Depression or the cycle of anti-depressants and not being able to feel

[Cattiii]

I have had depression since 2010, granted it has been relieved at times and also reared its ugly head in two big episodes of depression. I've been on antidepressants now for the majority of the past 6 years and have changed them throughout the years.... I have low times where I just want to avoid things of responsibility like driving, work, cooking, cleaning and well life. I have avoided driving to much that now I get very anxious about having to drive to new places even though deep down I know I can drive well and that nothing terrible can happen it's like a protective bubble I put myself in to avoid to much stress and becoming depressed but in the process I become 😒 Depressed I guess because of the avoidance behaviour. I also avoid work as well when I feel too anxious and that is when it causes problems at home and at work. I guess what I am trying to get at is perhaps being on antidepressants and this avoidance behaviour is actually preventing me to feel what I need to feel. Maybe I need to feel more so my body and brain and adapt to life... I am starting to think this bubble I have created is not me anymore and I just want to be me.... I guess I want to feel anger, stress, excited, happy, loved.... All of that and more but I can't feel any of that and haven't for years. I know that things in life I experience I should be feeling a certain way but I just feel nothing. I was got married years ago and did not enjoy the day, I didn't experience happiness. I just want to feel again and I want help with this so badly.

[White_Rose]

Dear Cattiii

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. Depression is such an ugly brute, which is why, I suppose, it's called the Black Dog. Our job is to teach it to come to heel.

I can relate to avoiding responsibility. Many years ago I became afraid to drive and it took me a while to get back my confidence. To feel or not to feel, that is the question, to paraphrase a well known quote. And I don't know the answer. So to start with, who prescribes your medication? Is it your GP and do you meet with him/her regularly? Is it a psychiatrist and do you meet with him/her regularly? Do you have a psychologist? It is important to talk to these professionals about the effects of your AD. There is a price to pay by taking ADs and for not taking them.

I was told a story about someone who lived with an overwhelming anxiety. She tried for a long time to manage without ADs but eventually could not cope. She started to take meds and became much more calm. Until one day her husband realised his wife had lost all her joy in life and was just existing. I understand they had a discussion with her professional team and she decided to stop taking the meds. Now she, and her family, is back to coping with her anxiety.

Actually the story was bit more in-depth than that but I know you get the picture. So how do you think you will manage without meds? Is it possible to take a smaller amount of the meds to, as it were, take the edge off your difficulty? These are questions I feel you need to consider before doing anything.

I really understand your dilemma. What is the point of life that you only view from a distance? A life that never seems to involve you, where you cannot sing and dance and smell the roses. Do you have the fortitude to manage alone?

The question to ask yourself first is, "Can I manage without meds?"

Then talk to your medical team. How difficult was it pre-meds? Can you have the best of both worlds, some relief from depression/anxiety and regain freedom from the bubble? Can you manage med-free if you had some psych input to help you develop ways to manage?

Cattiii, you are the only one who can tell what is best for you. Please think carefully about the possibilities and have a discussion with your health team. Look for options such as reduced amounts of meds, develop ways to manage, develop a support team. If you have no support then  ask your GP to refer you to someone who can do this.

Please carry on talking to us.

Mary