Dysthymia - I'm newly diagnosed

[BeeGee]

Hi all

Just thought I'd share a bit of my story.  I'm a 47 year old guy with what most would consider a moderately "successful" life so far - married to a wonderful woman, three great kids, a solid career.  But there's really been no enjoyment of life for as long as I can remember.  It's not that I'm sad all the time - on the contrary, most of the time I feel nothing at all and find myself acting out feelings for the benefit of those around me.  I know how to make the right faces and say the right things in social situations so that interpersonal interactions go well but really there's not much happening behind the face at an emotional level. I've struggled with anger most of my life but over the last four years have recognised where it comes from (people - especially my kids - thwarting my efforts to control situations) and have learnt to let go of the need to control... thanks to some excellent counsel from our church's pastor.

All my life I've felt like an outsider - like everyone else knows some shared secret that nobody has ever told me, so I'm somehow left out. I don't mean that like it's some sort of conspiracy, it's more like when someone tells a joke that everyone else gets and laughs at, but you're missing some key piece of information to be able to get why it's funny. You might laugh along with everyone else, but you really don't get it. There's a shared understanding that you're missing and you don't even know what it is.

I've been unable to really form fulfilling relationships with people. In talking to my wife since my diagnosis she often feels "shut out" of my life, which is awful, but I was unaware and even now I'm not sure what to do except to keep sharing my journey.

The weird thing is that I was completely unaware that I was depressed. No clue. I thought this was normal, that going through the motions every day was as good as it gets; happiness and pleasure were for other people, and I just got to do my duties. I'd still be thinking that if it weren't for the fact that I'm studying at the moment and had a lecture 2 weeks ago on mood disorders. When the depression slide came up on the screen I was utterly horrified to find that it was me. A light went on! This is not normal! If this is an illness maybe it can be cured, like they say.

So I made an appointment with a good GP (she rated my depression as 16 out of 13! Who knew?!). She started me on meds and referred me to a psychologist for CBT. Looking forward to brighter days ahead.

[JessF]

Hello BeeGee, great to hear that you're staying alive (sorry I couldn't resist!)

Aren't we excellent at going through the motions when depressed? And you're right, we can do it for so long that we begin to think that is just what life is like.  The very first time i went on medication, I found it to be a thrilling and scary experience because after about a week I felt better than I had in years, and with that came the realisation of how long I had actually been feeling that way.  A lot longer than I thought, so I am glad that I reached out for help when I did.

It's good that you have got yourself a good GP and a psychologist too. That is essential I think in getting better in the long term, having the professional support so you can focus on the changes you need to make in your life.  Realising that your wife feels shut out for example, perhaps you can make some time each week for 'date nights'? Sometimes when you're with someone for a while things can fall into a routine and you take each other for granted without even realising it.

[Neil_1]

G’day there BG  

Welcome (now formally, as I’ve written about you before – after you supplied an excellent response to another poster) to Beyond Blue – and thanx for coming on and sharing your story.  Just judging by this post and the other one I saw, I do hope you’ll be able to stay here for a while – and post to others, because even though you’ve only just started, you appear to be very knowledgeable about this mongrel disease/illness that affects us.  As a result of this, like I’ve seen already, you’ll be able to pass on very good advice and guidance and support to other posters.  Bit intro there, but I felt it necessary to say.  🙂  

Much of your first para really resonated with me, although I’m two years your senior (or just simply, I’m 24 months older than you), I’m not married (but de facto for 20 years probably counts just the same) and we have two wonderful children.  Oh oh, and I’m not into church at all – but apart from all that, I could really relate to your saying of no enjoyment in life;  putting up a mask to hide your true feelings for the benefit of those around and saying the right things, etc.  

Although I must ask, that I’m a bit confused about your mentioning of your kids thwarting your efforts to control situations??  I could have a stab at that, because I’ve got a 16yo who makes it damn hard for us – I guess it’s a phase he’s going through, but it’s been 3 years and counting so far.  

