decades of Loneliness

[jlkr]

Hi, recently I have tried to reach out and try to find ways to mend my life, or what is left of it.

Now in early 50's I must do something or will die alone. I have cut myself off from society when I was in late 30's as I was still unmarried with few relationships. I have met females but lacked confidence, in fact I attracted women easily and had a number of female friends but was very shy and had no confidence. Looking back I was a pretty normal guy with friends and a great future in my work. Then this girl I was interested in but were only friends slept with my best mate. I was just getting over a similar thing happening to me. After that I broke down and cried and maybe had what I think is a nervous breakdown and fell on the floor, ive never been the same since.

That was the start of my life falling apart. I shut myself off from people and other things also made me feel very depressed. So I moved away from that place and moved to a new location. But the new place I had no friends or anyone I knew. I also lost all my money when I arrived, got robbed so had to start my new life from the bottom. I shut myself off from society, that was early 2000's. At the end of the decade I made money and traveled and I felt like I was living again. In fact I met a couple of women on my travels through Asia and had some relationships for the first time in decades It helped give me confidence back again and I felt like a human again but that is all in the past too now.

I returned from traveling after my money run out and my bushiness failed and now for 2 -3 years have been living alone again. I have no friends, no family. My mother passed away a few years ago who was my last family member. have no kids or anything. The only friends I have are a couple of junkies in Sydney as do not like talking to normal people as I pretty much hate society and normal life since my life is such a failure. I have not been able to hold a job, have no qualifications. I tried hard with work this year but was made to feel stupid been bossed around by kids at my work. Such horrible people.

The worse part of my life is now realizing in now in early 50's and now will live the rest of my life alone, with no children or family.

[Zeal]

Hi jlkr,

Welcome to the forum!

Your post saddened me. Feeling completely alone is rough, and no one deserves to feel this way. You are a good person who has been through tough situations, and withdrawn emotionally as a result. This unfortunately has made the situation worse for you. I withdrew emotionally from friends four years ago, and while I have some other friends now, I remember feeling really lonely.

It sounds as though you haven't fully dealt with the emotional turmoil caused by the actions of your previous best mate, of the robbery, and the mistreatment at work. Talking about painful past events is unpleasant, but doing so is essential. Making an appointment with a doctor (GP) for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist is important. Seeing one of these mental health professionals isn't just for addressing specific mental health diagnoses. People with past traumas to deal with or interpersonal concerns see counsellors.

Do you have neighbours that you know by name? Once you start making small steps of progress with a mental health professional, chatting to a neighbour is a good start. There are kind people everywhere who are happy to have a friendly conversation. Right now it may feel as if society is harsh and unfriendly, but this won't always be the case. Seeking professional help isn't necessarily a 'cure', but learning coping strategies and being able to express anxieties and fears allows people to manage their negative emotions. This way, life can become more enjoyable. Setbacks happen, but learning to deal with these is doable.

I am really sorry that you don't have any family members. Are there any old family friends you could call or visit in the future? Joining a local community support group is a good option. While the friends you have in Sydney are, as you say, 'junkies', they are still friends of yours 🙂

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_1055]

Hey jlkr

My heart goes out to you, as you appear so very lonely. Is there any groups you could join. Perhaps the "men's shed" we have a few of those were I live. Have you heard of them? They also have a website. Or maybe a church or some other group where you have the opportunity to give to others. Sometimes the giving part, can help with the lonely "feeling". Well that is what I have been learning anyway.

There are loads of people you could connect to here, even to just have a chat. Have you come across the BB cafe, that thread is more sort of light hearted.The folks are quite caring. And it is okay if you are shy or not confident too. That's cool....

I am so sorry that you mum passed away. And yeah even though my circumstances are quite different to yours, I do know what it is like to feel like a failure. It is not a nice emotion to feel. If you have depression though it can amplify such emotions. As you are perceiving life through a pair of somewhat not clear and truthful glasses.

Have you got any pets? I know they are not the same as a wife or children. However you can still give out some affection to them. And they will love you in return. I am not able to have pets at the moment, but I would like a cat.

I am sorry the younger ones at your work treated you that way.

Please don't lose hope you are not that old and you are alive.

Well I have ran out of words...but I care and I hear you!

In Kindness

Shell

[jlkr]

Hi, thanks for the feedback. I only live in my apartment so can not have a pet here otherwise I would.

When I posted my thread I was limited to how much I was allowed to write, Here is the rest of my post:

I went to a doctor recently to get help, he diagnosed me with major depression and refereed me to a physiologist. But I was not able to afford to see the specialist as had a mortgage payment that week as that is another major problem (no money) and he refereed me to a homeless peoples club as he must of thought I was poor and homeless or something. So I never bothered to see him.

I have so many bills stacking up and no money so this makes me very depressed, at least of I have money I can travel and feel like I'm alive again.

