Darkest hole in my life

[Hxtycyty]

Hi all, I'm in a terrible way...I am 51, have no job, partner, friends, money, anhedonia, peyrones disease, bipolar, extreme loneliness & copd. I want to feel the connections with others again but don't know where to start. I haven't worked for 6 years due to mental health reasons however I feel guilty & think it's out of laziness. I busted My partner of 7 years having threesoms with 2 people I used to be friends with. I used to see her everyday & was totally invested in her that now, I have zero social life & with the peyrones disease I can't really meet any women!! I've been used to a life of great success but ever since divorcing my narcissistic ex wife in 2013 my life has just spiralled downwards at a great pace. Oh, peyrones disease is a build up of scar tissue in your penis that creates a bend when erect making intercourse impossible. It also shrinks your overall size. It's one of the most soul crushing things for anyone to go through. I am hopefully having an operation early next year but the surgery is 34k without p/health (which I now have and am on the 12 month waiting list) but even then, after the operation, I won't just have chicks knocking on my front door for dates so I'm scared I'll go through all the pain of recovery and $ spent on p/ health for nothing as I've got no friends to go our with!! (And don't like going out alone). I just sit at home, sleep all day sometimes as that's the only time my brain switches of for being such a loser. I dont watch TV, don't have the radio on, I just go on my pc like YouTube etc and mind numb myself even more. Idk if I should try and myb start working again however it's so soul draining on you as a person and tbh, im on the disability pension now yet I seem to be just as broke as I was when I was working so I find it a pointless goal to chase. I have various substance use disorders now also as a result of my messed up life & it's harder to interact with people re driving to places etc. I just DONT know what I should do & in what order!?! 

Pls any advice would be gold, Thankyou so much.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hxtycyty, 
 
Thank you for having the bravery to share what has been happening for you. We wanted to reach out to provide some extra support but we are grateful that you could share with our community.   It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, we understand how chronic health issues can often negatively effect our mental health. It can be hard to put yourself out there when we haven't interacted in a while, but it can also be a new, exciting oppotunity to find new activities we might like and find a new tribe. Sometimes it involves starting small like going for a walk around the block, signing up for a class at the local community centre or looking into volunteering, we know you struggle with some health challenges so even an online activity could be an option.

We know you've had some difficult moments in the past and we want you to know that you are not alone. For those difficult moments the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you and would welcome your call or online chat, any time it would help you to speak to someone.  
 
We’re sure you’ll hear from our community soon, but in the meantime our website has some options for extra support and resources that may be of some assistance: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-mental-health-helplines-and-support-groups

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. You never know who might read this thread and feel less alone in their own experience. Please be kind to yourself and remember that you have overcome a lot to get to this point.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Jessksch]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, the pain of depression I can only relate to, and that is already so much!

Look, as a woman who was never really considered the most attractive my parents used to force me to say "you need to loose weight to get a boyfriend" "Be blonde and tan or a guy will never stay with you!"...it's these and the media today that makes us think we need to aim for a partner in life or "die alone".

For a long time I was desperate, trying to get a boyfriend and a partner but this desperation was what drove people away.

What changed things was me trying hard to move away from my parents's advice (my dad cheated on my mum anyways, so great advice from them right?) and maybe just be happy with being alone? "Oh but then you will be a spinster who will die and nobody will find your body, your 40 cats with be eating you"...pssht!

This is all stuff the media is trying to put pressure on us for us to be desperate to buy their products!

I decided years ago to just do what makes ME happy; going out to the cinema, training myself to not be self conscious, being fine with being embarrassed! I thought, I am going to have 40 cats, they can eat my face, at least they provided me with the love I wanted!

I went out clubbing on my own on new years, wore a funny dress and was talking to people, just chatting, if they made weird faces, that's fine, just move on to the next person.

I was talking to random people, and then I met my fiance, we have been together for over 10 years now and still strong, I love them with all my heart, but I never put them on a pedestal over my own feelings.

So my advice, it is very hard at first, but if you have no friends, you need to be your best friend and go out and have fun with yourself. Your best friend is honest with you even if you don't always like what they have to say, but you know deep down if they are right.

Go to easy places first, maybe once a week go to your favourite restaurant, book it and spoil yourself: dress up like you are taking yourself on the best date possible, get the best thing on the menu and put on a great movie on your phone  and eat with headphones on. Nobody, and I mean nobody who is confident in themselves will say anything.

And god get off of the media, do a project: start a new hobby like model painting, learn a new language, do things to make yourself proud of you! Be proud and your own best friend that fires you up for every little step you take to being happier with yourself!

I hope I did help somehow; Take care of yourself like your own best friend; but remember, even your best friend can't be an enabler; they would want you to get out there and take steps to improve yourself even if you don't want to and hate it, you know it's good for you.

[quirkywords]

Hxt

sophie and Jesse have given you helpful advice.
I know when you feel depressed and  are struggling  the idea things may improve y following advice of others can be hard I hope there is something in Sophie’s or Jesse post that will help you even in a small way.