Endless cycles of guilt.

[Byathread]

I just joined today. Maybe filling this blank box will be therapeutic in itself.

I have a decent enough full time job but only just it feels. I work for good guys that understand my depression as much as you can as employers. But im home again cant do it, cant face people. I feel useless and guilty every time i miss work. Im sure my work mates get frustrated to see "oh he is sick again."

I watched Chester Benningtons last interview and cried for a long time. I cried because it felt like he spoke from my soul too.

Im getting married soon to an amazing lady, im lucky enough to some times travel the world. My family and friends are supportive. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I know im not well though. I resent these things and people because they force me to stay. I feel ungrateful guilty and obligated to live a "happy" life.

But today like many others i just cant paint the smile on.

[Neil_1]

Hi Byathread,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Oh boy, I can see what you’re going there and I hear well and truly what you’re saying. I’m in my early 50’s and have a lot of what you’ve written about. The struggle to get to work in the first place is massive. Last night, I was not going to work today, but I made it – but it’s so difficult.

I’ve watched so much of Linkin Park recently, and also the different interviews with Chester. That knocked me incredibly … and still is hammering me so badly. A brilliant brilliant talent, but just had his life time of demons hunting him down. I could talk about him for ages, but this is your thread about you … though I did want to acknowledge your comment about Chester.

It’s amazing, that yes, we can have support and good people in our lives, but for all that, it still doesn’t make our battle too much easier; well, I don’t feel that it does. I guess it does … if you think about it, and imagine what things would be like IF they weren’t as supported as they currently are. Hope that makes sense.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding … and it’s things like these, that you can project them out in your thoughts, to help you get through the lower times. Mechanisms to keep the brain, the mind occupied to assist with battling the demons.

I’m gathering that you have been battling for a fair while now, so am I correct to assume you’ve got a good GP and perhaps even a psych who you see?

As Jared Padelecki (one of the actors from Supernatural) says: Never Stop Fighting.

Neil

[Byathread]

Hi Neil1

Thank you for your support. I have a good gp but no psychologist at the moment. I did try seeing someone but she didnt seem to be much help. Its the same old story when im well i dont feel the need to go, when im not well i dont want to go or can't do it. The negative experience i had with a not so good psych does not motivate me either. I do take my "happy pills," though to keep me going just enough. I dont think i will be able to progress in my job. Im not reliable enough and cant predict when bad me (depressed) will take control. Im considering reducing my work hours and maybe some guilt with it.

Keep up your fight too.

Byathread.

[demonblaster]

Hi Byathread 🙂

Sorry you're feeling this way, depression takes away pleasure doesn't it.

Do you know any specifics that are pulling you down, it's very hard to pinpoint but I think when we can it makes it more achievable to work through.

Sounds like you have a lot of love in your life which I do too and helped immensely for me to start liking myself, long way to go but will get there eventually, it's vital in self healing and getting back on top.

Sounds like a good idea to cut down on hrs at work then as you say to alleviate some guilt.

When you're depressed are you getting enough sleep, that brings on a lot of grief in itself.

Unfortunate your first visit to a psych wasn't good, trust me and others here would say same, there as you know are not so good ones but there are also very good ones out there, I suggest, entirely your call though to seek another until you get a good fit, they can be instrumental for release and help.

You have us here too now 🙂

Hope to hear back from you and know how you're going.
You can open up as much as you want here as often as you want.

gl