Depression and people's expectations

[GemAndLogan]

I've been living with depression for a few years, it has been made worse by a lot of traumatic things happening this past two years including losing my mum to cancer, my partner becoming addicted to ice then cheating on me and losing my gran just to name a few;seriously my life has been like a horrible movie, I didn't think so much could happen to me at one time.

I have always been the bubbly, positive and strong person and I feel like now that I'm not, I still have to pretend to be because people expect me to be.

I no longer want to reach out to people because in my head I think that creates more expectations such as the expectation to get better etc.

It's so stupid and it's my issue, I know that my family and friends are there for me but I just want to be alone or just be with my pets.

What am I doing? I'm pulling away from everyone because when I'm alone I have no pressure on me to be anyone or act a certain way. Why am I doing this?

[Starwolf]

Hi GemAndLogan,

It has been a rough ride, hasn't it ? No wonder it has taken a toll on your general well-being...

Pulling away when Life has been treating us rashly is a common reaction. Also, when we're suffering from a mental condition, inconsistency between what we know should be right and what we can actually do becomes an additional stressor. Unrealistic expectations of ourselves can indeed make us feel we need to meet other people's expectations too. Wearing a mask is exhausting...Withdrawal seems to be a solution.

It is true we all need time out but it can easily become an entrenched, double edged coping mechanism. After some time, we realize that being alone is no long term answer after all. Social isolation can become a problem in itself. Self-effacing tendencies confirm the false belief that we are hopeless, unlovable. We end up alienated.

Suffering from depression is tough. There is no reason why it should condemn us to a life of solitude. Struggling alone only makes it more difficult.

There has been long stretches of my life when living the rest of my days holed up in some remote cave sounded appealing. It took a lot of soul searching to figure how much of this withdrawal was a natural inclination to be a lone wolf... and to which point it had turned pathological due to past abuse and trauma.

The matter can be resolved by gradually building up enough self esteem and confidence to realize that no one is supposed to live according to someone else's expectations. Acceptance of our own limitations, strengths and weaknesses is the first step. Then we can stand up for ourselves and say "sorry, I can't cope with this".

When thoughtfully informed, those around us can be a terrific source of support. We must choose those with care. Trading quantity for quality is the way to go. Our loved ones should appreciate us for who/what we are, flaws, limitations and all. Unconditional love is beyond many (and yes, I'm with you, it comes naturally to our pets !).

There will always be situations -work or social- where wearing the capability mask is necessary. Wearing it 24/7 is soul destroying. Balance is a difficult state to achieve but well worth working on.

Are you undergoing therapy/counseling ? If not, it could be the way to go to help you unravel those emotional knots.

Kindest thoughts.

[GemAndLogan]

Thank you so much for your reply, I can really tell that you understand what I'm going through which is nice.

I did some counselling earlier in the year but struggled to open up, I've made another appointment for next month to give it another try. I have trouble opening up for people face to face, even professionals. For some reason I hide what I'm feeling and pretend I'm ok.

I can talk easily on these forums and via chat because I'm just typing.

Thanks again

[Starwolf]

Thank you for replying.

Face to face in depth conversation can be daunting. Baring your soul doesn't come easy...but rest assured that psychs and counselors have heard it all...and some more. Kudos to you for giving it another go. The mind is too complicated a maze to navigate without a guide. Struggling alone means bumping against dead ends, getting lost and exhausted, wandering around forever without finding a way out. A trouble mind is no good place to be trapped in.

Writing about your feelings, thoughts and concerns is an easier way to go. You can take time to edit as much and as often as necessary. Then you can hand this over to your counselor, whether at the beginning or the end of your 1st appointment. Some choose to give it to the receptionist beforehand. The counselor will take it from there.

Putting your thoughts in writing will help you clarify them to yourself. It will also avoid emotional outbursts, though you can cry or rage all you like in private, while you are putting it all on paper. And stay quite cool and composed as you hand over your notes...

This is a coping strategy that has helped many of us. Perhaps it does the trick for you too...

Here for you.

[White_Rose]

Hello GemAndLogan

Nice to meet you. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

As Starwolf has said, pulling away from other people is a classic symptom of depression. I like to be on my own at times but it can easily become a habit, and not a productive one at that. There is no obligation to be the go-to person in any way. When you feel OK you can offer to support someone, but not when you feel awful yourself. Please don't try to be the person you used to be. You may get back to it in the future but at the moment you are wasting energy on something that is not you.

Writing about how you feel is good and at BB we are always here to talk to you, or should that be write to you. Years ago when I first became depressed I used to write down what was happening and how I felt. It was good because no one saw this except me.

The psych I went to complained constantly that I did not get around to talking about the hard stuff until just before I left. The obvious answer is that he did not encourage me to open up. It can be uncomfortable until you feel safe enough to talk about the difficult events in your life. Not much counselling happens until you are both relaxed. Are you going to the same psych as before? I hope it starts to make sense for you.

