Depression and self sabotage

[M2]

Is it normal to constantly want to"hurt" yourself during a particularly bad period of depression? I don't mean physically. Any way of sabotaging my future seems to be on the cards. This time it cost me a redundancy payout (20 years). Another time it was a split of my divorce settlement (I gave everything instead to my ex). Usually it is smaller, not financial, more a way of putting myself last somehow, others always first.

It's obviously some kind of martyr complex. Often others don't know about it, else I'd guess it was to make others feel sorry for me. I think perhaps it's because I have somehow come to like being hopeless?

Does anyone else have this? It has been extremely destructive to my life.

[Howmuchcanakoalabear]

Hi Driver

Some advice for you mate that may be helpful. Firstly what you have mentioned is not uncommon. I also have suffered from anxiety so can associate with your feelings somewhat. You become so overwhelmed that you do nothing and then the situation seems to get even worse doesn't it. I have found that sometimes it helps to just admit you aren't coping to those who may be adding to your stress. Firstly the tax office: If you can't do it yourself is there anyone else that could act as an advocate for you (eg a family member or a good friend)? Go to the doctors if you haven't already to get an official diagnosis (many bulk bill) get put on a mental health care plan that will provide you with a number of subsidised psych visits. You may need medication to help with your serotonin levels and get you going a bit. Ask to be referred to a counsellor through Centrelink who can help you wade through the paperwork and assist in answering the 1000 ambiguous questions. I did this myself so I know from experience as I also got overwhelmed and due to my anxiety couldn't concentrate or even face going into the building. Be honest and tell them you have depression and anxiety that prevents you from being able to apply for benefits. Your doctor will be able to provide you with a certificate each month to prevent you from having to apply for jobs until you can get your illness under control. I say illness because that is what it is and it is as debilitating as a physical illness in spite of what others may think. You owe it to yourself to live in victory however and as you mentioned you want your lovely daughter to be proud of you . Let this be a motivating factor and know you are a worthy human being and people will help and also forgive. Yes I know there are some @#$% out there but I am constantly amazed by the number of truly compassionate people that really are there.

[White_Rose]

Hello to everyone who has posted here. First of all I want to endorse Jay's comment about people starting their own threads. At the moment it seems you are all talking about the same or similar situations, but if you havea problem you would like to talk about, please start a thread in the appropriate forum.

Procrastination and feeling hopeless can be signs of depression. You may not be depressed but these are well worn signs. Have any of you spoken to your respective doctors about these feelings? I know I can get into this mood of inertia and I believe it is part of my depression. The difference is I suppose, I have managed to ask for help. I get the impression you are all living alone with little or no contact with family and friends Is this correct? It seems as though you all follow the same pattern.

Suggesting you each start by visiting your GP seems logical but you seem so full of apathy that I doubt this will happen. I suggest you continue to write in here on BB, either on this thread or start a thread of your own. There are many great people who have travelled your road to some extent and can perhaps help you to start getting well.

OK please try and make a long appointment with your GP. Print off your post and take it with you. It will the GP a starting point to talk about. This is important as many of you are using up your resources fast with no likelihood of getting more. Koala has also mentioned CentreLink which is the other important place to contact. They do have people trained to help you through your financial difficulties.

I am guessing you have no spare money for counselling. There are organisations which will work with you for no fee. Anglicare, Salvation Army, Relationships Australia (they do more couples counselling). Not certain about Vinnies but worthwhile contacting.

I am not sure this is a martyr complex. After all you need an audience for that. It seems to me that your own feelings of self worth have been almost completely eroded. The organisations I have mentioned can help you in material ways as well as helping you to believe you are all worthwhile. Because you are all worthwhile, all good people who have been on the wrong end of events.

My dear people I really ache for you and your unhappiness. There's not much I can do except talk to you as much as possible and ask others to talk as well. Please make the effort to get back on your feet. Doctor, CentreLink, Counselling.

Mary

[james1]

Hello everyone,

Mary has put in a wonderful post with information and tips about what to do.

I don't have much to add except to say that I also got stuck in a similar trap and sabotaging everything. I still catch myself doing it every now and then, but I'm much better at recognising it's happening and just stopping the sabotage.

For me, part of it is also a fear of getting better. Whether due to low self-worth or to chase sympathy, I don't really know. But I just know I am afraid of getting better.

So what's really helped me is to have someone I trust to talk to. I didn't have anyone to start, but I forced myself to find a person I could trust, then be really open with them, even telling them when I was lying to them.

It's very challenging, but I just thought I'd post that as a little story that breaking the self-sabotage cycle is difficult with a lot of effort required, but certainly possible.

James

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

There must be a reason tthis thread has struck such a chord with 6 new posters and several newbies!!!?

I am in the same boat. My life has deteriorated to probably losing everything...16 Year old business, 3 houses etc, all I have worked so so hard for, due to paperwork & ATO etc.

This seems to be a common thing with depression. I am in so deep, I can't get out. It is overwhelming. Boxes and boxes and boxes of paperwork. 5 yrs tax stuff. They probably owe me money! Where do you start?? I am in isolation in remote area, no family (Only teenage son who I am failing). Now my phone is cut off. Electricity will be soon.

