Dark day

[Kathleen21]

I'm in a really dark place today . A friend of mine asked me how I felt the other day my reply was I feel like I'm in a strange dark room and I can't find the light switch or the door to get out . My husband said last night I hope you have a good day tomorrow my reply was I won't ever day is the same , he said nothing because there was nothing he could say so like usual no sex tonight for him. I wait for him to come home that's all I do and he always comes home after work I don't know why he stays with me I am a shocking wife. He tells me to put the TV on or the radio but if I do I still don't here it . I'm just so numb . I made a cake for him the other day and burnt my arm didn't feel it . I really had to push myself to make the cake took me so long as I kept forgetting what the recipe was and to keep checking it was such a easy thing to do but to me it was a nightmare. I just can't wait till 3pm every day so I can have a bottle of wine at least the wine helps. And I know to moor will be the same .

[AGrace]

Hi Kathleen,

Sorry to hear you've had a tough day. It's terrible when the illness gets the better of you and you feel like there's no way past it.

You know if you stand in a dark room long enough, your eyes actually adjust to the low light, and you tend to be able to find your way out without switching on a light.

I'm not sure if I chatted with you in other threads, are you seeing a Dr/Psychologist for help with the depression? It sounds like you have a lot of frustration, and that you've started taking this out on your husband. The fact that he's still with you means that he loves you. He knows you're unwell, and he's possibly thinking what on earth can he do to help.

Have you had a look at the thread finding joy when times are dark? There's some pretty good little tips on just getting through a lousy day.

Are you working at the moment? How do you fill each day? Is there one small thing you could do tomorrow that might bring a smile to your face?

When the depression grabs you, you have to fight harder. Are their friends that you rely on for support?

I'm a little concerned about the 3pm wine. Do you do this every day? In my experience the more you try to numb the pain, the stronger it comes back when the alcohol wears off.

I know I've asked a few questions, I hope you'll get back to us.

AGrace

[Kathleen21]

Hi agrace

You asked a lot of questions and that's fine. In answer to them no I don't see a psychologist I have in the past and it's a waste of time.they give you things to do trouble is when you are bad you are unable to do them. You asked about the wine I would say that it is an accurance most days and usually a bottle or two. I don't feel worse afterwards it helps. Also I am not taking things out on my husband he is always there for me a much better person than myself.

I spoke to my friends on the weekend and they said that it is like I am able to function and party when needed but when the party is over I am back in a dark place again they are probably right as the song goes I am the great pretender.

I spoke to my doctor earlier this week and gave her back my quit smoking medication and told her that I had tried to

harm myself and that I would never take any of that medication that messes with your brain again. She said nothing . I had spoken to her previously about being more depressed on this medication and she told me that I would get use to it. 

I am trying to notice at least one thing a day which I find beautiful even if it's a tree.

also I went to another doctor about my back pain and he sent me for a ct scan and now has sent me to a Nero surgeon at least now I know it's not in my head. The pain is unbelievable which I believe is contributing to

my depression , at least he is trying to get that under control. I am not comfortable talking to him yet about my depression yet. I feel if I do he will think I'm a nutcase and not take me seriously.

So it's one day at a time.

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[Kathleen21]

Can't understand how you can say look at fact sheet 9 I have smoked for the last 40 yrs so I will admit that I smoke more in depressed times but how do you quit when your down . I also have a problem with the remarks about alcohol . I know that both  the smoking and alcohol use is not good but for gods sake if  I smoked when times were good what do you think I would do when I am depressed. Also the same with alcohol I agree with the fact sheet but again I drink more now ,but I will never take a tablet to stop my alcohol use because taking a tablet to stop smoking made me feel very distressed. I also am aware that my anti depressants don't work so well with alcohol .Sometimes you just need to do what you can just to get by. I no that you will look at this before you post it ,that is why I am writing this I want you to see it I don't want it posted. You can reply with all the facts but at the end of the day I know in my mind these fact sheets are right but I also know that men have landed on the moon but I don't know how to do it and it would be impossible for me to . Please don't answer with [ you must be angry] because I'm not but a little common sense would not go astray . You are councelours my be you have become one because of depression or not it really doesn't matter ,at the end of the day I do what I need to get through the day that all I can do 

[Kathleen21]

To the councelours please don't post this . My last reply may have looked like I don't think much of you or psychologist  but I think you do a amazing job you can listen to a problem and see a different way of thinking about a situation . The problem  I find is I can take in what you say but acting on it is a different thing I have tried but been unable to accomplish what I have been told . Please tell me what to do about that?

[geoff]

dear Kathleen, I tried to reply to you this morning but it always came back with 'system error', which is no fault of yours, so I had to go back and get all my anti viruses to clean my pc, but it still didn't fix it, so there must have a problem with the site.

