Depression and Alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi All,

Its been now another year since my last post. .My wife is still in denial, despite still drinking in secret and hiding wine bottles in random places. She is still angry with the world and blames everybody but herself for the state she is in. Her anger goes from 0-100 in seconds, and I do my best to protect the kids from it but feel I am failing. She won't get help, to get nothing is wrong. If I leave, it would destroy my kids.

We built such a good life together, but she is never happy. I have prayed for light at the end of the tunnel but feel there is none. 

The words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry, it is hurtful. I believe she has BPD, because if all the different sides she has. She can be so kind and a beautiful mother, but then becomes the worse. 

Not sure what to do next, just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks for listening .

[randomxx]

Hi there op and so sorry for what your family are going through.

l'd actually take her up on the counselling and if they're any good they should be able to see through any twisting she does .

l know you feel it's beyond that now but l'd be hoping for your kids more so than the marriage , that maybe they will help her see things she's in such denial of and maybe talk her into getting help. So just on that basis l'd give anything a try myself seems as she seems willing now.

l'd also sorry to say but have to agree with Givi too if it has to come to that worse case.

l think to in whatever way you try to find some separation whether you leaving the house or her leaving the house, it has to be you and the kids you can't lose your kids and you can't leave them to her, it has to be you with them no matter what in whatever you do and decide. And if it comes to that , doesn't sound like there's any other way tbh unless you could get counselling to help her see and do something about it herself. Then you can talk to the kids and explain that it;s only temporary, maybe a yr 2 yrs but their mum needs to get help and sort herself out and being alone in time will hopefully force her to see it and finally do something.

l know how rents and housing are so insane in this country at the moment but maybe you could find some sort of set up for you and the kids, ldk , friends or family or do some kind of deal, maybe even one of the charities. But if it was me as soon as l found something manageable l'd pack us all up and just leave,preferably why she's not home to save them from further trauma . Alternatively somewhere for her instead and she leaves.

l know you've bounced all that around, but l can't see what else you can do if it comes to that for you and the kids.

So sorry about everything , especially for the kids but of course you too.

pls hang in there.

rx

[randomxx]

PS. l can't go into it but my mum had a lot of troubles too for a long period through us growing up.

Dad managed to get her into hospital. There were a couple of stints of about 6 mths where she was in hospital . Although we all missed her terribly and it was a bit confusing for sure as a kid , l think to we all knew she needed help and there probably wasn't another way.

We had a huge family and he ran two businesses so no way he could cook for us all all the time and look after the house too but he found a housekeeper that use to come over just a few hrs every after noon or every 2nd afternoon , clean up a bit and cook a tea.

rx.

[Helpadad]

Thankyou for your kind words and advice. I have booked marriage counseling, so we will see how that goes. I am always cautious and cannot help being paranoid that she is drinking. The trust is the biggest obstacle to fix, but I will try for my children to keep the family together. 

[David35]

Alcoholics typically blame everyone else. Sometimes though, no one is to blame. Life circumstances just cause a great deal of  stress and  alcohol is a coping mechanism. I've been there. But it's  a bit like someone injuring you. I can refuse to get patched up because it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't help me much. In the end, it doesn't matter who has hurt you, disappointed you in life. It's up to each of us us to seek help. Often despite the fact that it may not have been your wife's fault.

When I came down with alcoholism, I was angry, started abusing my parents, blaming everyone. The reality was that I had lost my career due to a stupid head injury and was struggling to find hope,,peace,etc. I could stay upset, bitter. Or I could try and get better. With help from AA, parents who supported me and loved me, I overcame it. By talking more, finding a purpose in hobby woodworking, and having the courage to get counselling, things can change. But they can only change if she wants them to. It must occur from the inside. All you can do is support her while she finds her feet again in life.

[Emotions26]

Hello Helpadad.

I have read through all of the posts and feel so very much for yourself and your children. You really have all experienced far too much for any family. You clearly love your wife and I feel that your children love their mother. The mother and wife who is not drunk or abusive. None of you like her. Alcohol brings out the deep emotions and pain that people are experiencing. Sadly many drunk people turn this around so as to escape self punishment and redirect it outwardly. This is where the damage is done.

