Hi Declan,
I'm not sure what you are going through. But what I can say is, I can relate.
Allow me, if you will, to share with you some lessons I've learnt. I'm not sure if they will help you. But if someone (including a psychologist) could have shared this with me sooner, I think it would have helped me in greatly in better managing depression.
First, I've learnt that I've suffered from trauma, anxiety, abandonment and an adult projecting on me since I was 6. Today, people call this child abuse. At the time, I did not know what all this was about. At such a young age - and you suggest since you were 8 - our emotional blocks are not necessarily cemented. Or we go into survivor mode and block things out. This effects how we cope with things as normal, and also impacts our cognitive thinking and other ways of coping with stressful situations in a more normal manner.
Second, your family and friends really care and are there for you. Sometimes, your real friends are those that you might least expect. But if there are people in your life that are compassionate, honest, good listeners and grounded - speak up! Let people know that you don't feel right. You are not troubling them, if they choose to listen. But choose who you confide in wisely. You are sharing a gift of something personal - you're not seeking attention but someone that can simply relate with you. . . This can be anyone you know you can trust. A councilor, adult friend or relative (doesnt have to be parent or sibling) will suffice.
Thirdly - and this is possibly hard to accept - if you have had a relapse of depression more than once, you are susceptible in life to experience a relapse again and again. Be courageous! Take steps to seek assistance in gaining the tools to manage this. You know there is much more to life than just pain, and that sooner or later, you will find away for the odds to rule in your favor.
Learn about mindfulness. Embrace your relationships and friendships. Do not be afraid to hibernate. But just don't choose to do things alone.
In this world, you only need one person that loves you, to know that when you fight for something matters, that you have something to stand for more than yourself. Sometimes, that is enough.
I am 40. I think about death more often than not. I think I have for the past 8 years. I no longer have a relationship with members of my family. This is my choice. Sometimes, the old ways are simply wrong. You need to find what is right for you.
Good luck!
