Depression / Anxiety ....finally talked to my wife and now it's all backfired

BBUser10 · ‎28-10-2015

Hi

I have been married 15.5 years and been diagnosed with depression & anxiety for 5 years.

i took anti depressants for the 1st 3 years and have been trying to kick them for the last 2 years

i use a CPAP for sleep apnea

it has taken me 5 years and therapy ( with and without my wife) to finally pluck up the courage to talk to my wife and tell how this illness affects me , I find it hard to open up and do not like to anyone. After several hard conversations I told my wife I need her to show me affection kiss and hugs and to ask me if I'm ok when we are alone and we can talk ( she asks me in front of people) and just to listen and I would aim to tell her the truth about how I really feel even tho saying it out loud makes me sound perfetic ...The 1st day I sat down and started telling he how I felt it was good she listen and made a couple of comments.. After a week and a couple of conversation still no affection and the listing stopped it turn more into tit for tat conversations, this sent me into a 4 day down period , when this issues came to ahead its turns out that my wife says she can't show me affection as she has been so hurt by me the last 5 years she can't suddenly start showing affection and she also wants to voice how this illness affects her ( which I get but I can't just deal with that right now) she wants to stay together and work through it, but she needs normality to show me affection

now I'm in a very dark place, I thought I would say what I needed and she would help and listen but now I have all these things I have to fix and its overloaded me I have not been able to talk to her for 3 days ( and when we have its been angry words) I'm not suicidal yet but I'm starting to spiral down I just don't cope with multiple problems and when someone has an issue with me I feel I have to fix it , self help book, stop drinking

im thinking of leaving but I don't want to lose my kids or my wife but I'm to angry to think straight , I put my heart on my sleeve and it feels as though it been stamped on.

has anyone has a similar situation?

MR

geoff · ‎29-10-2015

dear Mr, hello and thanks for posting your comment, and unfortunately what you have said is what can happen to the person you live with, whether it's your spouse or partner.

From what you have said, that it took you 5 years to have the courage to tell your wife what was actually happening and how you felt, but even in this time your wife would have picked up that something was going on, and that you were having a problem, because after being married for 15.5 years your personality can't really be hidden, she would know, and if it was the other way around you would also know.

To shut her out for this amount of time is not what you really wanted, but that's the power of depression, we don't want to hurt anyone, so we don't tell them, but in actually fact that's what happens, so a barrier forms between the both of you, and please that was not your intention but unfortunately does.

To try and get your spouse to now show affection will need the both of you to try and regain the love that you once had, and please can I put this rather bluntly, because I was in the same situation as you are when I was married, your spouse has now considered you as just being there, because you and once me have locked them out of our life, so it will take a lot for you to explain what and why has happened to you.

If you decide to leave then all of what I have said will only be reinforced, and will turn your wife further away from you, but that's not what you want, you want to regain the affection that there was years ago, and this is possible, and it will require a great deal of effort, and I'm sorry by you, and if you have overcome your depression it is well and truly achievable, and even if you are still having counselling and know how she feels, it still can be done.

Sorry to be honest but I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

BBUser10 · ‎29-10-2015

Thanks Geoff

what you have said makes a lot of sense

my wife has know from the beginning I have depression and I am nowhere near recovered. I'm just gutted and can't get over the fact that she's been asking for years for me to open up to her and let her help , when I get up the courage to tell her what I need she says she can't do it ... Exactly what my depressed mind told me what would happen 😞

i honsetly do not know weather I can carry on without her help, the closer it gets to the weekend the more I can feel myself sinking.

i can't discuss it with her because we end up in a loop of you do this to me and then she will say well you do this ....... Also at the moment I am not in a fully depressed mood but enough that I can't just sit and think about what to do rationally

again thanks for your reply

White_Rose · ‎29-10-2015

Hello

I find myself a little confused about your wife's attitude. You said she attended therapy with you at times so how come she has no idea how you feel? Not that's is particularly relevant now, just a slight puzzle.

It's such a catch 22 that we push people away when we are depressed and then wonder why they stop trying to help. I have asked this question of quite a few other folk who write in here. How much do you and your wife know about depression, other than your personal experience? If the answer is the both or one of you have little knowledge I suggest you explore this website and get BB to send you some information. You can also try the Black Dog institute for information.

I wonder how you and/or your wife feel about marriage counselling? It may help if you go to Relationships Australia and talk specifically about your marriage. Of course your depression is bound to come into the conversation but more as a side issue. The real issue at the moment is your communication, or rather lack of communication, and the effect it is having on your marriage. Just a thought.

