Depressed and angry at my "inner child"

[Jo3]

I've been writing this morning in my book to my psych  about my "inner child".  I started writing about my childhood and writing myself as a third person.  I started writing that I hate my inner child for what I have gone through. How weak I was and still am and noboby cared about me as a child,

She was brought up in a very strict background where she wasn't allowed to go anywhere, have no friends or not even go to a friend's birthday party when invited.  She was never allowed sleep overs or even when she turned 18 she was never allowed to go out. She had to stay home and do what her mum would say.  And if she tried to say something back to her mum she would be yelled out. 

She had swimming lessons as a child and clearly remembers not being able to swim so what did the instructor do - push my head down the water. this would happen over and over again. Hence now I hate putting my head under water.

She wanted the love from her parents but she was not "smart enough" like the other siblings who would get all the attention.  She was punished a week before her wedding because her mum and dad had organised something that she wanted to do but was told not to go ahead with my plan. She was 20 yrs old

How lonely it was for her at school, only 1 close friend and not even allowed to go to her house. Everyone at school at groups of friends - I had none. She must have been an ugly child for no one to want to talk to her, no one to walk home with her.  She craved to be a good child at school and always "acted dumb" so then she could get the attention from her teachers. Maybe that's what she was wanting - attention and love from someone, just anyone.

And all she wanted was a hug, a kiss and a loving supporting parents; all she wanted was to feel loved.  Maybe she never got that bond of love because she was born 10 week prem and was left in hospital for weeks and weeks.

I'm sorry I needed to vent this I am so emotional today, my thoughts are everywhere some good and some not so good. Just want to be left alone. Lump in my throat, anxiety is high.

Why did I write this - I don't really know

Jo

[dougall]

Hi Jo3 you wrote it because you needed to.

[Snoman]

Hey Jo3,

Tell her, it was not her fault.  She did nothing wrong and there was nothing wrong with her.  She tried her best with no support.  She was a beautiful child that deserves to be held and loved.

Tell her, her pain was not for nothing; that she grows up into a beautiful woman who would one day help other people who struggle with pain.  Tell her that her story will help many people.  Tell her that she will be ok.

xxx

[Jo3]

Hi Snoman

As I was reading your reply the tears were flowing.  I struggle so much with this.  I want to write more but am scared of all my emotions coming out. I want to tell my inner child that i am sorry that she was sexually abused

I' m scared of where all this will go.

Thank you for your reply

Jo

[dougall]

Hi Jo3 we are all scared and this is the place to start to feel safe and write what you want to write.  You are not judged on here and everyone is supporting you through their thoughts, they may not be writing but they are taking notice and wishing you the strength and courage to get through this.

[Snoman]

Hey Jo,

I think your inner child really needs a chance to finally have her say.  She has so much pain to let go.  She needs to be heard because she hasn't been and that pain is still trapped inside her.

Tell her its ok for her to let it out because you are here for her.  You as an adult will be able to bear her pain for her.  You have support and friends that she didn't have.  

You have us, and she has you.

Pass on a huge, gentle, safe hug to her from us.  And a hug to you too, Jo.  You both need it, and we have plenty to give.

xxx Tony

[Neil_1]

Dear Jo

Don't be angry at your inner child (as your subject heading suggests).

As Snoman and Dougall have suggested, it's a wonderful thing what you're doing and writing to your inner child - and as Snoman said, your inner child did nothing wrong.  Your inner child was and IS not to blame for anything.

Jo - just take a moment to look around you now;  you're married to a wonderful man and STILL married - not a lot of people can say that.  You've got 3 wonderful children (or I should say, young adults) who all know right from wrong;  and that IS your own family.  That has been created largely by you.  The person you are now.

Yes, we know you've got so much internal scarring that makes everything so hard to deal with, but to me, that just makes all that you've achieved just so much more incredible.  To be battling with the demons you've got, but to still create and raise a wonderful family of your own - you should be very proud of what you've done.

And unfortunately part of that comes at the cost for what you experienced as a child growing up and no doubt vowing that you wouldn't make those mistakes with your own children.  Well guess what Jo - you sure didn't.

So keep writing to your inner child, but don't be angry with her - don't be angry with yourself - just write it and get it out on paper (or monitor);  but deep down Jo;  KNOW that you're doing a grand job with your own family and their lives.  That's huge Jo.  Well done my friend.

Neil

[dougall]

ditto

[Jo3]

Hi to everyone

Thank you so much for your replies. It really means a lot to me.  I think now I am ready to write to my inner child.  Tell her I do love her and everything else.  There is so much I want to tell her.  I know there will be tears but there will also be a smile because I know that I am a damn good mum, at least that's one thing that I can say I am good at.

I will let you know when I am ready to write on here about my inner child.

 You all make so much sense, I do need to hug my inner child, tell her how much I miss her and now I am happy for her to be grown up as an adult. How can I be angry with her when it wasn't her fault that she was abused.  I want to tell her so much.

Thanks again

Jo xxxx

[Jo3]

Dont know what's going on today, I am having lots of mixed emotions going from one extreme to the other. And the emotions are high.

I just don't understand myself anymore. One day I am fine and the next I am a blubbering mess.  I am tired, I don't want this anymore. Will it ever end? Or will my life end with this same emotions? I don't even know what I am writing.

Need to refocus again, but even that is hard today.  No motivation whatsoever to do anything. Sitting here, gee I am so angry with myself, I can't do anything at the moment that will help me.

I wanted to write a letter last night to my inner child but broke down just thinking about it. How pathetic is that? When am i going to be strong enough to deal with all of this, will i ever be strong?

need to get away from here, back later on, it's just too much at the moment, i need space, i need a break from everything, why is it that every 3-4 months i fall into a heap and want a break. one part of my head is telling me to have a melt down and the other half is telling me no I can do it. but can I?

jo