Death is scary, but also comforting

[ashi]

Just to be clear here, I'm not suicidal, I may have thought about it, but it's not something I want to do at all. 

I have been a bit more emotional than usual more a few months; I used to just have times where I would sit down, think about everything, and be sad, but I never really cried. Now I cry at least twice per week, my record was 7 days per week, how awesome.

Okay, I cry, I cried and then just told myself it'll be okay, well, that's just really lying to myself but who knows? But occasionally, I just immediately smile after crying, and I myself am surprised when I feel the corners of my lips turn up and grin. 

When I think back on it, I realized every one of those times I was thinking about death. I don't want to die, I don't want to feel like my time is ticking down and I don't have enough time to reach my goals or even make one. But death is peace of mind, you don't have to worry about anything, it's a fresh new start and an eternal ending, whatever I do in this life, it doesn't matter, because I'd die eventually one way or another. I only live once, I should enjoy everything I can.

I laugh at that thought, I'm already practically dead, inside at least, I'm a rotting bird, I've got wings, but they're just disappearing like the rest of me. I'm an empty shell walking around, I used to be something, winning certificates and medals, helping others, being kind, contributing to something I thought would be home to me and everyone I love; I can't help but wonder to myself, if death exists, what's the point? I give and take, but I wouldn't see the end result of what I've helped build.

People always say "Nobody ever truly dies" because apparently memories of them still exist, but what happens after those people die? And even if the memories still exist, the person is dead, gone, they wouldn't care or even know what the rest of the world will look like, they have no tomorrow, yesterday, or a present.

I would prefer to be dead, I wouldn't like to die, but I'd like to be dead, I suppose.

But back to the crying bit (I get off topic so many times, oops), so I smile when I think about death, well isn't that just depressing? If I like the sound of death, why aren't I dead already?

... Because I'm human, it's only natural for me to go on hoping, hoping that everything will be okay, hoping that I'll have a future which I can enjoy, that some miracle magic will happen, solve my problems, and let me be happy; I hate hoping.

I want to see a tomorrow come, I want to see my new friends laugh, I want to talk silly with my old friends, I want to see a possible future, just a tiny opening to a wonderland. Even so, tomorrows are scary, I have school, I have to go work, I have to wake up, I have to suffer the nagging of everyone, I have to see this horrible society grow bigger (horrible is an overstatement, but when you feel like a lost cause, it's not that far off).

All of those little negative things ruin my want for a tomorrow, but I'll just keep hoping. Work my way through this maze and then realized what I just went through could have been solved simply by letting myself go.

I think I forgot the rest of what I was about to type but all well. Bye and thank you for reading this paragraph of uh, sadness? I don't know. But have a nice day and take care people!

"To paradise and our dreams! Even if we don't see them come true."

-some random thought of mine

[therising]

Hi ashi

I appreciate your incredibly honest and thoughtful post. Sometimes it's not easy to put our thoughts and feelings into words, especially our incredibly deep thoughts and feelings.

I've found life to have somewhat of a 'phoenix' element to it at times, especially when it comes to deeply depressing periods. Such a time or such times can have a bit of a 'rotting' or dying bird feel. It's not until false beliefs (about our self and life) kinda go up in flames that there's the realisation 'That was not truly me, this is who I naturally am'. A new sense of self is born from the ashes of who we were or who we thought we were.

I suppose another way of looking at this is...so many elements of us are integrated, when it comes to who we become. When certain negative, false or depressing elements are disintegrated, we can then be free to come to life in more colourful, powerful and brilliant ways like that phoenix. There are ways of speeding up the disintegration process. Some people will find a psychologist to help them see how their beliefs, perception etc became integrated into their sense of self. Others may go for a more soulful kind of exploration. Everyone's different and it's about finding what works. From that soulful perspective, the disintegration factor can be considered as being a part of 'The dark night of the soul'. Not sure whether you've heard of that.

I've found the disintegration process can be incredibly painful at times and it typically comes with a heck of a lot of questions, especially the deeper and more challenging questions in life. Finding people who can help us wonder about and answer such questions can make such an enormous difference. Feeling left alone to wonder can feel like a form of torture at times.