You mentioned from the start that you suspected that your wife has BPD. I do not remember reading anywhere that she has had a psychiatric assessment confirming this. Alcoholism is a strong contender for those who suffer from this very serious mental disorder. This disorder is  also apparently one that is extremely hard to diagnose correctly often diagnosed as something else; initially resulting in incorrect medication prescribed; if your wife is taking any. If she is drinking on top of taking medication that would be worsening her moods and illness and definitely inducing such aggression. Rehabilitation on it's own will not help someone with BPD. They can be hospitalised where the alcohol withdrawal is addressed but more importantly the suspected BPD diagnosed correctly if this is the case for her. Ongoing psychiatric treatment is required as medications need to be adjusted and often many hospitalisations put in place to assist her in reduction of symptoms. Suicidal thoughts are also often a symptom.

I know of this as a close relative of mine was married to someone incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar after several years. Only to find out later after many many hospitalisations where she herself recognised that she was not safe; changes of medications until finally diagnosed with BPD.  I was told later that she was a heavy drinker. Self medicating. The hard thing for everyone is that this relative of mine was a lovely person in the outside world. Finally they could no longer live together although the love was still there. There were no children in that marriage. They  still had to end their marriage. He is now with someone else and still loves his first wife.

My overseas cousin also endured life with his wife on a rollercoaster ride with her mental health. He had to end his marriage and they had two sons. The wife eventually diagnosed with serious BPD.  Cousin has his own life but his sons still visit their mother and see her as their mum. The two boys are now married happily with their own children and my cousin has remarried happily. He still loves his first wife and feels for her.

You can have a new life and still love your wife if that is how you still feel. You live separate lives and the love can still remain. Your children can still love their mum whether or not they have access if this is what they want.

I thought that this might help you if this has not yet been looked at. I am not suggesting that you stay together as the situation is now dangerous as you  have described. It might help knowing that she can get some help for a mental health illness that is so destructive.  There is no comparison between mental health illnesses and their symptoms; only some similarities. Alcohol is a go to self medicator for the intensity of the suffering. The abuse and outbursts and everything else is not excusable but is well documented with this illness.

You are doing the best that you can and are now putting yourself and your children first.

You are a beautiful loving father and now is your time to have a happy loving family with your children.

I hope that you do not take in any of the abuse that has been directed at you as you have done nothing wrong from what you have described. The illness is the perpretrator and the alcohol fuels all of the self destructive thoughts within the person.

I hope that you don't mind my writing about this as I thought that if your wife is diagnosed with this; it might help you to realise that the person you married and mothered your children, with whom you fell in love with, is seriously unwell.

Every case and every person is different.

Does that make sense?

Emotions26

[Helpadad]

Thankyou for taking the time to reply with your kind words and advise. I received another barrage of insults tonight and find myself on the couch. She's using the kids and saying stop fighting, when she us the one shouting. I withdrew and sat in my own, until she came and started abusing me again, how much she hates me, how I have ruined her life, how she has no one, and no life. How she gave up everything, it is the same everyone. The hatred when she gets in these moods is intense. We have a comfortable life, we have worked hard for and out kids go to good schools. But, she is never happy, always the victim. I record her because she changes how events played out, for my protection really. She won't change it get help, to her I am the reason she is depressed and drinks. I have convinced everybody to help her, and they only think I am a nice guy because they don't know the real me. These are some of  the things I hear daily. I have a big heart and love my family dearly. I am trying to find the courage to walk away, but instead find myself crying on a sofa downstairs whilst she laughs with the kids upstairs. They are not blind, but they love their mother and I wouldn't want to change that. She will try to make amends in the morning, I just don't know how much more I can take. 