I want so much to get on top of it all, but I have to move and leave my son to find work in my profession. It has become my only option. I also have neck and back injuries, so in constant pain when I move or stand or walk. How can I work? But I have to. I am still self-sabotaging by delaying the inevitable move, even though I know it is the path to a happier future. I just don't want to do it.

I hope All on this thread keep posting here, I dont see a need for everyone to start their own thread, as this is the same problem we are all suffering from, so I am hoping we can support each other on this thread, perhaps share stories of how we are coping, any help received and who from, etc. Please post again guys, we need each other. I believe this is a very common consequence of depression which stops many from recovery. I feel less depressed now, but can't recover fully cos of the mess mydepression has left. I still hon't have the energy needed, nor do I know of a path forward to get financials back on track.

Thinking of you all. Let's keep talking here.

[CJs_mum]

oh yes! Certainly!
It can be little things like not eating so others can eat, but then feeling bad, moody. Listening to your favourite music until someone else comes into the room because you think they may not like your music, that you should feel ashamed for liking it.
Not studying when you should, not achieving things you know you can/could/should, giving in to arguments just to stop the argument, taking the blame for something, even though it was no ones fault/not yours.
Letting go of payments you should be claiming etc.
Even on here, sometimes I stop myself from posting sometimes because my story is "no where near as bad as other peoples stories". The problem with that is my "little problem"builds to a point of exploding/imploding inside me and I have to vent to someone - or here!
(Thanks guys for putting up with my rambling way of letting go of stuff!)
And thank you for sharing your journey! Its hard to admit that you do this.
Its time to talk with someone about stopping self-sabotage and loving yourself, putting you first or equal! All the best.
Luck, hugs and self worth your way!

[james1]

Hey Jugglin Strugglin,

I saw a comic once depicting the 'aftermath' of depression and basically it was a person picking up the pieces of a ruined house.

Your post reminded me of that and I think it's pretty accurate. So much stuff gets tossed to the side as we struggle, and rightly so, that the weight of having to do it all can be very overwhelming.

But I think that's when it's important to do the absolute most important things first, then leave the rest for later if they need to be done at all.

For example, I still haven't applied for about $500 worth of mental health rebates. I have put it off because it's time consuming and, at the moment, using the time to meet friends and go to work and pick up my hobbies again properly is better for my mental health. Instead, I asked my parents for a little bit of cash to help me through, and I'll get to the money next month.

But it's definitely hard picking up the pieces again, so rather than looking at all of it and getting overwhelmed, it's best to just pick the one or two which are most important, and do them properly first. If that's hard to decide on, a good friend can help talk to you about what is most important, as can your GP.

Hey CJs_mum,

Sounds like you've got a fair bit on as well! Good on you for sharing your own stuff too. It sounds like you want to make a change and that's awesome.

James

[Croix]

Dear Lee~

It's nice to see you back, I'd wondered how you were getting on. Although you sound discouraged over you financial situation you sound better than you did when you first came here. Then you sounded lost. Now you sound as if you know the path to take with your work and if you have to move there is at least the possibility of moving to an area where you might get help with all the backlog of paperwork.

I'm sure for someone in your profession there is going to be a demand. In my area the local cannot retire properly due to lack of replacements.

I'm sorry to hear your back is a pain (sorry about that), I now use one stick on most days and two on the rest, a *** nuisance. No ideas just commiserations.

I do remember all the people you have helped here, those intervening months since January had not been wasted, I guess it has helped you see more clearly too even if you are somewhat overwhelmed by the actions you need to take.

Incidentally I found when very down I had a sort of built-in resistance to doing things, not just feeling it was pointless but something more. I came to the conclusion (later on that is) I was frightened to fail - which I didn't. Failure would have meant no possibility of things getting better, the whole thing was a bit self-defeating, and I'm glad I was pushed.

I'm afraid I've forgotten if you ended up seeking medical help, I remember you were rather reluctant to start with, though I understood your reasons.

How is your son?

I'd really like it if you posted again.

Croix

[BballJ]

Hi Jugglin Strugglin,

I do agree that everyone on this thread is posting here for a reason, I suggested individual threads just so they wouldn't be missed as when you post on other peoples thread's there is a chance it can be missed. I am glad you posted here and I do hope the other's that posted also post back here so we can all talk.

I believe we may have spoken on your thread, if I am mistaken I am sorry, your username rang a bell with me, that's all.

You have so much going on but you seem to have this optimism that I can see in your writing. Like james1 said, I think tackling every issue, one at a time is a good start. I like to do lists, I write a list of things that need to be done and check them off one by one.. this allows me to work through things at my own pace and not miss things as well. When it is one big pile, things get missed and forgotten about.

Please, keep posting back.

My best,

Jay

[M2]

As much as it saddens me that others feel a tendency to hurt themselves in these ways, I have to say (from someone that just now really stuffed up for no reason other than to thwart my own happiness) that I gain some comfort from the fact that there are others like me, and even more by the fact that there may be a way forward with this. I need that. Thank you.

[startingnew]

Hi there M2 firstly welcome to the forums

I cans ee others here have given you some great advice

i self sabbotage too esp when my depression is at its lowest. and when my anxiety is high.

when my depression is low i often SH to feel something as these are the times when i feel numb to anything else and when my anxiety is high its to feel something other than dread and panic.

do you know why you SH during your depression? knowing this can help work out what strageties are good to use. i can help with this if you would like and im sure others would have some other suggestions to?