 I can really understand the comment where you said with regard to your wife:  “shut out of your life” -  because that’s what suffering from depression makes us do.  It’s not something we want to do – it’s just our way of dealing with it.   

What is good now though, is that it’s been recognised and even more importantly diagnosed by a GP. 

Another bonus for you, by going to a good GP – yet again, out there, there are GP’s and there are ‘good GP’s’.  The same unfortunately goes with psychologists – there are plenty PLENTY out there – and I really hope that the one you’ve been referred to you is a good match.  

But just reading your overall post again, Bee Gee, you’ve got a great attitude towards it all and I do hope you can come back and post again – either here on your own &/or to others on this site.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[BeeGee]

Thanks Jess and Neil for your kind words and welcome.

In thinking back over my life I'd say I've been depressed since around 14-15 - so around 32 years. It makes me really sad to think of all those "lost" years - years when I just put one foot after another and probably missed out on the best years of my kids' lives because all I could do was just get through each day - no head space for anything but coping and surviving.

The other thing that is a bit scary is - who will I actually turn out to be when I am better?  I have no experience of living as a non-depressed adult... will I have to forge a whole new identity?  I can't imagine being the same as I am now - if I am then there hardly seems any point to treatment!  Who am I really then?  Weird.  I hope I like my new self.

Neil - the control thing is about needing my kids to meet my expectations all the time, to do what I've told them (probably 1000 times) without being told yet again - you know the drill if you're a parent.  It used to make me really angry when my expectations weren't met, I guess because in my head there was this illusion that I was in control of my kids.  Any half sane parent knows that this isn't true, but it hadn't really clicked with me that these are independent people and will make their own choices - whether I like those choices or not.  It doesn't mean I've failed when that happens (I think that was my unconscious interpretation) - just that someone else is exercising free will.  Really getting this in my head completely turned around my anger issues and things have been much better on that front ever since.

[Blue_]

OH WOW I LOVE THE BEE GEES! 

Hello! It's so good to have you posting here, it's truly the greatest thing ever. So much love and support because it sounds like what you're going through is not so great and how I can relate, ohhh it's so painful. I also had no idea that I was depressed and went to my doctor because I felt sick and my doctor just told me out of nowhere it was depression and anxiety. Sometimes I forget because depression has been my life. The one thing that makes everything better is helping other people though so please keep posting, we are always here, this community is gigantic and we all want to help you! You can get through anything with support and the love of other, please remember that, it's so very vital because you do have people around you that care! 

Also with the new identity thing I know what you mean and I think that held me back from getting better. You don't have to dive straight in, unless that's what you want of course, just don't let fear hold you back and dip one foot in at a time. If there's an image of someone you wanted to be it's never too late to be that person. 

From Cas. 

[Neil_1]

Hey there Bee Gee;

Thanx heaps for your response. Oh boy, do I know what you meant about trying/wanting to not dominate or control, but to try to exert, I guess, some influence over my children.  In a totally positive and loving way – and that’s perhaps where I fell down – because I guess those two things just don’t gel.  And you hit the nail on the head with your comment of:  that these are independent people and will make choices of their own.  Very good call. I guess at least we have nurtured and supported and taught them all the way through and to a large extent, they have developed into who they are largely by the influence of their parents.  So that’s gotta be a good thing, eh? 

 I think the bottom line is, that they know they are loved no matter what and will always be supported, they know right from wrong, good from bad, etc.  So yeah, if we can achieve this, then we ain’t doin’ too bad a job, don’t you think?

 I don’t know if you actually “lost” years because of your suffering.  It was still you and you were still living and experiencing things – but just not in a manner that you would have hoped for – but it still remains that what you went through and endured through was still you – and still shaped who you are.  And there is nothing to be ashamed or sad about with that – because you didn’t choose to have this illness – you didn’t want it – but you battled with it as best you could.

Bee Gee, you’ll still be Bee Gee – you will still be you. 

But if you’re still battling now, then I really believe there is a HUGE need for treatment.  Treatment will help.

Here endeth this post – hope to hear from you again.

Neil