Depression and eating disorder

[tc]

I'm new to BB and have been reading your stories and comments for a couple of weeks. So many of the things you write about resonate deeply within me, and I feel less isolated.

Does anyone experience disordered/out of control eating or restraining from eating behaviour?  Since childhood (am 55) my eating pattern and weight has been unhealthy - going from skinny to fat - being an anorexic teenager, young adult - then into bulimia (restraining/exercising) for most of my adult life.  Several times, over the years, especially during times of extreme distress/depression - my restraining pattern turned into bingeing, like a form of self-soothing or comfort.  Most recently, life has become overwhelmingly challenging and the binge eating pattern has returned.  I've lost control and feel completely ashamed and repulsed by myself, my body and my eating.  I've withdrawn from most of my friends and just want to stay in my apartment, watch tv and hide.

I was proud of myself when I was in control of my eating and exercising daily.  My body was lean, I could feel my bones.  It's a tremendous feeling - a high - and very much in-sync with who I am - a perfectionist.  When things look to be in order - house perfect, appearance 'perfect' (not that it ever is!) - life feels safe, life makes sense and I feel in control.

That has all gone.  I know that even when we feel "in control", the feeling is largely illusion, however, now the illusion has gone.    I've been without work for almost two years, live alone, divorced - for the second time, and have a mortgage.  This is especially agonising as I had left work for full time uni, gained a degree, worked for a time in a related field - and now am in a worse position than I was before uni.  (trying not to use too may "I's", sorry!!!)

This is deteriorating into a ramble.  My thoughts are confused.  Have been on antidepressant for about 15 years and found they help to stabilise my mood and outlook.  For the last 18mths or so, this hasn't been the case and I've become increasingly depressed, withdrawn, confused.  Self-confidence has vanished.  Self-esteem has also vanished. I see myself as a failure in most areas of my life.  

There are two people in my life who support, accept and love me, despite the depression.  They are a priceless blessing.  They don't really understand depression, and I often feel embarrassed and incredibly selfish in discussing my situation with them.  Often, the best strategy for me is "cave dwelling" - laying low, staying at home, withdrawing from contact.  That way, I don't have to wear a mask (which is SO exhausting), explain myself or expose anyone to my dark mood.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for uncontrolled eating.  Today I feel physically and emotionally sick, drained and disgusted.  This cycle has caught me in an iron grip.  This is the first time I've talked about it.  I would be unbearably ashamed if anyone recognised me or knew about my problem.  I disgust myself.

I have sort support, and hopefully will be commencing soon.  Can't happen soon enough!

Hopefully this makes some sort of sense to someone.  It may strike a chord with you, if you battle similar demons.  Reading stories of others here on BB has helped me to feel less isolated.  If some of my rambling helps one person, it makes the effort worthwhile

Whatever you are facing today, I hope you find the strength, peace and resilience you need to get through ......

TC

[Neil_1]

Hi TC  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and can I just say sorry to you for this delay in having your post responded too – no excuses and I won’t try and offer one.  But I will say well done to you for posting and providing some much detail within your post.  

Underneath your depression I do sense a very strong and determined, focus-driving person and what you said about ‘being in-sync with who you are … when things look in order, home lovely and tidy, appearance neat and well presented – life feels safer, life makes sense and you feel in control” – gee those comments resonate with me.  Though I don’t think I’m a perfectionist, I do get what you’re saying there totally.  

 TC, I think your post will resonate with so many of us on here – so you can really congratulate yourself by providing such an insightful and ‘to the core’ post.   

The binge eating … I’m just guessing that this happens as all of these kinds of things are either in your cupboard or fridge at home?  This might sound dumb as in, “Gee Neil, I would never have thought of that – NOT!” but with regard to your buying of food from the grocery stores is it possible to avoid the inner isles and/or go grocery shopping just after you’ve had a good feed?   To either try and stop the possibility of going down those ‘nasty’  isles OR to have a full stomach and so, you might be less likely to buy that non-healthy kind of food.  

As your post went on you really started to hone in on some excellent positives and that is a great sign for moving forward. 

That was so good to read about your two friends being there for you for support.  And I think everyone on here knows exactly what you mean for those of us who are lucky enough to have friends who are able to be called upon – because though we have them, at times we are reluctant to go to them for fear of pushing them away by what we tell them or for how we express ourselves.  Because let’s face it, unless you’ve experienced mental health issues, it is just so difficult.  

15 years on anti depressants is a long time IF they have been the same ones – especially as you say that you feel they may not be working as well as they once did.  Might be time for a definite med review. 

 I’m guessing that you’ve sought support that this could be via a GP or a psych – would they be possibly doing a med review for you as well?  

I’m really glad that you’ve come on here and posted – and I hope that it helped you a little, even if it was just to get some things off your chest. 

