Depressed Partner - treatment resistant

[lovablelemon]

Hi Everyone, I'm the partner of my girlfriend of 6 years (who is also my best friend) who has been diagnosed with treament-resistant major depression.

We recently moved out of home together, thinking we were both able to support a life together, after having endured living apart and with difficult family home situations for 4+ years of our relationship. Unfortunately not long after moving out my partner started suffering what she says is the worst mental health downswing she's had in her adult life. She's mentioned having some before as a teenager, but this time has been so long (been majorly depressed for more than 2 years) and more difficult than ever.

She had a decent chunk of savings (over 15k) before getting unwell, but almost all of this has gone toward medical expenses and rent/unpaid leave at her work which she now works at remote 2 days a week.

I've really struggled watching her suffer, and feeling her push me away over these two years. During this time she's almost succeeded in ending her life twice, with also having a severe medical reaction to one of her depression medications which was also life threatening. I can't imagine how hard it's been on her. I've been feeling anxiety and hypervigilance as to me it feels like my decisions have saved her life multiple times and it's too much pressure for my conscience to bear that if something had gone even a little differently and I hadn't been hypervigilant she might be dead now.

I've also been working and studying at the same time, with 50-60hr a week commitment to hopefully improve our lives. During this period I've just been feeling more and more burnt out in every sense trying to force our lives to function. Some of this was from difficult work, and also in trying to do house tasks, but most of this has shown up in me as deep emotional fatigue, trying to empathise and support her while struggling through my own immense workload. And feeling like I have no real support for this that makes a difference (even though I've started seeing a psychologist and have family for emotional support).

I suppose the question I want to ask to everyone is, now that my partner has drained her emergency funds, how on earth is she supposed to look after herself, and how should I be looking after her to also protect my own/our financial futures. The amount of psychologist, dental (oh god the dental costs we can't afford), and psychiatrist bills on top of all the other mounting issues with affording general adult life seem impossible to overcome. With it being a treatment resistant (she's tried over 5 ADs at this point some of which were in an inpatient stay) there doesn't seem to be any hope on the horizon. I don't know how we're supposed to manage, especially at the start of our adult lives.

So much of the time I feel like giving up, I can't imagine how she feels being the one to experience these issues in her own body and mind. I feel like I am captor to someone that doesn't want to be here (alive) or to try anymore. I've gone through so many waves of grief at her mortality and attitude toward life, it's a getting harder to still stand and try to push forward, this being even harder now that her financial resources have dwindled.

I could probably fund everything she needs for her care, but she's also made clear she doesn't want to place that burden on me. I also don't know (I know this is unjustified and I feel like a horrible human being writing it) that if it came to me doing this for all her expenses, that I wouldn't resent her for the opportunity cost of our lives and financial futures. I don't want to break up with her as I care about her immensely and she would realistically have nobody to turn to. Such a large part of me is absolutely shattered that these are the decisions we've come to with all of our life potential - that we are forced indefinitely to pay into a system that admits so far it cannot help her (treatment resistant) and that I am somehow supposed to sacrifice so much of my/our financial futures for something that feels like a hopeless battle.

I don't know what to do, writing this is in some ways a last resort. How are we expected to upfront these costs and live through these difficulties.

I feel like it's just a waiting game before we have nothing left to return to and we both have no choice but to give up. Treatment resistant depression is horrible.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You are in a tight situation but its also pleasing to read from what is actually a carer that is trying hard, well done.

I might be old fashioned but to live with someone means a marriage without the paper. But the values are the same. So this means under my description, that you blend your finances together and you do it for "love". It does appear that finances are your major worry but couples will always go through periods where the challenges are huge and your savings will fall. Many couples when they finally can put a deposit on a house , live in the house but a few years later the market drops and they have zero equity. Its a swings and roundabouts existence. 

So thankfully she had those savings. What if it was yourself that fell ill? Say broke your leg and led to losing your job... do you think she would "carry" you through the tough times until you're back in another job if she worked 60 hours a week? Only you can answer that but reversing situations can make things clearer.

Essentially this means its no longer "my financial future" but "our". All you would need to confirm is that she is trying her best and not milking  the situation so she doesnt need to work. It happens but unlikely with her illness.

It's great that she is getting the professional care she needs but carers like you are also under huge stress. I walked into a therapist meeting once with my wife. The first words he asked was "and how are you coping"? To my wife!. I have bipolar and other issues. It was a wake up call for me to realise that carers are doing it tough.

So, I suggest this- have many meetings with your partner about financial planning or commission a financial planner. Form a budget. Work together in deciding where to cut expenses, dream up cheaper entertainment strategies and hobbies. You need to factor in a way of lowering your working hours because it isnt sustainable how it is. Care for you!.

Sort out a routine that is dependant on her depression on the day. eg you might agree that she cooks/prepares dinner every night. Thats one less thing for you to do that will allow you to do some cleaning up of clutter while you are chatting. My first wife was really lazy and didnt do housework. I worked 3 jobs and cared for our toddlers more than her. One doctor told her "if you are capable of talking on your phone and bathing then you are capable of doing two other tasks daily like pegging out the clothes or cooking a meal. So yes, it might not be easy on her but you really both need to get a routine going that spreads the load a bit better.

I hope this helps. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi loveablelemon

You need to give yourself great credit for all that you've done to raise your partner through so many challenges, including life threatening ones. This can involve so much hard work and can not just tax someone mentally, it can also have an impact on physical energy systems and even a soulful impact in some ways. With that trifecta, it really is hard work. You're not a horrible person, you're someone who's facing the trials of depression, your partner's depression. 

With treatment resistant depression, I can never help but wonder whether the cause is being treated or the treatments are general with the hope that something will work. Unless the cause is treated, it can be hard to hit that mark in a lot of cases. There can be dozens and dozens of different reasons for a depression, such as physical/chemical reasons, mental reasons and soulful/soul destroying reasons. From chemical energy deficiencies through to major struggles with inner dialogue, belief systems etc and all the way through to being a HSP (a naturally highly sensitive person who requires greater levels of self understanding and self mastery), these a just a handful of depressing challenges. Long term depression can also come with its own challenges, compared to episodic depression. From my own experience, the trial and error factor that can come with just about every med failing to make a difference needs far more serious addressing in my opinion. I can recall what it was like and how it added to a sense of hopelessness and 'failure'. I've found that the field of psychology can be incredibly helpful in some cases, in other cases it can fail to address a lot of issues that really need addressing for certain people. Sometimes what's inside the square helps and other times outside the square stuff can be well worth looking into. It's amazing how impacting a sense of pure desperation can be and how it can lead to exploring what lies outside the square. 

I'm wondering what type person your partner is, what type of nature she has. From what you write, you are obviously a beautiful person, someone so deeply caring and someone who's becoming so exhausted. I feel for you so much.