Depressed, alone, disconeccted.

Oxayotl · ‎22-08-2014

Hey everyone,

I don't really know where to start. I guess it all happened when my Father passed away when I was 19 due to a heart attack. I'm almost 33 now and the pain of depression has really taken it's toll. I just feel as if I have no where else to turn.

I'm the type of person that tries to be liked by everyone, hiding behind my mask of bitter sadness. I find it difficult to maintain relations and constantly wind up pushing people away, even though I continue to try to be a nice, generous and caring person. I just feel as if

no one really cares.

My mind is constantly flooded with thoughts of paranoid illusions, depressed feelings and sometimes, on the really bad days,

suicide. I don't think that I could ever go to that extreme, but the thoughts are there and it frightens me to no end.

I'm lost. I've remained at home living with my Mum as she has depression as well, though not to the extent that I've gotten too. She's a loving caring person that wants to keep her family close, but her only brother

tried to take his life last year. He has many bad problems himself, and so cannot dedicate himself to my Mum, which saddens her. I try to stay strong for her as I know she'll be destroyed to know the darkness that resides within me is pushing me to the end.

I just don' t know where to turn. The actual friends I have are all married, some have kids. I feel left behind and isolated. I work as a Baker so my shift hours constantly conflict with any social activities that my friends have on.

Hope someone can help shine some light into this dark corridor I've found myself in. I'm really struggling to hold it together.

Thanks.

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Neil_1 · ‎24-08-2014

Dear Oxayotl

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and posting your thread.

Wow, it sounds like you're really got a heap going on for you and as a result, that's a lot of juggling that you've got happening - and juggling with different sized shapes and heavy ones at that - makes it damn difficult.

The underlying issue I believe is the death of your Dad, which can have severe impacts and long lasting ones. Have you or do you have any professional support happening for you? ie: GP visits or anything beyond that - counselling of any form? To help you through and discuss issues that you have? I think this could be something very worthwhile investigating.

I can see being a Baker would make for very difficult scenarios re: outlets for social outings with friends. There must be some days you have off or potential rostered days off? Even then if it's a possible gym visit with a mate, a bike ride, game of golf, out for a run or something? Just thoughts.

With regard to your Mum, I'll ask the same question here for her. Has she sought out any GP assistance for herself?? I think this could be something that may be very beneficial for her as well.

Would love to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil

geoff · ‎25-08-2014

dear Oxayotl, it's sad to hear stories like what you have described.

Being a baker you live the sort of hours that I do, and I don't have a social life either, which does frustrate me as well, and people I know can't understand why I have to go to bed so early and why I hope out of bed so early as well, I've given up trying to explain why.

I would think that your mum would really know how you feel, but she is facing depression from all around her, you and her brother, which would it so different for her to pay more attention to either you or him.

I would do as Neil has said and see your doctor, for a couple of reasons, and these are that this terrible feeling of wanting to take the inevitable has to sorted out, because by the loss of your dad, how your mum feels, how your uncle is and what it's doing to the both of them, and then not being able to socalise with your friends, so it's a hell of a lot to try and cope with.

Can I just say that your friends who are getting married and having children means that their time being able to socialise will also be cut down.

You also haven't mentioned whether or not you have a girlfriend, so I think this is weighing on your mind if I am correct, and if so this could also be great problem in how you feel.

Hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

Oxayotl · ‎25-08-2014

Hello geoff and Neil1. Thanks so much for getting to me about this.

I've started making progress to see my GP. Started getting information on a Psychologist and making headway talking to people. I sat down with Mum and told her all about it. She understood and has been very supportive. I discussed it also with my best mate, my boss and my work colleagues. Everyone has been great.

I'm currently single, have been for some years now. Always struggled to get past that "friend zone" as I tend to try a little to hard. Possibly due to the issues in my original post.

I feel talking to people has already made me feel a lot better. My boss at work noticed today and commented. Still a ways to go yet. But I feel as if I've started on the right foot, first time in a long time.

I'm going to also try and push myself to get out a little more. Today I went for a walk after work down to the beach and that's where I called Beyondblue again and a few Psychologists. I've always left work, gone straight home and buried myself away. I feel better for it.

I'll keep you all posted. I appreciate all the help I've been getting already. Means a lot to me. Time now to put down the Black Dog for good.

Neil_1 · ‎26-08-2014

Hi Oxayotl

Thanx so much for coming back and giving us your most recent post.

It reeked of so much positivity - sorry, I know reek usually is associated with other not so savoury things, but I hope you get my gist. It's all GOOD. 🙂

Yes, getting out and about is a good thing - and mega kudos to you for doing it now, even as the weather out isn't so flash. Spring is just around the corner.

In fact, you've inspired me to share the word a bit more.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

ps: kill the dog. 🙂

Neil