Would be great to hear back from you.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[MaryG]

Hi TC,

welcome and thanks for sharing your story. As Neil said it will resonate with many people here. I too have eating issues (restriction/exercise) and I totally understand this from you:

"I was proud of myself when I was in control of my eating and exercising daily.  My body was lean, I could feel my bones.  It's a tremendous feeling - a high - and very much in-sync with who I am - a perfectionist.  When things look to be in order - house perfect, appearance 'perfect' (not that it ever is!) - life feels safe, life makes sense and I feel in control."

That is such a perfect description. I was reading it thinking it could be me writing this. Through various stages in my life I have returned to the comfort and order that eating control gives to me. I am in one of those stages now and not sure how I would be coping without it. 

Not sure if this helps at all but at least you know you're not alone. Great that you have at least 2 understanding supportive people in your life. Keep in touch.

Mary

[tc]

Hi Neil,

Thanks so much for taking the time and thought to write your post.  I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree that grocery shopping when hungry is a bad idea.  I don't do it - and my cupboards and fridge are usually bare, to avoid temptation.  Those strategies aren't working for me anymore.  When the overwhelming feeling/craving hits - usually associated with a particularly severe depressive episode - I drive to the store and purchase food suitable for bingeing.  I feel like an addict, and in many ways it is a food addiction.  Food is meant to nourish and sustain us for optimum health and vitality.  It isn't meant to be used as a 'substance' for coping with psychological pain.  I'm incredibly aware of this ..... but still persist in disordered eating behaviour.   It makes no sense at all.

Have seen my doctor and have a referral to a psychologist.  My doctor discussed a change of medication, but we agreed that now is not the time to experiment.  Perhaps later, when I'm feeling stronger.

It's humiliating to allow yourself to fall so low.  Perhaps there is a significant amount of pride that is reeling from the failure.  

For today, my focus is to remain hopeful.

Hope your day goes well for you

TC

[tc]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your support and honesty.  Yes, it DOES help me to know that I'm not alone.  Feeling isolated and ashamed exacerbates the already negative self-view associated with disordered eating - and reading your response alleviated those feelings.  My goal is to achieve some sort of balanced relationship with food.  If I ever do, it will be the first time.  I'm sure it is worth the struggle - if only to escape the constant self-criticism and disgust.

I really appreciate your post, Mary.  

TC 

[Lights_]

Hi TC,

I can definitely relate to your struggle at the moment, i'm going through much the same. I thought I had started on the road to recovery from my eating disorder but I feel more out of control now than I did at some of my worst points a few years ago. 

One of the first things you mentioned that really resonated with me was about how good you feel when you think your're 'in control' and how its really all an illusion. Both my gp and psyc have focused a lot on this in my therapy.
I always say that the logical side of my brain knows its an illusion and i'm not in control but when i look better on the outside I feel better on the inside andI know that I can only keep it up for so long.
Then there's the not so logical side that goes 'everything's fine! we've got this! keep doing what you're doing because its making you look good and that makes everything else okay', unfortunately that part of my brain has control.

Sorry if i'm kind of rambling, but what I was getting too was that I've been learning in therapy to shift the focus onto how unhealthy my eating disorder behaviors are for my body (organ damage, immune system damage etc) when I'm restricting etc so those 'in control' times stop looking so positive. I've also seen a nutritionist as part of my therapy just for information about what a 'normal' diet is for someone my age/weight/height etc, I learnt that I can actually eat alot more than I thought without it being anywhere near overeating which definitely changed my view. Its lessened my guilt on what I thought was extreme eating. 

I definitely agree with the advice given by both Mary and Neil, I think your medication should be reviewed by a Dr, there's so many amazing different anti-depressants available now that i'm sure there's something better for you. That plus a referral to a psychologist and I think you will be on the right path, you deserve to be happy, always remember that! 

Just a side note. In case you didn't know, if you get a referral to a psychologist with a mental health care plan you get your first 10 sessions free. I know you mentioned being out of work, mortgage etc but I would hate to seeyour health suffer when you can get help for free.

[tc]

Thank you, Lights,

You were not rambling and you made a very important point about what a 'normal' diet should look like.  That is one of the main keys to, may I say "our" situation.  For me, I tend to see food and eating in a 'black and white' or 'all or nothing' way.  After eating, I feel fat, bloated, ashamed and disgusting.  When restraining, I feel clean, lean, strong and in control.  There is no happy medium or 'normal'.  It is an 'all or nothing' perspective that is inherently destructive.

Perhaps seeing a nutritionist would provide a healthy perspective on food - and give me broader options to replace my rather narrow focus.  Sometimes, I just don't know what to buy or how to put a meal together.

How long have you been feeling out of control with your eating pattern?  Did something happen in your life to spark the change in your behaviour?  It is so good that you have support from your GP and Psychologist.

Yes, you're right about the mental health care plan.  We did one on Monday and I've been referred for sessions.  

You have definitely helped me ....... thank you.

I hope you have a happy and positive day 

TC