Depressed woman with an even more depressed male partner

[Skyshay]

I am reaching out for some tips or to gain more perspective about depression. I have depression and am responding well to medications and therapy. I feel great. My partner entered into the darkest place yet. been going on about 7 months now its overwhelming for him and i. He admitted he needed help which was amazing as he never has before and is back on the game in terms of trial and error of medications. The side effects hit him like a tonne of bricks i feel so mich pain for him. Always tired, Headaches upset tummy. And no change to his mood. Still trying to find the combo for him. He gave up years ago after 3 years on unsuccessful medications.He uses marajuana as it is the only thing that keeps him calm. Alot of it and i dont like condoning it. But i do beacuse when he doesnt have it nothing can ease his cripling amxiety.

His anger and anxiety is causing me frustration. We have dogs to help us. He is linked at the hip to them both and he doesnt like walking due to weight gain. Lake of motivation. Anxiety. Especially anxiety about the dogs. Other people walking their dogs. He doesnt seem to trust me walking them. I am a bit more go with the flow now that i am feeling more like myself.

I love the dogs but i am able of leaving them for a holiday in the right hands of freinds and dog hotels... but he will never accept that. I can cope for a while but i am struggling to see a way clear

I cant even take the dogs for a walk cause he gets upset and anxious and begs me to understand his perspective but i am at the point now where i need to walk them with or without him for their health. Not mine or his. Theirs. Its the same for shopping. Sometimes i bite my tongue from saying just get over yourself and come. The dogs are fine. But i know how much thay would piss me off when i am in my own hole. However after a certain length of time i struggle to be as easy going to just accept it.His mother is here and she helps out at home cookinf cleaning etc and it makes him annoyed cause her cleaning makes him feel bad. I appreciate it so much. I am exhausted with coping to work and manage myself and look after myself aswell as being there and support.

I am jist getting exhausted of so much anxiety and negativity from him.We cant drive anywhere far. If we do ever walk the dogs its stressful and he is full of anxiety and makes a scene and i cannot tell him to be logical. He usually is logical

Any advice from someone in a similar boat ever. Advice from a male who can relate?

[james1]

Hello skyshay,

Welcome and I'm so glad to hear you have found your way to us. You sound really exhausted and I am not surprised since you are bearing so much of the burden from your own mental health as well as your partner's. It also sounds like you are trying to take the best care of your dogs as well, but perhaps his mental health is making that harder.

I do not really know what advice could be helpful, but I wonder if you are able to try and unburden of some of the issues here.

Is your partner seeking any support at the moment apart from having his mother around? It sounds like the medications are yet to take effect - is he having any talk therapy as well?

James

[Skyshay]

Hi james thanks for your response.

He has been back and forth with doctors who he strugles to connect with and find them usefull. He goes to them and is trying to be patient but the current one has had no success . I feel so much pain for him.

The anxiety stops me from being able to walk thw dogs and him too. On the odd occasion we do but its a nightmare and i rather not cause it does the opposite of what i want it to be and makes his day shit. Hence im at the point where i said its not about you and its about the dogs for once.

I feel he expects people (me and his mim) to condone his depressive behaviour. Ie his mum cleans and he expects her to not because it makes him feel shit. And i get it. But also... its not about him its about the house being cleaned to essentially help us. As it gets put on the backburner when everything is going on.

I feel like im whinging, but i need some tips on coping. I feel selfish as i am feeling better and he seems to be going more backwards. The anger when things keep getring worse is sadening and my high spirits dont do a thing

Thanks james

[james1]

Hello skyshay,

So nice to hear back from you.

It sounds like he's at least trying to speak to doctors and the more he can continue to do this, the better. It is so important for him to have someone he can connect with.

I do not think you are whinging at all! It is really difficult to help support someone who, as you say, just wants someone to condone his behaviour which is actually not helpful to anyone. I think it is really important for you to feel better as you unable to help him if you are not well, and your feelings are just as important.

It is probably not really my place to say how to speak to him, but it sounds like we both understand why he feels like he wants people to condone his behaviour. He seems like he so desperately wants to be understood by people, but feels shut out and the only way he feels understood is if people do what he wants.

Do you think there is a way to reach him without doing what he wants?

For example, one of the things I often try to do is an "I understand and agree with you, but..." My mother always used to talk and get very upset about how she felt like I shut her out So I'd tell her that I understood that she felt upset and I agreed that we should have a closer relationship, but I did not feel ready to get to where she wanted and we would continue to work on it. Of course, it didn't make her happy, but it defused the situation and she's learned to accept it now, while it gave me the space to actually work towards trying to rebuild the relationship at the pace that I needed.

Do you think there's a similar way for you to approach this?

James