If you do start to write a journal of some sort you may find you can show it to your psych. But don't rush this. You could also copy and print your post above or even the whole thread, depending on how you feel. Have you read much about depression? There is a lot of information on BB so browse the web site and send for any information you want.

I used to hide my feelings and pretend life was OK. I remember getting to my office door and taking a deep breath, squaring my shoulders and putting a smile on my face. Only one person noticed any difference and she was my rock. But it does take energy. Treat yourself gently, just as you would any of your friends, and concentrate on the next step in your healing, not the mountain miles away. There's nothing like creeping up on something and suddenly finding you have arrived.

Write in here as often as you want. We are here.

Mary

[GemAndLogan]

Thank you so much for both of your advice and being so supportive and understanding.

It's such a relief to find people that understand because a lot of people don't. ( not their fault)

I have made an appointment with the same counselor as before so i'll see how that goes the second time round.

It's so hard when you know you need to talk to people to help yourself but when you go to do it something stops you. I find when I get to the counselor's office I physically can't say anything except that I'm doing better so I think that writing things down beforehand to show her will help.

My GP (who I've known for years) knows that something isn't right and she always tries to talk to me but even though I'm screaming inside, I just smile and say that I'm ok then I leave feeling so annoyed with myself.

It's so frustrating. Why do I do that?

I've never even told anyone that I feel that way so thank you!

[White_Rose]

Hello GAL

Thanks for your reply. It is nice when someone validates your experiences and understands what you are talking about. When you say counsellor, do you mean a psychologist or counsellor? The title seems to be used interchangeably although they do different jobs. I'm just being a bit curious.

I think not opening up to people can, in part, be put down to shame. The idea of revealing we are flawed creatures can be very unnerving. It has taken me a long time to 'tell all'. Society has taught us that mental illness is not a topic for conversation because it is degrading to have mental illness in the family. I think this mindset is gradually changing but not as quickly as we wish. In the meantime we need to push on barriers that divide us.

Falling asleep as I write does not make for coherence. I think I hear my bed call.

Mary

[GemAndLogan]

Yes definitely, i feel some level of embarrassment and feel like I must be crazy or something.

I know that's not the case but the feeling is there when you go to talk to someone.

She's a psychologist, I shouldn't be so vague ; )

Also started writing down my thoughts when I get into a bad thought spiral and I find it's helping because I've actually had a couple of good days in a row since I started doing it and that's pretty rare for me.

I've found it stops the thoughts just going around and around in my head, weighing me down.

Thanks for replying : )

I hope you're bed was comfy

Gem

[White_Rose]

Thank you, my bed was very comfortable, but then it is always a lovely place to be.

You've started journaling, what a great move forward. Do you reread these comments or simply move on to the next bit of writing? I found that once I had written something I wanted to leave it there without further review. Not long ago I found an old notebook where I written about my life etc. I was quite surprised at my comments. It's been a long time since I wrote these. One day I think I will burn them, a satisfactory end.

When I write something it changes from the one-sided conversation of thoughts to be almost a conversation with myself. I'm told it's best to handwrite your thoughts rather than type them on the computer. There is something about the effort of writing that seems to sink in to the core of our being. I wonder if it is because it takes longer to make handwritten notes than type them, giving ourselves time to reflect as we writ. Or is it the connection with the pen and paper and our thoughts. It feels like a direct link.

As you said, it stops the endless rotation of words in our heads. It also works well when we want to make a decision and write the pros and cons down. Both your GP and psych understand that talking can be difficult so they are willing to wait and let you get it off your chest in your own time.

Mary

[Starwolf]

Hi GemAndLogan,

Good to read you are finding out about the benefits of writing.

Putting thoughts on paper necessarily slows thinking down. We must hold to the thought as words take shape on the page. This delay avoids exhausting head traffic jams. Writing helps keep the mind on track, one thought being a logical follow up to the other instead of several of them jumping around in every direction and crowding each other out. Clarity gets a chance to set in.

Mary has it nailed...writing down thoughts and concerns is a conversation with the different aspects of our selves. Because we are such complex (and often confused) creatures, those often disagree with each other. Putting it all on paper slows down the debate in our head and gives every facet more of a chance to express itself without interruption and protests. When focus is on shaping words, emotional outbursts are on hold. So inner conflict becomes easier to resolve. Writers of fiction know that different characters in a novel are often different aspects of the author's personality.

From journalism to fiction, writing once occupied big chunks of my life. Its mechanism is familiar. Observing its effects, interesting to say the least. The longer we spend on forming full phrases (as opposed to speed writing or just jotting things down), the longer the delay and greater the benefits.

It may sound like boring technicalities but sometimes, understanding the mechanism of a coping strategy does help make better use of it.

Happy writing !