depression and don't care..

[Simmy]

More often than not I suffer from low level depression. Not bad enough that I cant get out of bed, however its bad enough that I don't really care about myself that much. Let me explain..

I feel like I do things because I have to not because I want to. I only want to be here because I have family. I feel like I wouldn't care if I was here or not if I didn't have them. Its always an effort to work, keep fit, keep up my hobbies. I only work a few days a week but I am a full time parent. Work and hobbies are things I have to do to help me stay well, its not that I really care about them that much. In fact I hate my job. I don't have the academic ability, money or dedication to go onto something better. I wish I could get excited about life. I have been excited (rarely) about my hobbies but then reality sinks in that I'm actually talentless and find it difficult to remember and or retain information. I'm lucky that my teenage kids are pretty good and doing well. If they were not I would not cope. Every day is mental preparation and planning so I can get through it. I pretend I'm happy when I'm around people. I distract myself at home, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I do take anti depressants. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 37. 10 years ago. I feel like I'm just here with a heart beat.

[BballJ]

Hi Simmy,

I don't think that you are talentless at all... one thing I read in your post was your teenage kids are doing well, that is a major tick for you and your parenting ability.. talent comes in all shapes and sizes... raising kids takes a lot of talent as it is not an easy job and you have done it well, that is a credit to you.

May I ask what sort of hobbies do you do? I can relate to many things you are posting about especially using distractions at home and what not just so my mind doesn't run wild with negative thoughts. You said you are on anti-depressants does that also mean you are speaking with a GP regularly or a psychologist?

Please, feel free to post back as much as you like.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hello Simmy, depression can vary from one day to another, that is it may just be tolerable but annoying while other days it's totally got you and you feel so down, it's hard to explain.
The trouble with low level depression is that it can and certainly may lead onto having severe depression, although that's not what we really know, but it's something that needs to be looked and depends on your circumstances and when you can't retain information could mean two things, one is that you've got other things on your mind such as a future event or two, it could be the beginning where you start to lose interest in what's happening around you and don't particularly care.
It's good that you have two teenage kids because this can certainly help you out at times when all you want to do is sink into a chair and do nothing, but eventually pretending will become too exhausting for you so it would be good to have someone you can talk to.
You've been diagnosed with BP so I'm wondering whether you are still seeing your psychiatrist and/or psychologist, and I'm also pleased you have joined this site, so please I hope you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Simmy]

Yes I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 10 years, not that I've see him in quite a while. The reason why is twofold, one is money and the second is that I kind of know what he's going to advise me, and I cant be bothered. It'll (maybe) be altering my meds, checking in on the usual i.e. health, fitness, alcohol, social like, hobbies, kids etc and I already have all them sorted and it hasn't really fixed me as such. I guess I have not had bouts of severe depression like I had in the past. Something to remember.

My hobby is I'm learning the saxophone. It is a difficult instrument. I sometimes feel hopeless that I should be a lot better than I am and I also should be able to retain what I've learnt. So I have days where I go ok and others where I cant use my lungs or my sound isn't the way I want it to be. My teacher is very patient with me. I guess she has to be.

I'd like to not stress about my future and money. I know a lot of people do. I am finally divorced now (after many years separated) so at least its offical. I work as a Dental Assistant and the money is crap. I just go on auto pilot. I feel like I'm on auto pilot a lot 😞

[Jamiebr]

Hi Simmy,

I just signed up today and your post was the first I read. I was struck by some of the similarities so thought I'd post a reply. We are the same age and have both been diagnosed with BP a while back. I never really experienced any crazy highs. 'Up' times for me were just more energetic, creative, happy times. Unfortunately I haven't been 'up' for nearly 2 years. I have been stuck in a depression and can relate to doing things because I have to, not because I want to or can generate any excitement. I too want to be here because I have a family. Although I know it hasn't been easy for them. Unlike you I haven't been able to maintain an interest in my hobbies. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 18 months although I have been on anti-depressants for many years. I feel pretty meh about the psychiatrist although he is supposed to be a good one. I just feel like he's taking a guess which I suppose he is. Anyway after just going through six ect sessions (I refused to do any more) I am trying to will myself to try new things in order to get better. Hence joining this forum! I'm also trying to exercise more and eat better. Ive started seeing a psychologist and have made an appointment to see a naturopath. Apparently gut health is important as 60-80% of our serotonin is produced there. Basically I'm willing to give anything a go (other than more ect!). Thanks for sharing your story. It was good to read something I could relate to. Jamie

[Simmy]

Hi Jamie,

Your experiences do sound a lot like mine. So the ECT treatments didn't work? I thought about the same treatment at one point. Yes probiotics and a good diet are paramount. I used to have gut problems but I don't now. I tend to eat vegan/vegetarian (whole foods) and take calcium, magnesium and iron, B12. I do try and walk job 3 times a week. I got so bored with going to the gym. Can't face it anymore. Yes why not try a naturopath.

