Crying, a gauge to our mental strength?

[white knight]

Reaching 60yo l can reflect on my early life and it is clear that my thousands of buckets l could have filled with my tears is in contrast to the period of post 2009. Why?.

Diagnosed in 2009 with bipolar 2,depression, dysthymia and dwindling anxiety meant the correct medication was prescribed. From then on it was more a case of fine tuning dosages.

Last week l had the trauma of my youngest daughter leaving my life. She's 24yo and l have been tormented by this development BUT, I havent shead a tear. I feel it is a reflection of my newfound mental strength. Yes she has come and gone in my life but that fact doesnt mean it comes easy to cope with.

What else could it be?. After much analysis l think acceptance of what life really is has helped.

Life is not what we plan it to be nor wished. As kids we drew rainbows but not rocks. Life will throw stones, rocks, even boulders- without warning. Is our lack of being able to cope due to us expecting a smooth road in life? Or do we know life has hurdles but when they arrive its so devastating we have no learned skills to cope with them?

At school we had no lessons in "coping with trauma" or "breaking up with your partner, how to do it with compassion and care" or "depression signs" etc.. even financial planning isnt taught. All these life challenges are learned the hard way.

Some people can approach such challenges easier than others. So if you are sensitive, had a cruel upbringing, family history of mental illness and so on, you might let your tears become streams. Is it an indicator of your mental strength-lack of it?

I suggest it could be. There is no worse feeling imo. That feeling of devastation, worthlessness, failure and mental collapse- crying. However I've known some people equally the same but not crying, with filming over their eyes as if deeply sad without tears so I'm not saying it is the case every time.

If you have had a period of lots of crying, to work closely with your professional mental health expert with medication and therapy. Hopefully you'll improve and your stream of tears will dry up. Mine did so there is hope that your mental strength will return or develop even late in life.

Accepting life has boulders will prepare yourself for them. Sh*t happens and its out if your control but you can develop strategies to cope better and a mentality that will look at life for what it is and always had been, unpredicable, hurtful but can be wonderful, incredible and more stable

Tony WK

[Boo1986]

Great post Tony WK, very interesting perspective.

I'm 30 years old and have had times where I cried until my body was dehydrated and then just sobbed helplessly for hours more. As a child my father treated crying as a weakness and hurt me deeply when he would accuse me of crying for attention. I went through many years of only crying in private as I didn't want people to judge me, to think I was weak or crying to get their attention. As I have grown older I have dealt with situations far more difficult than during my childhood and often couldn't hold the tears in for long enough to get to be in private when they came.

For me, I think crying is a physiological response which my body actions when my mind can't think of a legitimate solution. If there is a problem that I can fix, I will fix it and not cry about it. If there is a problem I can't fix, I will be either angry or sad, both of which will cause me to respond with tears.

I think that mentally I am not very strong, and as someone who cries a lot I think this is evidence that your theory could be correct. I often feel overwhelmed and struggle with things others may be able to handle with ease.

I find that the more support I get from my psychologist & family & friends although I do still cry quite a bit, it is nothing like the streams of tears which used to last for days when I was younger. As we grow I guess our perspective changes and I have more memories of similar experiences which I have faced and conquered, so I feel more able to cope with the same again. With my medication now balanced, I have not had a long term bout of depression for a few years now which is wonderful. I don't ever want to regress back to that stage and am so proud of how far I have come in the last few years.

I think it is a really valid point you make that schools do not teach some really vital skills. As a qualified teacher I plan to implement your suggestions when I get back into teaching someday, and have always helped my students wherever I could in the past. There is so much more to life than maths...

Thanks for the topic. I think your mind is intriguing and I like to hear your opinions.

xo boo

[white knight]

Hi Boo

Fascinating. Quoting you "I don't ever want to regress back to that stage and am so proud of how far I have come in the last few years"

Yes, you've been there done that and you've found a better alternative...

" With my medication now balanced, I have not had a long term bout of depression for a few years now which is wonderful"

Great. You've done well.

My daughter is a teacher at a high school. She doesnt listen to me as much as you do Boo. Lol.

Thanks for your story about crying.

Anyone else please post. These stories help others.

Tony WK

[Guest_1055]

Hi Tony, Boo and anyone else reading.

Crying.......I am not sure if I am mentally strong or not. How does one tell?

Anyway I cry a lot, but it seems to come from emotions. Everything I feel shows on my face. I will cry when I feel sad or happy. I would be the one who cries at weddings, in the movies, the birth of a new baby, at funerals, listening to some sad or inspirational songs and also crying along with someone else who is sad and crying. My crying is mostly silent. ie the tears will just fall.

My grandmother fell down once, and was asking for me. Someone else already gave first aid. Anyway I went to her, I didn't say a great deal, but I had tears in my eyes because she was hurt. I had never seen her cry before or show any emotions. But somehow my tears helped her, as she then had tears in her eyes too. Perhaps she felt not so alone and cared about. And I do believe there is a time to weep.

Many sad tears falling from eyes can be exhausting. But somehow it helps me feel better. Like it releases all the hurt emotions from within. Some people play instruments or sing to get there emotions out. Some may write poetry, stories, paint etc. Me well I often cry....

I think some people are more emotional then others ie they cry more in general, and they experience life a lot looking through emotional eyes rather than logic. The emotional sometimes bypasses the thinking/ mental side. That's me a lot of the time, feel first, then think later. Maybe it is a personality thing as well or something. Don't forget hormones racing around can make you teary as well. Even lack of sleep.

Thanks Tony...

Shell xx

[white knight]

Hi shell

Great honest reply and so appreciated

Quoting you "I think some people are more emotional then others ie they cry more in general, and they experience life a lot looking through emotional eyes rather than logic"

Yes, yes, yes. That was me. I was just how you are. I must say though, in that daily state l wasnt as happy as l am now. If l cried about my daughter leaving my life I'd end up with headaches and try all sorts of ways to get her back like writing letters but in reality she'd take that as harassment.

In my new found less emotional more calculating mentality l accept things better.

Your example of your grandmother falling. If that was me I'd still be emotional but unlikely shead tears if that makes sense.

You are a caring soul Shell.

Tony WK

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi, The scientist is me found this an intriguing topic. I used to cry a lot. But now I am all cried out. I've gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.....for over 1/2 my life I would cry at the drop of a hat and now I feel like I have a heart of stone. It is now a rare thing if I cry. It is always in private, but I feel so much better afterwards. So I wish I could cry more, but it just won't happen. I can only put it down to life's experiences. I suffered many losses from an early age (no living relatives other than my son), and now have worked in very emotional jobs and maybe it is my brains defence strategy to not cry now. Or have I just experienced & seen too much?

One very interesting phenomena I've noticed is the power of the media....Tv or movies specifically. I deal with very sad situations a lot of the time at work. I often wish I could 'well up' in order to show my empathy (it is there) or just so I don't seem like a hard b****. But it won't happen. But if I watch a tv show with the same situation, I can be in tears after being invested in a story for only a few minutes. It was not only me, but colleagues who also had this experience regularly. The psychological implications are fascinating.

The medical geek in me led me to look at 'crying' on Wiki. There were lots of facts and hypotheses I found interesting. Perhaps some of you may too, so I'll briefly summarise some of it on the next post. Don't know if it will be relevant to anyone, but I did learn a few things.

Food for thought about our emotions.

Lee!

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

CRYING

There are 3 types of tears : Basal; lubricate the eye. Reflexive; response to irritants. Psychic; expelled in an emotional state.

There is a known neuronal connection between the tear gland & the 'emotion' brain areas.

Emotional tears have a different chemical composition. They have more hormones, including stress hormones, + potassium & manganese.

The 'average' woman cries 30-64 times a year for about 6mins. Males 6-17 times for 2-4min There is no difference between genders before adolescence!

In very early times, tears were seen as the purging of excess humurs from the brain.

About function: as a reaction to pain, to elicit altruistic behaviour from others, is a mechanism to eliminate excess stress hormone when levels are too high (so feel better after cos stress levels are lower). Blurred vision from crying can handicap aggressive/defensive actions & may function as a signal of appeasement, need or attachment. Crying shows vulnerability & submission to an attack, solicits sympathy & aid and signals a shared emotional attachment.

Sad crying is reaching out to be THERE; to the past with regret or the future with dread.

Joyful crying is acknowledging being HERE; as a response to a moment as if it is eternal.

In religion: In Buddhist monks it is considered an exaggerated, unskillful & selfish emotion

In Muslims it is a sign or expression of true love, especially to a martyred leader.

In Christians it is a sign of genuine repentance & is usually desirable.

In animals: Charles Darwin studied this in a book "The expressions of the emotions in man and animals". He found at London Zoo, the Indian Elephants shed tears in sorrow.

So now I've BORED you to tears???

There's many comments I could make about some of these facts. Just made me think about a lot of different things. Must be missing study, perhaps it's time to put some energy into a course or something. Psych sounds interesting to me know....it'd be great to know how the brain ticks or even just to be able to hear the alarm bells!

Thanks for post, Tony ....and then I started thinking about what has been mentioned about education, (NO, not googling) but can't agree more. Please go back to teaching Boo, the kids need you!

[white knight]

Jugglin' Strugglin'

Thankyou, that was educational.

Tony WK

[Boo1986]

Thanks so much Lee, I'll do my best. I really needed that today, very much appreciated xo

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Thanks Tony WK & Boo

i was worried that I took the post off-topic: a gauge to our mental strength. But the facts posed a few interesting thought patterns for me. I found it thought provoking how crying has been perceived differently to various groups & people throughout the ages.

I think I am mentally stronger now, and find it difficult to cry. I wish I was more like the young me, and able to 'get it out of my system' cos it must be healthier.

20+yrs ago, it was seen as a weakness for men to cry, but it seems the tide turned when Bob Hawke cried, then it was almost encouraged.

Now crying seems to be seen as healthy, attuned to self, empathetic, not to be ashamed of.

It is amazing that our brains can decipher all of nuances of emotion that accompany somebody else crying, there are so many different types of cries.

Lee!