Don't know what to do but I know I need help

[WiltedRose]

I’ve always been confident, outspoken and happy. But my personality has changed so much over the last few years, for the worse. I’m so defensive, everything seems like a personal attack and all I do is argue with friends, family and work colleagues.

I hate every word that comes out of my mouth, and don’t know why I am like this when I keep telling myself to change. I hate looking in the mirror at myself, I wish I was looking at my 18 year old self again, not the 31 year old failure that I am. I want to stop feeling so deeply, I’m over-emotional and over-sensitive.

I have a wonderful husband who I’ve always got along with, but he keeps disagreeing with everything I say, it’s like it’s a new habit for him. So I’m constantly trying to explain my point of view to him which turns into an argument. I never mean for things to turn into arguments, and if I just keep my mouth shut things would be fine. He was never like this, he was the happiest person, always laughing and joking and I feel like I'm destroying him and bringing him down. I’m starting to get the feeling he hates me, and I don’t blame him because I hate myself too. He didn’t sign up for this, we’ve been together for 11 years and I was amazing for the first 5 years, then I started changing. Nothing happened, I just slowly started becoming this awful thing that I am today.

I want to stop being me because then I can stop hating myself every day.

[golden82]

Hi WiltedRose,

I am not sure this post will help you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I also hate myself and feel the same as you with 'I want to stop being me because then I can stop hating myself everyday'. There are many people that feel this way and it may help you to read through some of the threads so as you do not feel so alone in these feelings. I know it has been helping me to know that others have these thoughts/feelings also.

Further to this I would suggest speaking with your GP - booking a long apt and really letting your guard down to tell them exactly how you are feeling and that you need help/support. You could consider psychology to talk it through or some people also are helped with meds. You could discuss all these with your Dr and what you think you are okay with to try help. Other than that there are these support lines and most communities have groups (some are free or low cost) where you can attend and learn about thoughts and coping strategies and mix with others who are dealing with similar thoughts.

Do you have anyone you can talk to re your feelings? A family member or trusted friend? It can help to talk with someone who cares for you about it in addition to just the professionals.

I hope this helps you a bit. I am sure others will offer ideas too. All the best with your path to liking yourself again 🙂

[josh1245]

hey WiltedRose I would like to welcome you to this wonderful online community and would also like applaud you for your incredible strength and bravery for asking for help it takes incredible bravery asking for help and its something that you should be very proud of. I'm very sorry that you are going through this really hard time at the moment but everyone in the beyondblue community is here to support you. I would recommend you go to your gp and talk about what you are currently going through and then they can refer you to a qualified professional.

I would like to here from you again to see how you are going remember you have the support of everyone in beyondblue.

regards josh

[Gambit87]

Hi!

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for reaching out! The forums are a very supportive and non judgemental place.

I'm sorry youre going through this, it can be very brutal.

I used to hate myself too! I directed so much negativity and self hatred towards myself. With the help of my psychologist I'm slowly learning to stop looking at myself with hatred and criticism and being kind to myself. As its already mentioned, I cant recommend seeing a GP/psychologist enough. Also opening up to close friends can lift a weight off aswell.

I'd also suggest checking out the haka for life facebook page (if youre on facebook ofcourse) The founder recently completed a 25 day push up challenge. Some of the daily topics really resonated with me.

all the best.

[therising]

Hi WiltedRose

I feel for you so much during your time of self questioning. It can definitely be a challenging time.

Sounds like there's not a lot 'wrong' with you. Sounds like you're on a natural path to becoming more sensitive. By the way, don't you wish others were a little more sensitive? World would be a different place, hey?

When you look back over the past few years, do you find people have been a bit insensitive toward you? Maybe you've developed a newfound passion for adventure and when when you've enthusiastically said to folk 'Let's do this or that' they've said 'No, I'm too busy' or 'I can't be bothered' or 'I don't have the energy or money'. Left feeling down? What about when you've come up with an absolutely brilliant idea, the kind of one where you say 'Where the heck did that come from, that's brilliant!' You mention it to people around you and you're typically met with 'That's crazy' or 'That'll never work' but you know it's brilliant and it will work if people are willing to invest. Left feeling down? Just a couple of examples here but you get the gist. Is it possible you're changing to be more sensitive to amazing things but no one else is changing around you. Was there any stage where you felt like a kid in a playground and no other kids wanted to play? Can be enough to lead you to sit down and cry or have a tantrum about how 'It's not fair!!!'

What about with your husband? Sounds like you offer him plenty of reasons for why you see things the way you do. Would you say he doesn't listen to reason? Would you say you're reasonable? If you didn't 'argue', would you regard that as tolerating the intolerable? I've discovered for myself, there's nothing quite like suppressing our natural self (suppression) to help lead us into a depression.

You mention you've become this awful person. Full of awe is exactly what you are. You're amazing. You don't just have some awe (awesome), you're jam packed, full. Do you naturally wonder a lot? Do you wonder about a lot of possibilities but no one wonders as much as you? Do you just want to move forward in life changing ways but everyone around you is content with sameness?

I believe it's natural to become more sensitive. It's a bit like gaining a super power in a way. Knowing how to use such a super power is key. Observe the behaviours of folk around you. I guarantee such behaviours are questionable. Is it possible you're the most sane person you know?

🙂