I can't and won't condemn you for drinking while your in a state as your are in, because I was no different, I had to drink quite heavily while depression ruled my life, sure everyone called me an alcoholic, but I didn't give a damn, and my wife (ex) would never offer any sex to me, so for the last few years nothing happened, she had cut me off, not that I really cared, because alcohol was my friend.

I too couldn't take in any advice from my psychologist, doctor or family as to what was the best for me, it never registered, although I pretended to listen and then pretend to understand, but it made no difference, because what they had to say were words, words which couldn't help me, but the alcohol did.

I had seen psychologists before and they said that they wouldn't counsel me while I was drinking, which I could never understand, because shouldn't their job be to help me in all ways which would maybe help to stop because they would help me with my depression, so their logic didn't fit into what my own thoughts were.

You can't and don't follow their plans, do plan A first, then plan B and then plan C would be easier if you do as I tell you, depression doesn't work this way, nor does overcoming it as well.

I can totally relate to what you have to say, because it's no different to how I felt. L Geoff. x

[Kathleen21]

Thanks for replying 

[AGrace]

Hi Geoff,

From my knowledge, I don't believe you are drinking (as heavily / at all) anymore. Although I have had other addictions, I haven't ever resorted to alcohol, so I guess I'm not familiar with the grip that it can have on you. 

Are you able to share some of the methods you tried to help reduce the alcohol intake / become sober? 

I know a lot of people who have gone through rehab and found this helpful, but are there any at home, or personal tips that you think would be useful?

Thank you xx

Amber

[AGrace]

Hi Kathleen,

I'm aware that your last 2 posts were directed at the BB team, and no doubt they will have some further information for you.

I completely understand what you mean by knowing something at an intellectual level, but not necessarily being able to put it into practice in your day to day living. Dealing with an addiction is so challenging, however not impossible. Of course, it's only natural that you would be more heavily dependent on substance use when you feel really low in mood. 

I'm a smoker, I quit for 2 years using medication in the first instance. You're right it can have some very unhelpful side effects. I think a few things helped me quit.

1. Analysing my Habit

Writing down: Why I needed the substance? What was it replacing? What was it concealing? How did it make me feel? Why wasn't I able to achieve this feeling without the use of the substance? What are my barriers to giving up this substance? 

2. Looking at the allies of the Habit

Writing down: What am I doing when I need the substance? What other habits are encouraging use of the substance? What are my triggers for needing the substance? Can I eliminate these things from my daily routine? How will I do that, what will be the first step?

3. Setting a Date to Quit

Write down a date when you think you would like to stop using the substance. Don't make it for 3 weeks time, because you will have to start with reduction rather than going straight to elimination. My date was my ex boyfriend's birthday, the day had meaning to me, but I wanted desperately to change the meaning to a more positive one. It was 9 months from the day I decided the date. That gave me 9 months to set some smaller goals.

4. Goal Setting

Set achievable goals for between now and your quit date. For me it was things like, I wont use the substance after 8pm. I won't use the substance on Mondays. I won't use the substance on the weekend. I will only use the substance in a social environment. I will only use the substance on a Friday. Every time I achieved a goal I rewarded myself. Every time I didn't achieve my goal I rescheduled it for the following week.

5. Get someone on board who knows your plan to quit

6. Don't quit more than one substance at a time.

I hope this doesn't read like the fact sheet you were referring to. In all honesty this is exactly what I did, and no one told me how. I also didn't like using the Quit Support Services, they just irritated me with numerous texts. You have to be ready!

AG

[geoff]

dear Amber, firstly how is your hospital stay going at the moment.

I only drink socially now and I am not a heavy drinker, those have gone for me and even when I have a relapse I don't resort back to alcohol.

One main reason is that when I drank heavily I would have a seizure and end up in hospital for a couple of days and after having a 'grand mal' fit is no fun, but when this happened my medication was not right.

Another reason is that I get sick of drinking, not physically by throwing up but sick of the taste, so after a couple of hours I stop.

When people drink and let's say it's beer, then by drinking a 6 pack is better than a slab, because the buzz you get after drinking a 6 pack of beer won't be any different if you drink a slab, which would just make you drunk, but if depression rules your life then that's what you want, which is what I did when this illness controlled me.

People in rehab may pretend to agree that alcohol is a sin, but as soon as they come out then it's straight back into drinking and the same applies to after a prison stay.

Another reason is that I have responsibilities during the day which requires me in having to drive, and this is a main reason, whereas in depression none of this matters at all, because we can't accept what we have to do, is this is only because depression rules our life.

It's amazing how our life can change not only after many years of getting older, but also once you can control your own depression and keep a lid on it.

Take care. L Geoff. x