Constantly feel like a character

[Alel]

Whenever smth would happen in my life, I would catch myself acting like I'm in a story. I feel like I'm constantly acting. I don't know who I am and how I really feel about things.

I recently got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. And I'm afraid I'm going to make this my whole "life story" instead of just living life like everyone else. I'm afraid itll become my whole personality and I'll just self sabtoage for this story my brain is making up.

I tend to self sabotage when things go well because I think I'm supposed to live a sad life because that's the story I made in my head. Why can I not just be happy and get better without feeling like smth is off?

I cant imagine myself getting better. I just see myself suffering and trying to get better, but will always be sad. Like I live in those sad stories where I'm destined to be unhappy and everyone feels bad.

It sounds so childish and attention seeking but i can't stop. My anxiety and depression I know are real. They are smth I can't control and they are the only time I actually know what's happening with me. But when I'm feeling okay, I don't know who I am, or what I like, what I want to do or how to just exist.

I still have trauma to heal from, learn to cope with anxiety and depression, finding a purpose in my life and overcoming many many fears.

Can someone explain what this is or tell me if this is normal?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It isnt "attention seeking" and even if it was "attention seeking" deserves attention as it is a need you have, it isnt fake.

So imagine you are climbing the cliff of life. At the top is normality and everyone is there waving at you to climb. But, you get to a shelf, we'll call it the shelf of mental illness and as much as you try, you cannot climb any further. You notice a cave and you walk in only to find 20% of the worlds population is in there. You suddenly realise that you dont feel abnormal amongst those of your own kind. You get advice, medication, ways to help you feel better. 

You return to the shelf and you realise that some people at the top, even friends and family are abseiling down to you... they also have fallen into depression. Over time you get treatment and you then can climb up to the top and join others, it means you have to take meds every day maybe do some relaxation and be careful how you run your life. It will mean a trip down to the shelf and back again.

Now imagine every time you have unrealistic expectations like getting a cure for depression, you sink back to the bottom. Such is the effect of negative thinking and a lack of acceptance for your condition. It is far better to accept that these demons will follow you around than wanting a cure.

So what can you do? Well, the very best approach is to find ways to accept your situation kind of like- a turtle can walk but never run but he can make it to where ever he is determined to go. He can never expect himself to run so why try?

The following will be useful to you. Only need to read the first post of each. It's worth the effort. '

I hope I've helped. Reply anytime

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK