Does my depression mean I will forever be alone?

[JackieE]

Hi all. I have had recurrent major depressive disorder for over 20 years. I've now hit 40. I'm married and in a high pressure job. I've tried many different types of medication - as well as having times off all medication (bad idea). I have just come out of a major depressive episode that required 4 weeks off work. I have always been upfront about my illness - to my partners and colleagues. I warned/told my (now) husband of 11 years, before we started dating seriously, that I had been diagnosed with depression in my teens and needed to be on medication. I was very clear. But now, 11 years on, it's all too difficult for him. He told me I made him anxious. He feels like he needs to save me and that he is constantly on alert/vigilant. He complains about our lack of a sex life (but, hey, the meds keep me working and I pay the mortgage so....he benefits financially). He told me to leave. 5 months of separation and it looks like divorce is inevitable.

My question is this - should I accept that by virtue of my depression I will always be alone? I am too difficult to handle? Does anyone else think this? If not - how do you deal with those thoughts?

Thanks in advance.

[Croix]

Dear JackieE~

Welcome here, and thank you for your support to Randomx, wanting another not to feel alone shows a kind heart.

Look, I'm going to make some assumptions, and if I've got things wrong I apologize in advance, please bear with me.

As someone with PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety over many years I have come to know the demands depression makes on a partner, it is a very difficult place for them to be in. You have times when you are better and those when you are worse, and this takes different strategies and self-confidence and practice - plus most important of all - support.

To make it clear that is support for the partner who is doing the supporting. My wife had her mum, both for the practical every day things like child-minding, but also emotional support, being there unconditionally and permanently. This got my wife through. Going from someone who was lost and blaming herself to a confident and competent person who could see my behavior as the symptoms it was.

We lasted 25 years loving years before she passed away, and I freely admit I could be most unmotivated, difficult and angry at times

It's not the start of the relationship, where you say you have a mental health condition that is the really imortant thing -in fact those without depression will have little idea of what it is going to be like. It is also not about the financial side unless there are other matters attached to that. It's not even about intimacy - though that does vary in importance with the persons involved

It is accepting there are going to be down times and knowing how to deal with them with strength, which comes from their knowledge, their love for you and their own support. And this basically has to continue until the illness abates, if in fact it does

True it is not for everyone, but it does not have to be, you only have to find one and care for them and ensure they have all the support they need too. I've been blessed as I'm nearing my 25th year with my second partner. It is doable even if not all roses

In fact we have fun, rely upon each other and love each other, we get though the hard times. I make up for being difficult when I'm better. I try very hard to do this, not so much out of guilt, simply out of love and wanting my partner to have a better life.

So to answer your question, if I can be in permanent relationships then many others can too.

Yes, I know this all paints a rather rosy picture, but it is what's happened to me.

Hope this helps

Croix

[JackieE]

Thank you. That's a wonderful relationship you have. It's made me consider that maybe it's not me - maybe I just haven't found the right person yet.

[Croix]

Dear JackieE~

I'm glad it was a little bit of a help, as I tried to stress it is a two way process, and while I had times I was incapable of pretty much anything -did not even recognize me sometimes, like no idea what I was or what I could do there were other times when I could try to give back and show appreciation and love.

It's not an easy road for the partner, and can't be all give -or so I believe. They have to feel they are loved. Plus they need support as much as you do.

I've found 2 people -or they have found me - who were silly enough to stick with me, and it has worked long-term. I'm sure you just need the luck to find the right person -or have them find you.

Croix

[quirkywords]

JackieE

I too welcome you to the forum and am head has shared his experience and knowledge with you.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 many decades ago amd was always honest with partners.

First husband with who. I had children blamed all our relationship problems on me and my bipolar. He had no patience for me but was group leader with a community mental health group. However he would spend evenings and weekends helping women with their problems ,!,

I know Iam difficult and am in my 3rd serious relationship and at last with someone who is supportive. I have been stable for 30 years and we have been together for a decade so he has not seen me with an episode of depression or mania.

i used to feel I did not deserve to be treated well so I would pick people who treated me in an unfair way.

You deserve someone will care and I would not Lose hope. I , like Croix , feel that the partner needs outside support and care .

Take care you are doing well.