Depressed Aussie in Taiwan

Dingding · ‎04-09-2014

Hi there,

When I was 18 a girl I loved killed herself. She threatened to do it for many years previously and suddenly just after we left school it happened. I was depressed for the next 5 years until I finally asked for help and dragged myself out of it. Shortly after putting that behind me I met the love of my life, and here I am 5 years later married with a young daughter and I've been living in Taiwan for 3 years. It was hard at first but I learned the language and get along well with my wife's family.

i recently returned from a trip to Sydney to see my family and I've noticed those familiar symptoms returning rather strong. I took the test on this website and scored a 31 which is apparently high.

my wife is also battling something which she wouldnt find help for, she's told me twice in the last year she wanted to kill herself. But there seems to be some sort of cultural block that stops her looking for help. Since the last time 2 months ago she has promised me she will see a doctor but hasn't got around to it yet. This really terrifies me but I feel at least she has taken the first step of admitting she needs help.

I only do 4 hours work a week tutoring English and look after my daughter during the week. It's really hard for me to get a job here with no university degree. All my other foreign friends are well off English teachers and I feel like less of a man having to rely so heavily on my wife. I feel so lost and despite living here for 3 years I still feel a little alienated in regards to my career path. I've spent time looking for work in the past but I found no interest. No one needs a storeman with really bad Chinese over here. I also feel I don't have what it takes to teach a class.

In the past I've blocked out my family back at home because I feel I miss them too much if I keep in regular contact. Since my daughter is getting older I've been calling more often and as the eldest in the family sometimes I feel so guilty about not being there for them when they have their own troubles as well as missing them terribly.

I am having trouble sleeping and I feel so worthless and low I just don't know what to do.

please help.

white knight · ‎04-09-2014

Hi DD, welcome to this forum. I'm sorry no one has replied but having read your predicament I suspect it is a tricky post to respond to.

And I dont have many answers. Apart from actually taking your wife to the doctors yourself. Being a male and virtually a full time dad isnt to be sneezed at. It';s a tough role.

Think about your Australian family more. Reversing the situation, it would be a sad feeling if you had a son living overseas that didnt contact them much. You are in a non conventional situation with two countries. That is surely going put you under pressure.

I'm sorry I havent got any other suggestions. Have faith in yourself. Try to comfort your wife and her struggles. Separate the incident that occured when you were younger to this current one. They are two different individuals.

Good luck. Keep faith in yourself alive.

Jacko777 · ‎04-09-2014

G'day Dingding,

I am glad you have posted here DD, there are lots of Aussies here that will have advice, support and love for you. And keep in mind you can use the Support line or the web chat if you need to talk to someone straight away.

When you needed help when you were younger, what worked for you, how did you drag yourself out of it? Can it work again now?

When I have been low in the past, a small thing that has helped me a lot is to practice some thankfulness. You are with the 'love of your life', you have a daughter, a family in Oz, you are living in a beautiful country, you get to partake in the miracle of being alive. Twice a day I would focus on these things and think about how lucky I am, how amazing it is. There is much thankfulness info on this site.

I can understand how your work situation could get you down. However I don't think you are trapped in a box DD, rather on a path that will reveal itself when you set off. Why don't you think you have what it takes to teach a class?

I share your experience of being separated from your loved ones. It has taken practice but now I choose to love them, not miss them. Feeling bad about them will deplete your energy, loving them will increase your energy. You need to be strong to help them with their troubles. Instead of thinking about them, email them, you will feel much better.

Hang in there mate, you will get lots of ideas on this site that will help you to feel better. Talk soon.

Dingding · ‎05-09-2014

Thank you for your kind messages. I'm not used to people I the internet being nice to me :).

What worked for me when I was younger was talking to a therapist, at the time she suggested I throw myself into what I love (soccer) I started coaching a kids team and while it wasn't easy I really learned a lot about myself and dealing with other people.

Your suggestion about focussing on the good things really does help. My daughter while exhausting really does make me happy, she is my little ray of sunshine.

i have been struggling with motivation and it' weeks that's something I have to get over to help me find my path.

I'm really thankful for your kind words, it takes a special person to send love to a random person on the internet. Thanks again.

Jacko777 · ‎05-09-2014

Thanks DD.

So are you able to see a therapist where you are? As you know it would help you to have a fresh plan. Or, can you get back into soccer coaching? Maybe you have some contacts at the school where you teach, even if it was voluntary, it would give you some fresh positive challenges...if you can fit it in.

How old is your daughter, if you don't mind me asking? I have a 7yo son, also exhausting! But we wouldn't have it any other way. Your time with your daughter is an opportunity for you to practice keeping the negative parts of life out of the positive times. And she is also a great subject for you to focus on in a thankfulness meditation. Our children are a great motivation for us on many levels.

Does you wife have anyone she can talk to where you are, like friends, family? If you just make an appointment for a therapist will she go? Hopefully she understands your level of concern.

Keep us posted.