Do I even want to be happy?

[Imtrying]

I think I’m numb. I don’t even know. I used to be really depressed and I’m not sure if this is just a different form of depression or I’m no longer depressed and I just don’t know. I don’t even think I want to get better. I’m comfortable being depressed. I just need someone to tell me what it feels like to be happy or mentally healthy because I could be there. I just have some questions so could someone please reply? Also I’m 16 and started feeling depressed when I was like 13 and got diagnosed and everything but that was a while ago.

[RandR]

Hi there @Imtrying,
My name is Raman, nice to e-meet you 🙂
I don't mind saying that it's a pretty courageous act at the age of 16 to be writing a personal post with a touch of vulnerability (which I know for a fact isn't the easiest to do) and to reach out via the BB forums. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and furthermore, how you are currently feeling. To shed some light and context on my background which may or not help, I went through depression from the age of 18-31 (I'm now 35) and can tell you that it is absolutely possible to feel happy and mentally healthy. The truth of the matter, though, is that it works very differently for everyone as all of our circumstances are different coupled with the mind being a very fragile and interesting thing. I have overcome depression for just over 3 years now, and absolutely from time to time have been challenged and got a sense of that 'numbness' that you have referred to. Do you mind at all if I ask what makes you believe and say that you 'don't even think that you want to get better'? Are you currently studying? What are some of your hobbies? I'm more than happy to chat with you and see if I can offer a point of view and opinion with further questions you might have. In terms of what it feels like to be happy or mentally healthy, what I can say that it feels like a huge battle, it feels like a sense of clarity and being comfortable with your own company and skin, and that it is most certainly a journey and not something that can be rushed. Happy to talk more if you're comfortable to and once again, kudos to you for your post 🙂
Kind regards,
Raman.

[Imtrying]

Hi Raman, thank you for answering my post.

I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I don’t really feel much, I’m going through life and everything is just dull and boring. Everyone my age is out doing stuff and hanging out with each other and the only thing I’m interested in is staying in my house. I want to get better so that I can live my life like a normal teenager but on the other hand I’m also comfortable in how I feel now and sometimes prefer to be sad rather than happy. I feel like that makes me a really weird person so I’ve never told anyone that. I think I’ve always kind of thought I wouldn’t really make it past like 15 years old so I wasn’t ready for this and I don’t want it. It is really hard to explain.

I go to school and I have a casual job. I really hate both of them. I don’t have any hobbies and there is nothing I’m interested in. I definitely prefer to be alone too. I don’t like hanging out with my friends outside of school and don’t even really like hanging out with my family which is such a terrible thing to say.
I think the truth is that I’m okay to stay a miserable human but I want to look beautiful. It might be shallow but it is the only motivation for me to get better - if I were mentally stable I would be more willing to leave the house, lose weight, ect.

I’m sorry if that’s confusing and annoying to read. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me.

[ForestFern]

Hi,

I’m sorry that I can’t really offer advice here but I feel like you put how I feel sometimes into words exactly. I hope this makes you feel a little less alone.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Imtrying

I just wanted to stop in and see how you are and say how very brave, wise and courageous you are for speaking up, for typing your note on this forum and at 16 years old reaching out to get some help here. I am so sad, very sad to read your reply to RandR, for diving so deeply into how you feel and how well you can express and communicate how terrible you are feeling and that perhaps you are ok with that too. It made me so sad to read that you think you are weird perhaps for wanting to remain sad. I actually don't find that weird, I find it almost expected as you are always feeling so bad that it is your "normal" and that provides you comfort, you are not weird.

I also know that you are not alone on your journey through teenage years feeling so bad about your daily life. That you don't like school nor do you like your job, but I am so proud of you...you get up each day and you show up..you show up to life and that is so wonderful. My brother passed away just 10 weeks ago, he too was feeling the very same way as you, he didn't like being with his friends as he thought he was a burden to them, he didn't like being with us, his family as you said as he didn't want to "show" us any indication that he was anything other than a happy and loving life person we thought him to be. The thing is he didn't reach out to anyone, no one, he went this journey alone and therefore we could never say to him how we would love to sit and hear how he is feeling, what did he need from us to support him, how could we make a difference in his day. You are doing that right here and I am filled with so much hope for you.

I am no expert but your reaching out and your story of you life and how you are feeling really touched me and I wanted to say on behalf of your family..thank you..thank you for reaching out and for talking and I hope you get some support and comfort here, I am so sad to read you didn't think you would make it past this age but I am so bloody happy you have. I felt so good to read you want to look beautiful, well that is so great at it is hope, it is something to look forward to and to feel good about. I am sure you are very very beautiful and I am just so pleased you have reached out.

I would like to chat to you more and hear how you are.

Huge hugs to you Imtrying, you are amazing.

AS