I now see a finance councilor who is helping with my financial issues. But my house is a mess, I have not cleaned it for weeks, everything is all over the floor as I have really become depressed for the first time in my life this bad..

Last week i just slept all day and night and started to do the same this week although I feel a little more positive but i still just go to my bed as i don't have any motivation for life anymore..

The worse part is not having a soul to talk to now for 3 years. It is very depressing at this time of year to see all men my age with their families but i have nothing. not even a friend.

I tried to go to a church a few months ago but I was just told by the pastor if I want to go there I must not drink or smoke. So I never went back as he did not understand I had worked very hard for months leading up to get the courage to go to the church giving up all those things so been told that was really annoying.

I can't be with people as I had so many horrible people in my past. This is why I started to sleep as I have nothing much to live for anymore and all I think about is all my bad memories even from 30 years+ ago...But i would never think of suicide as 2 of my family members already went that way and I would never do anything like that. But I do have nothing left to live for anymore as now I'm at an age where I should have a family and it's hard to be motivated when you have nothing to be motivated for.

[jlkr]

also, yes I visit my junkie friends in Sydney about once a month to keep me sane even though they have mental issues and I can't really communicate with them like I would with most people. But I can at least talk to someone.

I have never liked to open up about any problems and that is why it has took this long for me to do anything about it as I don't like to tell people I have problems. I would never want to revel my issues to other people in real life, it was hard enough to tell my doctor who I just met some of my problems and I only touched on some things. I never went into details about all my problems but even they little I told him was enough for him to be shocked and refereed me to a physiologist. I have never opened up to anyone or ever told anyone any problems, even to my mother when she was alive. I have always tried to cope on my own.

thanks, I will try to respond more but the delay in my posts appearing makes it difficult here.

[jlkr]

anyway I should say my life was a tragedy before it begun when many family problems. Now I have no family anyway.

[Zeal]

Hi again jlkr,

Thanks for explaining your situation further. I feel deeply saddened that you have been suffering without support for so long. Psychologist fees unfortunately mean that this service is not as accessible for some. Even with a mental healthcare plan, not everyone can afford the regular sessions they need. Seeing a finance counsellor is a great idea - you are being proactive about getting on top of your finances.

Being in your early fifties is almost considered middle-aged these days. It is still possible for you to meet someone that you can form a partnership with. They may have family you can form bonds with. This is still achievable for the future. Not everyone has stable partnerships, unfortunately, and divorce is more common than it once was. The silver lining of this is that there are people your age who are no longer in their relationship and who want to find another partner. While I am not suggesting that this makes finding a partner 'easier', it means that being single at your age is not uncommon.

I am pleased that you've been able to open up to us here on the forum, and that you were able to start telling a doctor some private details. I'm surprised the doctor suggested a homeless person's club. He must have misunderstood your situation. It sounds as though multiple people have mistreated you in the past and made you wary of trusting others. It's horrible when people abuse the trust of others.

I wish I had more concrete advice for you.

I recommend exploring the information on the Beyondblue site. I also recommend looking through relevant links on this site: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_1055]

I too feel saddened as it is hard to know that there is someone out there, that's you, that is struggling so very much. And who is lonely. It truly breaks my heart and I wish I could just give you a friendly and comforting hug. Will you except a virtual one?

And yeah it can be a challenge to clean up your house hey? As sometimes when we are so down... well one couldn't care less or have any motivation to actually carry the task out. As for staying in bed and just hiding away well...it can feel like a nice, cosy and safe place. Sometimes one can only manage just baby steps here. ie wash dishes on one day. Change the bed sheets on another. Or just pick up one thing from the floor even.

Is there anything you enjoy or use to enjoy doing besides travel? Do you do exercise, as hard as it is to actually get motivated to do it sometimes, I have found it does help me. I also try to notice as much nature and beauty around me. I don't know maybe it would help you too,if you don't already to it that is.

From what I have read a lot of people on here see a psychologist using a health care plan. They receive like a certain amount of visits and I am pretty sure that don't pay anything. Maybe this is a way you could go.

Yes it does feel vulnerable in a way to open up to people. But you have done so a bit here. For some people including myself find it easier to write what we are feeling, what has happened in the past etc. You could even take this to the psychologist And they can simply read it, if you have challenges to actually verbally speaking it out or opening up.

And where have you traveled to besides Asia? I wonder if you could go on like a working holiday? It sounds like a bit of an adventure. There is even places that hire people to teach them English. My Aunty in law does that in Germany.

I am unsure where you live but their is places here that you can volunteer at. I have even seen a volunteer job where you wrap up Christmas presents. Some of the people may not be so horrible.

Anyway know that there is people that really care about you hey! Yeah I am a stranger but I do care. I only wish I could do more, even come and clean your apartment. But I am actually scared of meeting people face to face. But in my heart I would help you.

Shell