Hi naralle
I feel for you so much, I really do. Depressing cycles aren't just depressing, they can feel frustrating, enraging, grief ridden and more. So many different emotions all contained in what can feel like hell on earth at times.
As a 54yo gal who's faced ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I found a bit of heaven on earth in the revelation 'I have the ability to feel when there's something depressing going on with me'. What it is exactly isn't always clear at first but with some detective work it becomes clear. Before this revelation (regarding the ability to feel), some of my hell on earth mental dialogue was triggered by what others had said to me over the years, stuff along the lines of 'You're someone who's most likely prone to depression. There's a good chance you're going to suffer from depression for the rest of your life (on and off)'. How hopeless and depressing is that?!
If I was completely insensitive, as opposed to being sensitive enough to be able to feel what's depressing, I would not have been able to feel the depressing nature of sleep apnea, a major B12 deficiency, some of the factors that can bring about a dopamine deficiency, the grief that comes with miscarriage and what 'completely lost with no sense of direction' feels like. I wouldn't be able to feel the depressing belief systems in my head that have got to change, the inner dialogue that needs managing or some of the soul destroying aspects of my marriage. Being able to feel such things is the emotional wake up call to managing them.
To say 'I am sensitive' leads to the question 'What am I sensing that's depressing?'. Out of 3 key categories, what do I feel or sense this current thing falls under? Is it a mental issue, that relates to certain belief systems, inner dialogue (with my imagined inner critic sounding like a complete mongrel) or something else? Is it a physical issue that relates to my chemistry being out of whack with some seriously depressing side effects? If chemical energy positively fuels me, what type of fuel can I feel running low? Is is a soulful kind of issue and that's why I feel like there's something completely soul destroying going on? Or is it all 3 combined? What all 3 categories tend to have in common is energy, different forms of it. For example, high energy or energising belief systems vs low energy ones, high end chemical energy vs a depressing lack of key chemistry and chemical reactions happening within us, natural highs in life vs a soul destroying lack of natural highs or people who can lead us to feel high.
While there a times when I have absolutely zero idea when it comes to what I'm sensing as being depressing, I find other people who are able to get a better sense of things. Btw, these are definitely not the kind of people who tend to say stuff like 'You just need to get on with life' or 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' and stuff like that. The best people are those who are inclined to wonder with us, as opposed to leaving us alone to wonder. Do yo have any idea what it is you could be sensing as being depressing right now?
❤️