I've limited my alcohol as well.

Sometimes I feel like running away and I don't want to talk to anybody. It sounds strange but I'm over myself! I don't want to go and see anybody and talk through my problems anymore. Also I've made so many stupid mistakes over the years and live with regret. I live with guilt and resentment. I know its unhealthy and non productive but I cant help the way I feel. I also get very irate really easily. I just want silence and not see anybody. In fact, I prefer the company of my dogs than humans some days.

This is a good forum to have that conversation that others can support and relate to. I just don't know how to stop worrying and begin caring about my future.

You wrote about 'highs' well I used to get them in my 20's. After having kids (my oldest is 19) I don't have them anymore.

I'm concerned I could spend the rest of my life like this and that I'd just give up.

Also all the horrors in the news, globally affect me greatly. Feel like isolating myself.

[Jamiebr]

Hi Simmy,

There may have been a little improvement from the ECT. Might sound stupid but I just didn't like the process, the anaesthetic, lying down on the bed knowing what they were about to do. It frightened me. I think the best thing to come out of it is my renewed resolve to try & find a way out of it. I too have worried that this is permanent. I'm assured by medical people that it will pass. Prior to 18 months ago I had a month here and there of feeling depressed but it always passed. I've never had such a long bout. I'll keep telling myself that it will pass eventually! Fortunately I don't drink. I'd be a real mess if I did! Gave it up 19 years ago. Yeah the news sucks. I don't know why I read it but I do. I enjoyed talking to the psychologist last week. i think my depression is largely chemical. My story is not that interesting. I'm more interested in getting her help to come up with a plan to get well. Other than the weird neighbour thing (the guys an arsehole), I really didn't have that many issues. My confidence has taking a kicking so I guess there's that. Truth is when I gave up drinking I did the AA thing for years & did lots of dealing with short comings. I'm probably rambling but it's good to write it down. Exercise is something I need to do more. I always feel better when I ride my bike regularly but have been struggling to do it. Today I decided that rain hail or shine, exercise is mandatory if I'm serious about beating this! I guess you probably already know that wanting to run away & talk to no-one is part of depression. Totally relate

[BballJ]

Hi Simmy,

I understand what you are saying... sometimes the feeling of speaking constantly to a psychiatrist can become repetitive which is why sometimes switching things up and speaking to a new one may be of some benefit, almost another perspective... I know from your post seeking out that help from a professional isn't something you are wanting to do currently but you also said you don't want to feel this way anymore and I do believe they help you especially when they connect with you on a level you feel comfortable.

I think we all have stuff we regret in our lives, it is very common feeling but have you ever fully dealt with those feelings or do you just try to hide them away and pretend they are not there cause I have been there as well, it seems easier but to get better and move on, we need to let go.. we need to stop holding onto the things that are causing us this mental baggage... I know it is easier said that done but somehow need to accept that you cannot change and let it go... how, I wish I had the answer for you.

I like the saxophone, I wish I could play, sounds great that you are even trying seriously that is amazing and musical instruments are very hard so well done for keeping on going and persisting with it even if you feel you should be further along.

May I ask, is there anything we can do to help you on the forums? I am always happy to talk and support but want to make sure we help you with what you want to get out of the forums.

My best,

Jay

[Simmy]

Hi Jamie,

a very late response! How is life going now? Are you keeping up an exercise regime?

yes I can relate to you very well as I to do spend days on auto pilot and feel like keeping a routine is a major effort as well as feeling very little enthusiasm or excitement. Then I feel guilty for those feelings and that I’m wasting my life. It’s a cycle I can’t seem to snap out of. I’ve never had ect treatment. How did that change things for you? I’d be interested to know.

I’ve just undergone many blood tests as my energy levels are so low. It’s frustrating me to know end as exercise is a necessity for me and my sanity. So far the bloods haven’t shown anything so I’m having my hormonal levels and other bloods done.

feeling so fatigued and in a rut..

xmas time stresses me as well. Hope you have some fun plans for Xmas?

simone

[Simmy]

Thanks Jay,

i don’t know what’s causing me to feel this way. I also don’t know what I can discuss with a professional that I haven’t discussed before.

I’m now divorced and I don’t even know if that was the right decision.

the problem is my feelings change from day to day so decisions are difficult.

I’m scared I won’t be able to support myself financially and I’m disappointed in myself for not working harder on a career.

im so fatigued all the time and end up falling asleep so early. Feel like a killjoy.

getting some bloods done and will go from there.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have responsibilities and had someone that loves me and cares for me as well as understands me.

simone