Depression from career

[bit-lost]

I thought I'd post here because I am completely lost. I've been going to therapy, taking antidepressants and I think they have helped me to the extent they can. I've tried lifestyle changes which just don't work out for one reason or another, and I am deflated, hopeless and completely lost. I don't know if depression is fuelling my unhappiness at work or if work is the cause of the depression but it makes it hard to function properly. Long story short, I lived a fast-paced corporate life pretty much as soon as I graduated high school. High achiever, always pushing myself, working full-time, studying full-time, maintaining a ridiculously high GPA. I spent 8 years of my life like this, and fitting myself to the mould. I knew the type of person employers wanted, I knew how to behave, what goals to set... I set myself up for a high-paying, successful career and always had a good income. Well, that crashed and burned badly. I suffered severe burnout. I left that life because my body just gave up on me. All before the age of 25. After time off, I looked for work outside that high-pressure, all-hours sphere. But ever since, I have been completely lost. Before all this, I never worried about what I would eat or how I would pay the psychologist/GP. Before the burnout, I actually enjoyed what I did. I was working on complex work and had ownership of tasks. Since coming back to work, I have bounced from job to job, miserable in everything I have done. We struggle with money now. I feel myself going around in circles every time I look for another job. Everything I am qualified to do does not interest me, and I will probably just be miserable. Things that interest me either won't pay the bills or I am unqualified for. I have tried going back to study twice and dropped out twice because I am still too burnt out to take on more study. I just can't cope with it. So I am at a complete loss because finding other jobs in my (corporate) field doesn't seem to help. It is just not the right field that I studied, and I wish teenage, people-pleaser me knew that. My unhappiness/lack of motivation/lack of inspiration with what I do everyday is starting to impact other things, affect my partner, my relationship, libido long gone, I don't have motivation to gym, and only sometimes do I have the energy to apply for jobs that seem half decent that I am qualified for. Those jobs tick some boxes, but even then don't appeal to me. Words of wisdom much appreciated!

[bit-lost]

I think another major factor is that I have a loss of self-identity because I knew what I was capable of, where I was headed, I had direction. But now the best word for it is... lost. And I am very sad. 

[R.Penn]

Hey bit-lost

I hear you, see you and I can see you are struggling too. You sound like a very intelligent, capable and kind person. Career hunting is tough and tricky work.

I hear a lot of self pressure? I too feel like my journey was similar to yours but less corporate, aged 18-25 I studied 3 different courses one a 3 yr Bachelor over 7 years, freelanced my own business and worked kitchen jobs to make ends meet. Although on the other end of things, I pursued illustration and design. I had so much drive and focus then in those years, I tried so hard to be an artist illustrator, make it work and I burnt out too at 25/26, 3 of my grandparents passed away and my cat ran away, everything happened all at once and I crashed with it along with my identity. I centred my whole life around my career I am still a bit lost as well. I have been unemployed for 2 years or more now I worked a temp role at Australia post which was the worst so I totally get not wanting to just take any old job. Sorry to talk about myself but I am trying to relate,  I don’t have much advice but wanted to reply to your post and let you know I am here and listening. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as high achievers when we actually just need to have some fun, relax and go with the flow easier said than done. We need less pressure on ourselves and others dont you think? I am in therapy too and taking anti depressants. But I think I am looking and searching for something I can be “good” at again. There’s just nothing around that sparks my interest. Do you relate with me? Do you have an activity that you just do to relax or have fun? I just want you to know you are not alone and if you want to talk more about it I am here. Big hug 🙂

[bit-lost]

Thank you R.Penn. This helps more than you know. I agree that people like us need to ease up a little bit, which is what I tried to do but I certainly was not prepared for the financial struggles, loss of identity, sadness and boredom that came from leaving that life. But I would never go back because it pretty much left me hospitalised (it was a choice of hospital or just quitting). I dropped out of the degree with a couple subjects to go out of necessity and self-preservation, so even if I wanted to go back to that career properly, to alleviate the money struggles, no one would ever hire me I don't think given the lack of degree, holes in resume, etc. But I am not sad about that last aspect, I think that is for the best... that life was clearly very bad for my health. I just have so many mixed feelings and am just confused. And am sad everyday at work because I don't like what I am doing, it conflicts with some moral aspects, am not challenged enough, but still need to pay the bills. Thank you for your reply. It has definitely helped hearing other people are in a somewhat similar boat and that there may be a way through this!

[Jessie-Lee]

Hi Bit-Los and R Penn

Thank you for sharing both your stories. I too am in a similar situation with work.  I've been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Depression.

