Depressive episodes .... How to get through them without hurting wife

[BBUser10]

Hi Guys 

i am averaging 1 depressive episode per week anywhere from 4 hours to 2 days since kicking my meds 7 months ago. the other 5 days are great filled with closeness to my wife and I find it hard to remember what depression fills like , the BAM something is said  and triggers the black dog ! 

Im looking for advice of coping methods? at the moment I end up alienating my wife , she try's to talk to me when I start spiralling down checking if I'm ok but a lot of questions frustrating and end up snapping then I go through a stage of getting angry with the kids and her which ends in a row, the I get to the sad/crying phase when I climb under the covers listen to sad music and cry when this is done I feel physically drained and mope around for a few hours then it lifts.

i can see my wife getting more and more worn down each time and it puts our releonship back a few steps every time ( we are trying to become close again and regain sex life after no sex on meds)...... Does anyone have similar issues ? Or advise on the best way to cope? Ideally I would like to live with this weekly episode without if affecting my family 

TIA

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi TIA

It might be an idea on a day when you feel good, to have a conversation with your wife and make a plan for the days when you don't.

it can be frustrating when you don't feel good and your partner doesn't behave or react the way you need/want them to and it leads to the  mentioned, the anger and the sadness.

but if you have a plan, everyone knows their role. I tend to tell my boyfriend when I can tell I'm coming into a depressive mood, sometimes it's already started and I'm already crying. He knows what I need is space, unless I come to him and ask for company. Then he knows I want a distraction, so we watch some stupid to show or go for a walk. In these days he also assumes he is cooking dinner, although sometimes I ask to help.

my hope is that this also makes him feel like part of me getting better. Maybe this could work for you too?

[BBUser10]

Thank you 

 i will give that a go for sure

i worry that at times I'm not sure what I want when in the episode my wife is in a no win situation but saying that if we write down how to deal with me when I'm sad , angry , self loathing etc.... Surly my mind can't argue with my own written plan 

 i wish you could explain to someone without depression how it feels I don't think they relies how physically draining it is and how much it hurts and the amount of energy it takes to fight internally ....... Saying that I hope she never knows the feeling I would not wish the dog to my worse enemy 

[Chicken_Wings]

I think if you make a plan you might feel less stressed when your depression occurs because you know you've discussed it. You'll know at the time how you're feeling and what you need, you just need to be able to signal it to her.

My boyfriend also has depression so from the other side of the coin I know you sometimes feel useless if you don't know how to help, so knowing should give her some security too.

It is incredibly tiring! I've tried a few times to explain it to people, some people get it, some people just can't understand. But you're right, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

There is a song that I feel like explains it pretty well, it's called Black Dog by Andy Bull. If you feel so inclined have a listen and if you think it will help play it to your wife. It doesn't necessarily talk about the sadness or the weight of it, but it certainly conveys the desperation and desire to be better and how hard it is to explain to other people.

take solace in the fact that in this forum, we all understand and if you need to, come here and vent.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fine

Welcome to Beyond Blue. We are all broken here and can understand how we all feel at times. The Black Dog certainly has a lot to answer for.

How much do you and your wife know about depression? I believe the more we know the better equipped to manage we become. Can you and your wife explore this web site and read up about depression? Start with the blue tabs at the top of the page. You can download information or ask BB to post out hard copies. You can also go to the Black Dog Institute for further information.

Your wife may be interested in the literature about supporting carers. In any case, she will know you value her care.

I agree with Chicken Wings about writing a plan during your good days on what to do when you have these episodes. It would also be good to plan what you can do at these times. I went through options with my GP for just these times and they do work, but you need to start them quickly before the motivation goes and the tiredness sets in.

I stopped taking ADs a couple of months ago when they interacted with medication I started after radiation treatment for breast cancer. The whole episode was horrendous. Unfortunately I do not have a partner to hold my hand and it all got too much for me. Still, I have held on to my determination to stay off the ADs (and the other medication) and I feel I am coming back to life. Not the nicest of journeys.

When I wake up and realise it is not going to be a good day I start to plan my actions. I know it sounds easy but it's not. Such a huge part of me wants to dive back under the covers and hide. But it is like exercising a muscle. The more you do it the stronger it gets.

I need practical things to do that require me to move around. Reading or watching TV for example do not work. I cannot sit still long enough. One day I 'borrowed' my granddaughter and entertained her for the day. I get into the garden and weed, make dresses for my granddaughters, do some scrapbooking, even housework at times (wow). You are probably not interested in these activities but find something that interests you. I spent many years researching my family history and had great satisfaction doing this.

Sometimes sitting outside with a cup of tea and watching the world can be good. Anything that takes your mind off yourself and gives you a focus somewhere else. It is hard and I wish I could give you a way of coping that did not involve being distressed in some way.

Be kind to yourself as well. Write in again.

Mary