[therising]

Hi Helpadad

As things continue to escalate, including the challenges that come with your overall wellbeing under the circumstances, something's definitely gotta change. This morning sounds like it may offer an opportunity to lead her to become more conscious. You have the recording which she may need to listen to. Being a mum myself, I can say if there's one thing that has the potential to create change, it's the mother card being played. Appealing to the loving mother in her, getting her to listen to what her kids are hearing on a regular basis might just shock her enough into waking up. 'While you believe alcohol is creating some sense of ease when it comes to how you feel, this (the recording) reflects the stress and dread your kids are living with'. Should add, if she suddenly feels an overwhelming sense of guilt, that's not a bad thing. Guilt is a sign of a conscious person, as opposed to someone who doesn't care. On the other hand, if you feel the guilt will be too much and the recording will tip her over the edge and lead her to do something serious, best not play it while looking for another way to manage. Only you know what's best. Playing just a snippet of the recording could be another option.

It sounds like now may be the time for an ultimatum. If you decide it's the best move, perhaps something like 'If you refuse to listen to this (recording) from start to finish, that's it, I'm done. If you refuse to listen to what our kids have to listen to everyday, it's over. They can't keep listening to this. It's impacting them and their lives despite what you believe. Just as important is addressing how incredibly sad and angry you feel and how alcohol will do absolutely nothing to change this'. Emotions26 offers sage advice when it comes to your wife finding a way forward that can help her make some sense of why she's suffering so much. Getting to the bottom of underlying reasons can mean having a constructive plan for change that doesn't involve looking for relief through alcohol.

[Emotions26]

Oh that is so very hard for you to deal with that. I can see how much you love your family and are trying to keep everyone together as you once were. That is no longer the case now though. Your wife is not seeking help either because she is too unwell or in total denial. For whatever reason. This as others have said is no longer a healthy or even safe environment. You must look after you so that you can look after your children. Do you have a family doctor? I can tell that you are worn out and I am not surprised that you can no longer hold in those tears. Too much. She is not going to stop until she gets the right help. Whilst you are there you are her scapegoat. She is using you to get rid of her own guilt, blame you. Don't let her destroy who you are and who you are in the eyes of your children. Do you have family where you can just pack up necessary stuff and go to with your children? Keep everyone safe first and foremost. Once you are out of the web of deceipt that she is playing out from alcohol or illness you might see the picture differently. A bit like peeking into another person's house and seeing the whole scene played out in front of you. That would be enough for now. Don't try to plan too far ahead. Take your house keys and essentials. You have recordings so don't worry about the house. You and your children come first. The house will come later. Then talk to you family if you trust them. Only if you trust them. Do not let anyone start to play the blame game. Let family know you need to get your breath, clear your head keep your children safe. You always have the BB helpline 24/7. You also have lifeline 24/7. You will not be alone. I will say be careful what you write about where you go etc from here on in though. Keep on writing about how you feel is okay. If this is helping you which it seems as though you feel heard, that is good. People who care are here responding to you.  We know how hard you are trying. We want you to know that you and your children must be safe now. You are a good person. You are a good dad. Remember that. Do not listen to her. You can do this. Emotions26

[Emotions26]

Hello David 35

I hope that you don't mind me writing in response to your post.

I wanted to say that took so much courage to do what you did and would not have been easy.

I am sure that you have already been told how brave you are as well as the fact that you have determination, perseverance and great strength. Please be proud of yourself.

Your story here will help others. I know it will.

I know this from mental health posts that help others.

There is a parallel. Something causing people to struggle and their turning to self medicating.

Whatever the cause the fallout of self medicating once addressed can help the cause become visible at least. Then there is hope for change.

Ems

[Helpadad]

Hi all, another 4 months has passed and the roller coaster continues. Drinking still on going but the me tal cruelty continues. She has lights the kids and they are showing signs of depression and severe anxiety. I am failing as a father in that I have not taking them out of the situation. I don't know what stops me? I have been told it's just a house etc, home is wherever you make it. But losing everything, I know just possessions is still hard. Trying to get the money together for rent, so that I can have a place before we sell the house. She is working on my 12 year old son, turning him against me. I am still convinced she has BPD from all the drinking. She is just cruel, most if our arguments are over the way she talks to the kids when drinking. I protect them as I should, but tonight when I stood between her and our 16 year old daughter, she said oh that's tight the incestuous couple. She is just vulgar. I'm answering .y own questions I know I have to leave, for me and the kids. But this post and the abuse has been going for years, and my strength is getting lower. Sorry just needed to put my thoughts down. Thanks for listening