Emotionless? What's wrong with me.

[Notanurse]

Lately I've been feeling more and more emotionless, lifeless, lonely, afraid. It's got to the point where I can't trust anyone in my life, I dont want anyone in my life, I just want my life to end or at the very least to be secluded from the world so I can just do what I want to do alone.

Lately I seem to be pushing everyone away, some who deserve it and some who dont. But I dont know any other way to be.

When I was 10 I was diagnosed with bipolar, would love to know the doctor's reasoning behind that. I refused medication up until I was about 19, claiming medications would change me. And they did.

I turned to medications about 5 years after hearing a voice that wasn't there, was a one time occurance and I believe it was largely due to my drink being spiked at a music festival a few days before I hear it.

The medication made me unbearably sleepy, I was sleeping more than half the day for the first few weeks which wasn't too bad as I was unemployed at the time. But now, my body depends on it to get to sleep, if i dont have it I'll literally be awake for days but if I do have it I'll still sleep deeply and for at least 9 hours. I wasnt like that before. I had no issues with sleeping before.

Part of me now just wants to stop the medication because all it's doing to me is putting me to sleep of a night. It's been the past few years that I've been feeling increasingly emotionless. The medication doesn't help it.

I just dont know what to do with myself now. I dont trust my "family". I dont trust my doctor. I dont have a psychiatrist or psychologist anymore. I'm pushing my one friend away. I feel unbelievably terrified that my son will turn out like me, an emotionless angry hateful little person who wishes the world would disappear.

I know I need help, theres 19 years worth of issues I need help with and I just dont know where to go or where to start. Whenever I have opened up to people they just tell me to grow up, show more respect to the people who've assaulted me, or they just aren't interested. The only thing I feel I can open up to now is being anonymous on a website, and my diary. I dont know how to talk to people anymore, I dont know how to be a normal functioning person because I'm just dead inside.

[therising]

Hi Notanurse

Glad you have reached out and I wish to welcome you with open arms and a warm smile.

If only we had a crystal ball and could see exactly where the right support would change everything. Without that crystal ball, it becomes a bit of a trial and error thing. Finding the right mental health care professional sounds like the way to go; for a start, it sounds like you need the medication reassessed. We are super-complex creatures with incredible numbers of chemical reactions happening inside of us at any given time. If any of that chemistry is out of balance, we can feel it in a number of ways through what we commonly refer to as symptoms (such as with symptoms present in depression, menopause, the challenges of change throughout adolescence etc).

Let me give you a simple analogy when it comes to the chemistry side of things:

Imagine being sober and people start saying to you 'Be drunk'. You explain you can't be drunk because you haven't had any alcohol. But they insist 'Just be drunk, c'mon, what's wrong with you?!' You keep insisting it's just not possible but they refuse to accept the impossible. This may sound a little familiar when you replace 'Be drunk' with 'Just smile' or 'C'mon, be happy, what's wrong with you?!' Sober or intoxicated, happy or sad/angry are all states which relate to chemistry. As people who have found the best meds for their depression will tell you 'They feel the chemistry when everything is in balance'.

The imbalance going on inside of us and our thought processing can impact us in ways others just don't understand. On a more soulful level, it can feel almost impossible to make any deep connection to anyone or anything. This feeling of disconnectedness can leave us feeling hopeless, useless and empty. Unless you can find another who understands this on a personal level you can be left feeling so terribly alone. Personally, I don't believe there is any emotion worse than despair.

Notanurse, I know it's hard to acknowledge but you are not your depression - you are someone longing for peace and happiness, whilst certain aspects of you are not allowing you to find peace and happiness. I urge you to seek a more effective treatment through the best professional support. Regarding the meds, through support you may have to play the mad scientist, being willing to experiment for a little while, before you have your 'Eureka' moment where everything changes for the better.

Take care of yourself on your quest for peace