Does it ever get better

[Riaido]

First time trying anything like this, ive tried psychs, they didnt help cause i would hide to much, and i have the mentality, if you cant spot it, you dont deserve to know, stupid, i know.

Pretty much i got depression a year or two ago, i dont know, i wouldn't acknowledge it, cause i was always happy an optimistic, nothing could bring me down, then i got sick with glandular fever, and it all started going down hill, i lost my health, i lost my job from that, and it eventually lead to me loosing my fiancee, took about another 6 months after all that to acknowledge i had anything wrong, i was down , didnt want to do anything, but a friend eventually got through to me, currently trying diffrent medications, and nothing seams to work, when i feel like things might be starting to get better, i just get kicked back to the ground and it feels like im starting all over again, the worst thing is i dont have my family as support, 'just do something blah blah blah, they might think it helps but it dosnt. i just constantly feel like shit and it just feels like everything is always getting worse, i just want to genuienly smile, and get excited for something again, anything.

/sigh

[White_Rose]

Hello Riaido

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Such a sad story you have told us. I want to give you some ideas on improving your life. Your description of being depressed is pretty much the same as many people who write in here. Denial, anger, withdrawal, self-blame. So how do you keep the Black Dog in its place?

First off you get some qualified medical help. A visit to your GP, a mental health plan and a referral to a psychologist or counsellor. Yes I know you been to psychs before, but you have also been quite uncooperative with them. It's not the slightest use asking for help and then hiding your feelings and actions.

Did you do that when you developed Glandular Fever? Or did you expect the doctor to guess what was wrong just by looking at you? Mental illness is just the same. The doctor still needs to ask questions and expect full and truthful answers. Doctors are many things but I have never found one who is psychic.

Medication is a tricky subject. I spent 18 months trialing different meds and still ended up with one that had horrible side effects and prevented me being given what was described as a therapeutic dose. So I virtually spent 18 months struggling with my major depression without the help of medication. I started a new AD several years ago and that has backfired on me so I am now managing without meds. ATM I feel good and I believe I get on better without medication. This is not true of everyone, it's a matter of trial and error.

Other people's attitudes can be the pits. But it's their problem, not yours. You must concentrate on yourself and on your health and ignore their ill-informed comments. if you would like support from other people find a local support group. GROW is one such organisation. Love to know where we can help in other areas.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Riaido, hi and it's great that you decided to post a comment on this site.

From your comment I was going to say something, but Mary has said something very similar as she said ' did you expect the doctor to guess what was wrong just by looking at you', hit the nail right on the head, because what's the point of going to a psych and expecting them to know what you are suffering from, because depression is so complex and has so many different issues that could affect you, but living in denial is not uncommon, but in this period we can lose so much in life, just like you did by losing your finance, and then giving up on seeing your psych.

I can't deny that I was this way myself, and what it did was to put a barrier between my wife (ex) and myself, so that any help I was to receive later on was put on hold, maybe I was pretending to be brave, yes I was, but only to myself but not in reality.

It may take a few different antidepressants (AD)before you find the one that will help you, and in overcoming depression it's not all straight sailing, because we still have our days where we feel good, but then suddenly fall back down, but please believe me that this does make you more aware of the positives and negatives of having depression, and later on in life will be of great benefit for you.

If you are having no luck with your AD then you should go back to your doctor and say that you need to change, because with depression, it's not like having a headache and then you take a panadol and then it goes away, this illness doesn't work on the same principle because it takes medication as well as counselling and perhaps change of your circumstances so that it will go away. Geoff.

[Riaido]

Yeah i just got a very strong distrust in doctors from a young age, they would say i had 1 thing turns out it was nothing, happened twice, one of the times think i was about 9 at the time, had to drink 2 liters of some disgusting stuff, didn't want to, they stuck a tube up my nose came out of my mouth, then i refused they took me to another room, about 6 - 8 doctors held me down, and i knew i lost cause i woke up the next day with a tube in my nose lol...

Glandular fever, was told it was 1 thing, meds did nothing told it was another, meds still did nothing, about 2 weeks of agonizing pain finally got a blood test, and found out about it 3 weeks later, then i was doped up on pain medication for about 3 months

But yes i understand what your both saying, think im gonan have to make another appointment try something different ugh...

[Riaido]

Oh other thing with the psychs towards the end i was cooperating more, i would ask them strategies etc, but they would just rant about stuff i already knew, why tell me something i already know, im asking you things, they would just completely miss the point, i think that's when i started to give up on that idea >.<;

[White_Rose]

Hi Riaido

"Why tell me something I already know?" Well I don't know what you were told, but is it possible you were missing the point? A psych commented to me once that people asked her for strategies and she always refused. Giving people strategies for different situations is a bit like giving medication. Yes it works in a particular situation but not in all situations. And what you need is a way of living your life that works all, or least most, of the time.

The reason psychs like you to talk to them is to gain an understanding of you. What makes you tick, what makes you angry or emotional etc and where did all this come from.  What are your triggers, how do you react. You talk about misdiagnosis of physical illnesses which is easier to spot, generally speaking, than mental illness. But putting your finger on what exactly is amiss is not always easy.

