Everything is falling apart, no motivation and no desire

[Jaymore]

I've posted on here a few times in the past, I don't know if this time is worse but I suppose that doesn't really matter. I've had depression and depression-like symptoms since I was 9 and here I am again after things have been getting worse in the past few weeks.

I'm 19, have been living out of home since early February and thought I was coping with everything. I've started losing motivation for everything that goes on in my life. I'm weeks behind on uni with two assignments due in the next few days with so much left to do. Then another two in the next few weeks. I know I have to do them, and I want to do well, but I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I've always been really into running and at state league level in my sport but since I took a few weeks off to heal my knee, then getting sick as well, I cannot be bothered to even go for a walk. I have no desire to eat food or drink water. My sport has always motivated me no matter what, until now. I thought it was my future, but I've completely fallen out of love with it. A lot of the time when I feel down I cannot really describe what exactly it is that's bothering me. I just feel dazed and like I don't really care what happens.

I've had some really bad nights recently. Then last night it got worse. I found out my boyfriend had been flirting with another guy. Initially I was telling myself it wasn't my fault. But now I just feel so worthless and that if I was a good partner to him, then maybe he wouldn't have done it. Despite everything going on, my relationship was going great. I really felt like I was in love with him. Now I can't trust him, and I don't know if I should end the relationship. I'm divided on that.

So yeah, my motivation for simple tasks, my hobbies, and for living a healthy lifestyle has gone out the window. Everyday I lie in bed with no energy to do anything. I know I should start with getting my eating habits back to normal, but I can't bring myself to do it.

For anyone reading, I appreciate that you've gotten this far. Hope you are all doing okay. I'm grateful for this community

[mocha delight]

First welcome back and if you ever want to chat I’m here for you ok

[Aaronsis]

Hello Jaymore and welcome back to our community here and I am so very glad that you are back, to get some support when you are feeling pretty low.

There are lots of things going on in your life and I can totally understand why you are feeling so very overwhelmed. I am wondering if you can reach out to someone at Uni, like a student welfare person and talk to them about how you are feeling and even get some extensions on your work? Try to alleviate the stress in that area and then take some extra time to get that work done. I hear you, you are lacking the motivation to even do that, but maybe having someone know at Uni that you are struggling with also help.

The lack of motivation is just exhausting and I can see that in the past you have loved sport and exercise, while I am not saying to you “just get up”, as that is like telling you to “just cheer up”, totally useless information, but, when you are out walking or running or playing sport we always do feel better afterwards, even if the struggle to get there in the first place was dire. Injury often does really impact one’s motivation to keep exercising as you feel as if your body as failed you, it is now damaged so why bother, I am not sure if this is true for you?

I am so very sorry that your boyfriend had been flirting with another guy. This is really hurtful and does make us question “why am I not good enough?” Can I also say that too flirting is mostly some harmless fun that we as humans sometimes need, it is the way and the content of the flirting, if it goes further and if there is interest and desire from the other person to go further that it then becomes a very big problem.
It is most certainly not your fault, in fact I would suggest that it is actually nothing to do with you driving him to do this, but more of a moment when another person gave him some attention that made him feel good. As you mentioned the relationship was going great, I understand this has really hurt you and I think a conversation is in order so as you don’t end it without the facts and a chance to recover from this and then end up with regret, just my suggestion there.

I hope you can reach out to your GP and perhaps let them know too how you are feeling, this might also be a time to get some extra support too. I know you know about eating well and food impacting how you are feeling so I hope you can get something into you today to enjoy and make you feel good.

Hope to chat some more to you Jaymore.

Hugs
Sarah