The advantage of attending this counselling together is having someone who will help the conversation to be constructive instead of dissolving into the situation you have described above.

I hope this is of use to you.

Mary

white knight · ‎29-10-2015

Hi, welcome

Your words are not unlike mine in 1996. I separated from my 1st wife then. We had two children 7 and 4yo. I had taken emotional abuse from her for 11 years. So when "that night" came it was soul destroying to kiss my sleeping kids on their foreheads and walk out the door. 30 minute earlier as I pleaded for her mercy she puffed a smoke ring in my face. The straw that broke the camels back.

But as I drove away I had a sense of enormous relief. Yes, I was now a part time dad and single. But it was easier enduring that new lifestyle than enduring hatred and spite. I began to rebuild my life and soon found out that keeping busy kept me sane and preserved me for my continuance of my fatherhood.

I sincerely hope you can work it out with your wife. But you can try only so much and IF you find yourself at the end of that marriage it is not the end of the world for you. Your children will need you.

So what happened post my breakup? Well I did keep busy. I built my own home with my own hands. I worked hard and paid child support. I remarried eventually and am happy. My now grown up children ? well the youngest was influenced negatively by her mother so I don't see her now, she is 22yo One day she'll come around. The oldest I'm very close to, she is a teacher and 26yo. She is my "rock".

So, things can work out either way. Either direction you take can lead to success and happiness. It is never "the end of the world". You simply cant allow yourself to think that way. Your children need your presence and their needs are top priority. So for the time being this is my suggestions-

Time out. Even if it means going out alone to a friends house 2,3 times a week in the evenings. Tell your wife you need contact with others to chat away with, to help clarify things so you are not relying more on her.

Read. Read up as much as you can here in these pages.

Consider- that being a carer isn't easy either. Reach out. Tell her you have appreciated her patience in dealing with you and your demons. It isn't easy for others to understand nor be tolerant over time.

The most important thing- positivity. Try not to think in any negative way. If you do then bounce back in a positive way. It takes time to hone this technique but I'm living proof it works.

Keep busy. Keep regular contact with your GP. Try being realistic with less emotion in your decisions.

I hope this post helps. Take care.

Tony WK

BBUser10 · ‎30-10-2015

Thanks White Rose & White Knight

my wife and i have attend marriage counselling together , she does understand what i am going but i think she is at the end of her tether and she is starting to have difficulty coping with situation... which i can understand it's just when the cloud comes it hard to cope with.

i have read a lot of stuff on depression , i have tried to get my wife to talk to someone herself or research from a carers/partners point of view , but it she has to want to do it.

We moved to Aus 10 years ago as my wife family are here in that time my wife's parents have stop talking to her so she feels very alone and is not coping with not seeing her dad.

we had a big argument last night, but once the intail heat was over we actually talk and agreed to start afresh and to set up times for both of to be heard with out fear of rejection/shame etc.... that a big step and today i am hopeful this will help i realise i have to be patient as love is a complicated beast... she said sorry for offloading her issues with living with me having depression and she know she shouldn't tell me how bad it is for her but she has no one to talk too... and i get she does think she bad enough to see someone so i am going to try and be there for her .... up till 5 years ago i was always her rock

thanks again guys

White_Rose · ‎30-10-2015

Hello

I am so pleased you have replied and kept us up to date. What fantastic news, a new start. Congratulations to both of you.

It's great that you have a mutual understanding of each other's problems. The only way now is up. Are you still seeing a psych? Is your wife willing to also a psych, a different one to the person you see. Given her difficulties it may help her to talk to someone about her grief for her father.

I wish you all the best.

Mary

geoff · ‎30-10-2015

dear Mr, well that's great news so well done to the both of you, one step at a time, remember the tortoise beat the hare. lol Geoff.

white knight · ‎31-10-2015

Great news and a lessen for many, to tie out, reassess and regroup to listen to the other person. In the heat of the moment we often forget about proceedures that are effective. Cheers.

Tony WK

Stormi71 · ‎01-11-2015

Hi MR,

It's really hard for the people in our life who have to deal with our depression. We get so caught up in just managing to cope with our day to day life, it's easy to neglect those we love. Then they feel hurt, even though they know we are unwell. When you feel neglected sn and hurt, it's hard to show that person affection.

You are on the right track, though, you are talking with each other and working through it, and it will make your marriage stronger.