Hi Kendrick
My heart truly goes out to you. It's a horrible feeling, hey, when that same question kinda plays on a loop, 'What's wrong with me?'. Took me a good number of decades to finally work out there's nothing wrong with me, I'm working perfectly fine, I just have the ability to feel what's depressing. While that's one way of looking at it, it doesn't really help when you can't exactly pinpoint what is depressing. While there could be 50 depressing things going on in one single week, if we knew exactly what those 50 things were, we'd be able to say 'No wonder I feel the way I do' or 'No wonder I feel like a human yo-yo at times'.
I'm a gal who used to take 'You're so sensitive' as an insult. Nowadays it's more like 'Hell yeah, it's quiet and ability but it does tend to do my head in at times'. To give you an idea of great sensitivity:
- On Sunday you could feel 1)some joy or 2)a sense of peace, until the evening rolls around and you start to think about work the next day. If it's stressful thinking, you can sense 3)cortisol levels rising
- On Monday 4)some sense of dread may kick in upon waking from a sleep where 5)the side effects of sleep apnea or just a poor night's sleep have messed with you. You get to work and a few work colleagues absolutely make your day, which leads you to feel some sense of 6)happiness or a hit or 2 of dopamine to to the receptors in your brain. All of a sudden some degrading arrogant person says something to make you feel like garbage, 7)leading you into a downshift. Then comes lunch, which involves something 8)exciting. 9)Depressing inner dialogue eventually starts to dictate 'Your break's nearly over. It's time to get ready to go back to work'. You work through the rest of the day with mixed emotions. Eventually you leave work and it's a grey old day out there, 10)the kind of weather you can feel in so many ways.
I'll leave it there, not even having got through the 2nd day of the week. All those feelings, all those ups and downs, some we're conscious of and some we're not. With a mix of psychological triggers, biological and chemical ones and even ones that impact the soul in some way, we're a mixed and complex collection of things, feeling or sensing from so many different angles in so many different ways. From a depressing B12 deficiency to a lack of soulful inspiration, the range of what we feel can be massive. I've learned while sensitive people (those who can sense pretty easily) can feel a heck of a lot, insensitive people kinda have it easy to some degree, in certain ways.
Not sure whether you can relate but 2 of my major triggers for depression are depressing inner dialogue and a depressing lack of energy. With the best kind of inner dialogue and loads of energy (aka 'the feeling of life running through you') a lot of the challenging stuff in life pretty much becomes water off a duck's back.
