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Depression
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Hello
I have written to this post before & I thank everybody who replied to my posts.
Right now I am fed hopeless & don’t know what to do.
I had a huge argument with my sister, she said some nasty comment to me, I told her off and this happened in public, I was so embarrassed, everything was going well for a while, this escalated because I organised for a nurse to look after my mother who has the beginnings of dementia, the nurse is going to look after my mother three times a week, my mother is 81, I live on my own but I always visit my parents & help them when I am there. my sister accused me of being selfish, this was in a cafe in a shopping centre. I walked out of the cafe, I was too embarrassed to stay there.
I felt so humiliated & I couldn’t stop crying.
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Hi dubrovnik,
As someone who utterly burnt myself out caring for both my parents at the end of their lives, I think seeking the assistance of a nurse to care for your mother three days a week sounds reasonable and sensible. It’s upsetting what happened with your sister. Is she involved with your mother’s care? If you are the one doing the care work then I think seeking the additional assistance can be wise rather than trying to tough it out alone. Do you think your sister wanted to be consulted about the decision and it came as a surprise to her? The whole thing of working out care of aging parents among siblings can be quite challenging. It’s really important to maintain your health and well being through the process as best you can. It must be hard for you seeing your mother’s situation and obviously it’s a hard thing to face for your mother, but I hope you can find some good info and resources and sounds like you’re on that path already. Take care and I hope you start to feel better soon.
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Dubrovnik,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us, welcome to our forums. I'm sorry to hear about how this situation with your sister has happened. Emotions amongst family members do tend to be quite heightened when another family member is unwell or requires frequent care. One of my grandparents passed away several years ago now, and my grandma's health is also declining currently.
Have you and your sister always had a tendency to argue, or is this relatively recent and unfamiliar? If it's fairly new, it could have something to do with your mother's condition and care, if your sister is also quite involved with this.
Siblings do argue sometimes. I have a sister, and we've had our fair share of arguments over the years but generally, we recover from these pretty quickly as family always comes first. But if arguments tend to persist for days, or there are recurring themes in arguments, this is when it can become a problem and it's important to talk it out in a way that is unlikely to lead to another argument. It is also important for both parties to go into this discussion being open to hearing each other's opinions and points, and allowing each other the time and space to talk honestly and respectfully.
It also sounds to me like arguments between you and your sister would be better settled somewhere that's not so public, as that has the tendency to be humiliating for you both.
When are you next seeing your sister, if there are plans in place? Otherwise, would you feel comfortable reaching out to her asking to have a rational conversation? Would either of you feel comfortable meeting somewhere more private to talk?
Thinking of you. Please feel free to continue chatting with us if you'd like. I also have experience with my grandma having dementia, if you feel that you need some emotional support with this side of your situation too.
All the best, SB
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hello Eagle Ray
thank you very much for your reply & support.
My sister seems to think that because I am the eldest I should bear the sole responsibility of looking after mum, i tried that & even though I cut my hours to part time at work, as you know it was hard.
so I sought assistance with Aged Care Australia, it’s easier having help.
thank you again
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Hi dubrovnik,
It’s definitely good to get help. I was the sole carer for both my parents at the same time, one in the advanced stages of a degenerative disease and the other going through cancer treatment. My sibling would not help either. It was extremely destructive to my own health. So I think it is very wise and sensible you are seeking outside assistance. I don’t think it’s reasonable for your sister to criticise that if she is not contributing to the care of your mother. I’m glad you’ve contacted Aged Care Australia. I know there is something you can have done called an ACAT assessment and that can give you various options for assistance, which I’m guessing you’re probably aware of or possibly using for the nursing assistance. This was used by my mother a few times to go to radiation treatment when I was not able to take her. I took her to the other treatments including chemo, but looking back I needed more help and should have sought it. I was trying to still work part time, do full time study and care for my parents. I ended up quitting my job because it was too hard to do it all. Again, looking back, I would have really benefited from staying in the workforce and sacrificed my own needs and life, so I feel it’s important you don’t do that and get the help and support you need. Take care of yourself and take time out to do self-nurturing things that you enjoy. I hope things settle with your sister. Go gently and all the best.
