Everything feels kind of heavy

[teaBee]

It’s hard to feel happy anymore. Even when I do something in my head whispers bad thoughts to me. Right now my life is so perfect. It’s honestly the best it’s ever been. I have a loving boyfriend and an amazing job. And in some moments I can see how lucky I am. But then it fades and those happy feelings feel so distant. I’ve struggled a lot with urges of self harm, but I’m really good at not acting on it so that’s a positive. But it feels like it’s always sitting there with me, the urges. They feel so heavy. I’m on medication and it helped for a while. I don’t think it’s working anymore. I don’t know what to do with the heaviness and it feels like it’s getting worse. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I know what you are feeling. When young we get programmed and this can end up excessive to the point hereby you feel that even when she passes away your mum will still be haunting you. My mum is 91yo and I havent seen her for 12 years. In denial she wouldnt see a GP about her erratic behaviour. Eventually I googled "queen witch hermit waif."  That suited her and its the closest to a diagnosis I'll ever get. 

You are correct, you are not responsible for your mums emotional well being. The best you can do is foremost to care for your own mental health. She is responsible for any laziness she had and she is also responsible for her children to grow up with a happy life and motivation. 

Below is a thread I wrote some years ago. Bare in mind we cannot diagnose but it might assist you at least in removing any guilt you hold onto.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL- likely extreme BPD? - Beyond Blue Forums - 84873

GUILT the tormentor - Beyond Blue Forums - 321604

Tolerance of other people-  the era of denial - Beyond Blue Forums - 17253

You mention her screaming and throwing things which leads me to think there is some extreme behaviour there. The "queen" trait in the google recommended reflects this in my mother. Then there is the crying and almost begging and I had that also. 

The above threads you only need to read the first post of each. I hope they help and am here daily if you reply.

TonyWK 

[teaBee]

I have tried talking to her but yes she always plays the victim card. Our relationship has improved since I moved out but I don’t think I’d ever tell her the true extent of how she hurt me because mentally I don’t think she can handle it 

[white knight]

Yes, she isnt likely to realise the extent of damage. 

My mum once had visitors staying for a week. After a few mornings whereby she'd bring out her small box of medication and while talking had her tablets on her tongue (LOL) my auntie got her tablets that were in a much larger box and said "If you want some competition you have it"!

Unfortunately the nature of some people is such that they wont change and as their children we have to tolerate it or go our separate ways. In your case your relationship has improved so keeping your distance is a good idea. She has to get the motivation to fill her life with social activities etc.

TonyWK

[Fern42]

Sometimes they never will, and sometimes it's not worth your energy to try and tell her TeaBee.

Please take care

[teaBee]

So I’m 22 and I live with my boyfriend and some roommates. Life is pretty great and I’m very happy. But every night I seem to have nightmares. And they are very often about my parents. My mother was sick my entire life. So she’s shift between not spending any time with me, to yelling at me, to crying all the time. I had to take care of her and myself. My father left when I was a kid. I still would talk to him on the phone maybe like once a month and see him once a year. But my father is a bad man. He is registered and has criminal charges but never went to prison. There are huge gaps in my childhood memories. I remember friends and going to school but anything that happened at home is just gone. My mother has hurt me so much emotionally and she still does sometimes. She just doesn’t understand because she’s so mentally unwell. So I’m happy I’ve gotten away from the both of them but they haunt me all the time at night. I wake up feeling sad and hurt. I wake up feeling exhausted because it’s like I just had a massive battle in my head. I’m pretty good at handling all my problems but I don’t know what to do about these dreams. What do you suggest?