Defeated by recurrence of depression

[Tiredandlost]

I've experienced a number of episodes of depression, which have in the past come good with changes in medication, but I feel at a loss about what to do this time. It's inescapable that my current relapse was the result of talking with my doctor about some difficult issues growing up and I really struggle with the fact that talking about something that happened so many years ago (I'm now in my late 30's) could have such a profound effect on my mood.

I'm not sure how to get through this current episode. A medication change doesn't seem right because after trialling about 4-5, my current medication has been working well up until now. I find it really difficult to talk to my doctor when I'm in the throes of depression anyway (I've never really quite worked out why) and the fact that my current relapse was caused by talking has reinforced that. My next doctor's appointment is just under two weeks away and I'm considering cancelling it, even though in the past my doctor has helped me through some very bleak times, because I only feel worse when I can't fully articulate how I'm feeling. At my last visit, my doctor suggested I go into hospital but I don't see that as an option. Work is the only place where I feel like I'm coping at the moment and I don't want to lose that. Also, I have been in hospital once before and I didn't find it too useful.

I feel really defeated by suffering another relapse, especially when I was trying so hard to do everything right. A big part of me just wants to give up because it feels impossible to defeat. I wonder if there would be relief from not trying so hard to fight against something that maybe is just an inherent part of me. I'm venting a little, but any thoughts or suggestions on what to do would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Tiredandlost~

I guess your name says it all, that's how you feel at the moment, and you are not alone, many, myself included, have felt that way when a larger wave of depression hits and past remedies don't seem to be working.

It took me a very long time to find effective meds, and if your current ones mostly work then maybe that is enough. I've found my condition is a bit like walking on frozen ice, with a pond underneath. Meds help strengthen the ice, but some weights are just too much.

So you crashed through and think it was talking over things that had happened in your past. Such things can be surprisingly powerful and now may not be the time for you to deal with them. It has taken me very many years to come to terms with some events.

Do you think having rather than cancelling your next appointment and continuing as you are it might be worth simply talking over your reaction with your doctor?

If talking face to face is not really successful you could try what I have done and write how I was down first - at my leisure, then share the paper in the appointment. For me that worked well. I had plenty of time to say things right and not leave anything out.

If this was the very first time you had to face a dark period returning it would be different, frightening, discouraging. As it is you have the memory of getting out of those places. You are the same person with the same strengths and will cope as often as is necessary.

Do you have to face all this by yourself, or do you have a partner, family or friend to care for and support you? I found it made a big difference.

You are not defeated, you would not be here if you were.

Croix