Feel beaten and failed

[Clayhay]

Hi Everyone.

Thank you for sharing your stories. But thank you mostly to those of you who understand and support others.

this is my first post (copied from the intro thread) yesterday. 

Hi,Ive joined the forums today because Im just not coping with my life. I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning/ I lay awake wishing i wasnt here. I have read a few stories on this thread and I thank everyone for sharing. In a situation where you feel so alone its amazing to find so many of us struggle along.

I have struggled all my life with self esteem and self belief issues. I always find I just dont fit in or am just not good enough. I was only diagnosed with depression after having my children that I got so desperate i just cried in the doctors office. I was on medication for a few years but didnt like the reliance of it and have been off them for some time but i know i need them again. 

I just want to cry all the time. I have struggled to find a job in my town for so long now that I just cant do it anymore. I have applied for 100s of jobs and had some interviews but just dont cross the line. I feel beaten and failed. I am now avoiding social situations because i just dont want to have the job conversation anymore. Why is it so easy for some. Why cant someone help me... I have tried everything but it still to no avail. I want to runaway from this place and start somewhere else. I am well educated (i have a degree and diploma) but cant even get a 'Woolies"type job and I dont know why. Im a good honest person but I now dont even believe that.

This misery is affecting everything. i am snarky and bitter and get cranky at my kids too easy. I hate it. I am scared my kids see me fail and I hate it.I just dont know what to do anymore.

Thanx for reading. 

[HA1]

Hi Clayhay

Thanks again for posting your story on here.

I can appreciate that you would feel frustrated at your situation.  Dealing with rejection (particularly when we already feel sad) is not pleasant.  It can hit hard - as it has many of us here.  As a result we get cranky with those close to us. So yes, I can empathise.

In terms of your mental health issues, I do strongly recommend that you go and see a doctor and getting assessed to see whether you need to get back on some form of medication to help you through.  As much as we all dislike the effect meds can have on us, it does help.  In my case it assists in balancing my moods and allowing to feel reasonably most of the time.  Yep, I feel with fogginess and tiredness, but it is better than what I had.  

As for your employment situation, you are in the unfortunate position of looking for work at a time where there are very few jobs around and employers tend to look for the cheapest option.  If you live in country towns then it is probably harder yet again.  But all I can say is don't give up - something will come to you.  In the meantime have you considered doing some volunteer work in the community?  I find that does a lot of good for our self esteem.  What do you think?  Is there an opportunity for that where you live?

You don't mention whether you have a support network around; i.e. husband, family, close friends?

I guess I have not been really helpful yet, but I just wanted to firstly let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.  Lets keep the conversation going and I am sure that there will be members out there who can offer much better suggestions than I have so far.

Take care

K

[White_Rose]

Dear Clayhay

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  So pleased you have transferred your post to this forum.  Now all your replies and your comments will be in the same place. So I award you a gold star.

I echo everything Hideaway has said. Much quicker than rewriting it. I too wondered about your support network.  Do you want to work because you are a single mom? If this is the case and you are living on benefits I can understand much of your struggle. It's not easy.

You certainly have some of the depression symptoms so please visit your doctor again. Like many people, I dislike taking medication of any sort. Not so much because of side effects, though I have huge side effects to some medications, but because I feel somehow lessened. I know it's not the most logical of arguments so I take my meds and live my life.

Antidepressants come into this big time. I have now resigned myself to taking ADs for the rest of my life. I know my mood will spiral downwards if I stop.  Sometimes we just need to bite the bullet, so to speak, and get on with doing what our bodies need. And then accepting it as part of our daily routine.

Volunteering has enormous benefits to the volunteer as well as the organisation. You will meet new people and this often leads to lasting friendships. Your self esteem will benefit because you demonstrate your skills. And any sense of loneliness can be helped just by being with others. So if there is an opportunity in your town, go for it. Oh, I almost forgot. Sometimes volunteering leads to permanent jobs.

I know the feeling of wanting to run away. The problem is that we don't leave our troubles behind, they go with us. Turning and facing them is the hardest thing any of use have to do. And I'm sure you will have read on the different threads about the many people who will not acknowledge their issues. You have admitted you need help and that is the first and most important step. Congratulations.

I would also like to suggest you join a group of some sort. Book club, craft, Toastmasters, swimming, music. Wherever your interests lie. It will be hard work to get yourself there but once settled in I think you will find it a great balm. Doing something for yourself, something that you enjoy goes a long way helping overcome depression. The Black Dog hates it when you laugh.

Write in again soon.

Mary

[Clayhay]

Thank you for the responses.

I do some volunteer work already but it isnt leading to what I want. (the role is but the manager thinks I dont fit in 😞  ) 

I ask for feedback etc, but Im not getting anything constructive to work with.

Ive just sent off a message to Beyond Blues NewAccess service. so hopefully that may be a start... 

I just want a job

[geoff]

dear Clayhay, great for you to join us, and the replies from Mary and Hideaway are very good as usual so there's not much I can add to their comments, but I would like to say that coming off antidepressants is a real gamble, and I only say this from what people have commented on here, and also what happens to me if I miss a couple of days not taking them.

AD's make people better so they naturally believe they can stop, which is wrong, and by doing so all the problems return, and maybe the doctors should specify this more when giving their patient a script for AD.

It may seem to be useless by not getting a job at Woolies, but as usual they are always cutting back staff and trying to make greater profits, but you could go to the council and see if any jobs are available, because in the local paper where I live in a country town the council advertises every week for jobs.

Once you start taking the AD's again you hopefully will be able to face the public again, and I know that the hospital here are always looking for people to do jobs, OK they maybe volunteer, but if you mingle with people at the hospital, then you might have a chance of someone noticing you and actually offer you a job.

Sometimes there are jobs that no one wants because of the hours or week end work but it could include double time pay. Geoff.

[carer1]

hi clay,

 so know how u feel , a lot of wat u say sounds like me.  i find the trouble with depression is the cause , like me i cant fix it on my own but there is never anyone who can /will help.  im on  an anti D  not enough i know but any more and the side effects are nasty. my family pay for it , with my anger n frustration etc