You sound like a very angry person, often on the defensive and extremely impatient. I can say this because I am also angry, defensive and impatient. But what works for me will not necessarily work for you. I have spent a number of years discovering about my anger and why I spit the dummy. I imagine you have very different reasons. So telling us both to count to ten, for example, before responding to someone may work differently for both of us. Actually, I can't imagine a decent psych saying this, it's just for illustration as they say.

We are different in age, gender, upbringing, culture, talents, dreams. The list could go on much further. So how can a psych jump in with a solution or strategy within the first five minutes. It just does not work like this.

I have spent a long time learning about myself. I meditate and use mindfulness. What about you? I have a deep faith in God and enjoy exploring my spirituality. Is this the same for you? I had four children and an abusive husband. What are your circumstances? Do you understand what I am getting at?

There is no 'one size fits all' in psychotherapy. So how do you expect any decent psych to intuitively know what you need if they have no idea of your story? Come on Riaido, start using your brain instead of your emotions. You will get to feeling better much quicker that way and have a good chance of a deeply satisfying life.

I look forward to your response.
Mary

[Ladyhawke]

Hi Riaido,

I have been seeing psychiatrists weekly for the last 20 years for major depressive/anxiety disorder, ADD and just recently I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I understand that you may not feel a connection with a psychiatrist or that they aren't the right "fit" for you. It took 4 years and seeing 3 psychiatrists before I found a doctor who I felt comfortable with and who was a good "fit" for me. I have been seeing him weekly for 16 years. The important thing was I didn't just stop therapy simply because I didn't feel completely comfortable with the psychiatrists. I continued and tried to gain as much from the sessions as I could.  I did gain some important insight and knowledge of my mental health issues and it was much more preferable than not having any treatment. Eventually I found a psychiatrist I felt was right for me, however, I know people who were very comfortable with the first therapist they saw and remained patients of those therapists for many years.

I completely agree with Mary and Geoff about being as open and honest as you possibly can. Yes, it's difficult at the beginning but it will get easier. When I first started therapy, I did maintain a protective barrier for the first few months. Gradually, my barrier came down and I began to speak honestly and very openly. I tell my psychiatrist everything - I have no secrets from him; he knows me better than anyone else.

To gain benefit from therapy, you will need to allow yourself to open up. Your psychiatrist can't get inside your head to help you unless you open the door.

Please trust the advice you've been given here. We've been where you are, we understand what you're going through and we're passing on practical advise from our many years of experience.

LH

[Riaido]

'You sound like a very angry person, often on the defensive and extremely impatient.' This made me chuckle a little, pretty close, but you also forgot stubborn lol. i did talk to the psychs about anger at one point, as i picked up a very bad trait of having an acid tongue when i got very frustrated as id go from 0 - 100 at the flick of a switch, wasn't pretty, they say 'a dogs bark is worse then its bite' and it implies its harmless, i think id rather get bitten.

Meditation, just dosnt work, if im trying to consciously do it, i can sometimes sit there and zone out into la la land but thats about the best of it, as for spirituality, i think something is there, i dont know what, i used to be religious, but that slowly faded away, im not closed to the idea of some 'all powerful' being but... meh...

 I cant really remember the thoughts of why i was thinking , his telling me stuff i already know, i just remembered thinking it while i was in there, had about 8 sessions with each person, and just didnt feel i was getting enough out of it

I remember he once asked what my defensive barrier was like, and i replied, a huge stone wall over 50m tall, surrounded by lava flowing off an abyss with only 1 way in, and id be in the middle of these walls, i also said good luck getting in >.<

Maybe i just have to do what you both suggest and look for some one else, and keep trying untill i find the right person

[Riaido]

Right now i just feel like a waste of space, shit mood feeling down, but I really do wonder

[Ladyhawke]

Hi Riaido, 

​You're really having a tough time aren't you? Before I started seeing a therapist, I felt the same way. In fact, I still have periods when I feel like that. The difference now is that I see my psychiatrist weekly and if I feel really bad between sessions, I can phone or text him for advice.

I need to be honest wth you: it is unlikely you will start to feel better unless you begin seeing a psychiatrist or.psychologist and start talking honestly about your past issues and how you're feeling.

I know you weren't satisfied with the other therapists, but not all therapists are the same. Try not to be so resistant to opening up to people and being honest about your history and how you're feeling now. Psychiatrists and psychologists are professionals; they won't judge you and you don't have to feel embarrassed about telling them personal information - they are used to dealing with people in crisis so there is nothing you can say that they haven't heard before.

You need to take action or you will continue to feel like this. Have you made an appointment with your GP to talk to him and asked to be referred on to psychologist/psychiatrist? If you haven't, then try to do that in the next few days. When you do see the therapist, try to be positive: they will do their best to help you and you will need to be willing to let them help you. Try to be patient - getting better takes time. Make that appointment with your GP for sometime this week, if you can. The sooner you act, the sooner you can begin to talk about your issues with a therapist and begin to feel a bit more hopeful.

Take care

LH