I accepted that this stemmed 6 years ago when I was bullied at work from my Manager. Where nothing was done about it, but they pinned this on my performance. 

Bit-Los, it is up to you if you want to take this advice on board. Reading your story about loss of identity has alot to do with your Values. I can see you place a high value on your career, which is quite the norm for a majority of people. There's no problem with that. It becomes an identity problem when you place this as your number one Value. There are many Values that form our identity. For me, I identify myself as a Mother, Sister, Wife, Daughter, Pacific Islander, A Child of God, My profession, Career, Volly-ball enthusiast, Artist etc. You will find we all share the similar Values. The only difference is the order of priority. If I place Career as my number one, followed by the rest of my other Values. What do you think will happen to my identity if someone took my career away abruptly?

Celebrities are a perfect example. All their life in the lime light. But why is it with all their wealth and status quo some groups of celebrities commit suicide, get addicted to drugs, loose their way? - Identity = Career

For me, I have learnt to place other Values that form my identity and who I am as priority. Hint: my career is a low priority. The employment world we are always disposable but witha strong Values system we will never loose our identity because those are the very things that define who we really are.

God bless Bit-Los and R Penn. I prayer and  hope this advise will be of sime help to the both of you.

[bit-lost]

Thanks Jessie-Lee! This is what I have been working on with my therapist and I agree with you, this has a huge role to play! It has been immensely helpful. I know it is a process... most of the time I am okay with it because I know that I have moved onto bigger and better things in the sense I am doing things that align more with my values (e.g. not being in the office 24/7 because I value time with my partner). But it still hits me hard when someone is talking about something more complex and it gives me flashbacks to the stuff I used to do, and I used to be able to have a say in those types of conversations. Or when I get asked my opinion on a trending topic because I used to be educated on it all. It is those types of things, especially the things that give me literal flashbacks, when it feels too much on top of everything else (not liking my job, feeling lost, not earning enough, etc.). I guess I have to trust the process. 

[David35]

I've had a similar experience with engineering. I'm educated and intelligent but because of a head injury in the past, which affected my ability to concentrate, I could no longer work in my chosen profession. I went through an identity crisis. I'm still interested in engineering (documentaries, online courses), but what i do no longer defines who I am. I got into woodworking to help restore some self esteem, give me a purpose. I'm not in your situation, but it definitely sounds like an identity crisis. There's no shame in doing something slower paced. The hard part is finding a balance between what you enjoy and what pays the bills.

It's hard when people are talking about things you know more about but won't listen to you. Because it would have given you a sense of value, pride. The key is to find something else to give that same sense of value. It might be in completely different area though, as I found.

Hope this helps.

[bit-lost]

Thanks David35! I think you may have actually hit the nail on the head there. I used to absolutely adore a sport I competed in. (Don't want to give too much identifying information as it is somewhat niche!) Since moving cities, I don't have the option to continue with it. If I was feeling down, that's what I would go do and it would lift my spirits and make me forget about everything else for a second. I don't have that anymore. So I am a lot less fit and also miss it regularly. Lots of things I am kinda interested in I can't pursue because of cost. Tried a few different things that we could maybe afford if we tried hard, in an effort to get a hobby, but even then, I wasn't passionate about them. Why can't I just enjoy the gym!! If only that could be my hobby... but I dread it. Can't force myself to go more than 1-2 times a week 😞 I don't have that 'thing' that I love doing that I could lose hours and hours on anymore. 

[David35]

Well, it sounds like you may have identified why you're a bit lost. You need some soul food. A hobby, interest, something with no demands, pressure, that you enjoy just for the sake of it. This was the mistake I made with my woodworking. I no longer enjoyed it, then relied on the sales to enjoy it. Didn't work. I've only recently got back into it, despite the fact that it has costs me thousands to get set up again, because I needed something to take my mind off my current worries. I have an active mind! I use it as a creative outlet, moreso than trying to setup a business, which will never occur anyway.

The gym isn't for everyone. And if you find something that allows you to lose track of time, that's usually a good sign that it is helping. It gives your mind a break to wind down.

[bit-lost]

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and with all of the above input as well, I think there are two main areas  causing the biggest issues with my mental health: I am not fulfilled by what I do during the week at work (I would love something that aligns with my values... but that feels out of reach) and exactly what you mentioned David35! I definitely overlooked the last bit. I don't think that finding a hobby I love with fix the problem entirely but it is definitely at least a first step that might make the rest seem even just a bit more manageable... (If I at least liked the environment I was in every day then my work itself probably would not be so bad... Ah well, one step at a time!)