just get over it”. These comments benefit no-one, especially us who suffer. Because it’s just not possible for us to do that. I mean, if only we could !!

It sounds like you’re really battling hard to be that wonderful “mother/sister/wife/grandma” – I wish I had some advice for you in this regard. I hope with some of the above that I’ve mentioned, it might be useful to you, which in turn, “might just” help this wonderful person that you want to be again.

Also, I’m sure you’ll receive other comments from other posters to provide support and help to you – and I would also be very keen to hear back from you again on this.

Kind regards

Neil

mama_bear · ‎17-11-2014

Hi there Allisonanne's; Ive just signed up with beyond blue; although i did question myself to whether it was a good idea or not; but by just reading some rearlly heartfelt stories on here made me realise that ive come just to the right place; and i hope you to will soon feel that way; sounds like you and i have a bit in common; i to have suffered depression ; for many years now; and so i know how you feel; its hard to keep your head afloat the water at times; and as much as you want to be that mother sister grandmother and so forth; and that you tend to distance yourself from the ones you love; can be very upsetting at times; but like me im still trying to figure it all out; its a very long process and i feel for you; i will be on here tomorrow to tell my story; And i hope you get a chance to read it cause then you can say to yourself; that you are not alone in this which i think is important that you know that.But before i go; you deserve a very huge congratulations and welcome to beyond blue.. My main advise to you for now; is to this is the start to something i hope for you will find some answers and peace. and remember; It all starts with you taking control.

geoff · ‎18-11-2014

dear Allisonanne, thanks for posting your comment, so please feel at home.

Depression does create loneliness for a couple of reasons, either can't understand what we have to go through or in turn we push people away because they are of no help to us, and these happen pretty well every time and to be told 'get a grip' is of no benefit what's so ever, it closes the door of communication.

So your family accepts you when you are feeling OK, but reject you when you are feeling down, well to me this is a case of 'being used', so now you have to look after yourself and only yourself, let the family find another way for help when they need it, because at the moment you not strong enough nor capable of doing both.

You are blaming yourself for your 'emotional frailty', but hey, you have depression and like all of us you are no different, and how long it will last is anybody's guess, we don't know, but what I suggest is that continue with your psychologist and start the medication again, if you have stopped, so can I ask you why you stopped taking it if this is the case.

Please remember that you have felt suicidal, so this means urgent attention which none of your family are going to help you with, so now you need professional help. L Geoff. x

Allisonanne · ‎18-11-2014

Thank you Neil, Mama Bear & Geoff, it's amazing what that connection to people who truly undetstand means to me, the feelings of isolation aren't so profound. An hour after posting my first post, I fell down the stairs & broke my ankle! Physical pain certainly overrides mental pain in the short term! I will respond a bit better when the pain wears off a bit, but I just wanted you all to know how very grateful I am to you & this site, what a wonderful resource for someone like me. xx

Neil_1 · ‎18-11-2014

Dear Allisonanne

Oh no !!! That’s definitely NOT the way we would encourage forum members to help with their depressive feelings; cause as you said, physical pain does trump mental pain.

I do hope that you’re receiving all the appropriate care and support right now that you need.

Thank you for letting us know and please take your time in getting back onto Beyond Blue. You need to heal yourself first and get that pain to subside.

Kind regards

Neil