Economically and Fat-shaped by my Wife

[JesBla9]

Hi,

I've had issues with employment for the past two years. As it stands, I have a full time job that I thoroughly enjoy, pays well. My wife works part time, three days per week. I'm also studying full time at university. I want her to be happy, and have what she wants, but I've lost a number of jobs in recent years but I usually walk into another within a fortnight - I am so lucky, I know.

She made some comments yesterday, indicating that I'm a financial leach.

- "I am sick of holding this up with only my money". I'm selfish, etc. etc. etc.

She decided to take some of her superannuation out, and when she got it, she wanted to use some of it to clear off some small debts, never (ever) did I ask her to take money out for that. If I'd have known that was her plan, I would've spoken to her against doing it. Now, she's thrown that in my face "I worked for that money, MY money paid off this debt, MY money, not yours". She has really emphasized that it was her money, not mine, or not ours. I've always looked at money like it's ours. We have a joint-bank account, we both contribute. No matter what I do now, she's holding that against me. And I'm concerned that this will last forever.

I'm working full time so we can afford her to work part time. Next year, in 2021, she's taking up study - leaving her job to do so. And I've been, and will continue to be, supportive of this.

Honestly, all of this (+ my already depleting mental state) makes me feel like I'm worthless - simply a banana peel on the bottom of a full bag of garbage. I feel like a waste of space. I feel like an economic waste of space. I feel like, no matter what I do now, her superannuation will always be held above me. I attempted to take out my own super (after hearing of how she feels) to give to her, to put back into her own. I obviously can't do that, but, god, I would if I could. If I had things worth selling, I'd sell and give her the money.

I'm working so hard to find my place. I'm studying, working - wanting her to work part time (in fact, I'm encouraging it). Yet, I feel like a terrible husband. I've done many relationship quizzes in the past two days to find out if I'm a bad partner - and I've been honest - and nothing in there indicates that I am. However, I feel like I am. It's like a burden constantly in my mind. I'm always trying to be better, but consistently falling short.

Sorry, if this sounds dramatic. Maybe it's COVID-19, but I feel so alone right now. Money is the devil.

Thanks,

DB.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear JesBla,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through with your wife. And yes, money is, as I've heard it said "The root of all evil."

Have you thought though, that maybe it might not be about the money, so much? Even though that's what she is saying. I know, I know; you think I am a bit mad for asking that, yeah?! But I only say that because us women are not only a weird bunch, but also quite 'afraid' or 'wary' of losing what we feel is our independence, when working and/or earning less than our spouses. Of course, I could be completely wrong too ...... if you are earning more than her, that could be what she is worried about? That SHE doesn't feel as though she is 'equal' to YOU, even though she's indicating the opposite, if that makes sense, yeah?

Have you ever sat down together and actually looked at your joint finances, and exactly what money goes where, how much, when, why etc? Maybe it would help to do an inventory of sorts to see what money goes where? I know you said you have a joint account, but what about joint budgeting?

Perhaps too you could consider some counseling, either for yourself or both of you? Financial counseling, and/or general counseling as well. Do you think you and she might be interested in that?

It sounds as though you are doing your level best to be as supportive as you can. As is my partner now. My ex husband though? .... well, he lied to me about money, telling me he 'had none' one minute, and then spending hundreds on hobbies and non-essentials leaving me to put the groceries on credit, he earned more than twice what I did but would not even buy groceries when we needed them and I was a little short, he would NEVER share even his pay information, let alone a bank account, and told people, when I was working two part time jobs and doing full time study, that I was "doing nothing". I tell you, it did nothing for my self esteem. I felt like you described above. Money was just one of a number of problems that we just could not communicate about effectively. Hence why he is my ex.

I do hope that this does NOT happen to you, and that you and your wife can find a way through to some better communication around the money issues.

Please know also that you can come back here to post about these things as much as you like. We are all here to support you and help you as much as we can.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I also agree with Soberlicious that relationship counseling should be considered.

My last relationship had financial conflict. I had a model airplane hobby and despite earning 3x her wages she suggested I have an allowance. As the allowance seemed reasonable I accepted. The problem then developed when I want a new car. “You can save for one out of your allowance”

I calculated such savings would take me 42 years to buy that car and then the car would be double the cost.

Can you see the similarities? So we went counseling and upon telling the counselor these issues she turned to my partner and said (in relation to my hobby) “do you have a passion”? “No” she replied “So how can you relate to the financial costs if you don’t”? In relation to my car purchase “So why is it your car is 3yo and Tony’s is 12yo,”

Such counseling techniques work.

If your wife is not going to work when she will study then how is her theory if “your money/my money going to work out then. Frankly I’d be as confused as you are and not happy.

There could well be substance in Sobers theory- that it is not a money matter persay. The only real way to find out is the have a meeting to thrash it out.

I take such issues to heart. If it was me I’d ask her if her comments mean we have separate finances. If the answer is yes I’d then ask her how she will provide 50% if living costs when she will study full time next year...

A thread that might help with your responses to her is (use search bar)

wit, the only answer to torment

TonyWK

[Lena_J]

I can't help wonder how old you are ... how long you've been married for?
You don't need to take any online tests - you sound like a saint. She has resentment issues.
I took $20k out of my super 20 years ago to bring my now partner over from New Zealand to Australia. Yes, I know that's not what super is supposed to be used for but that's what I wanted it for. He's my soul mate. If I hadn't done it we would've always been separated.
Never, ever, would I throw that at him. Hell, I don't think I'd even thought about it much at all over the last 20 years.
Your right, it should be considered joint money. If she's going off to study then she expects you to support her. Fairs fair.