Constant overthinking and I don't know how to help myself

[nootnoot]

I am not sure if my depression is coming back but I feel anxious all the time and am constantly overthinking. I don't know what to do.

I [29] have been with my boyfriend [32] for 3.5 years. During this time we have lived with his parents. I have expressed to my boyfriend on and off for over a year that I want us to move out together. He said that we would once I am finished uni and working. I have been out of uni since October and working since then. I tend to avoid bringing up serious topics e.g. moving out, getting married, kids, travel etc because he becomes offensive and mean. He will either talk to me rudely or ignore me completely so we don't end up talking about it. To this day I am not even sure what he wants because he is so vague or brushes it off. I bought up wanting to move out again a little over 2 weeks ago. I sent it as a message because I was scared to raise it in person. He ignored my message so I raised the issue again when he was home. He spoke with his usual "you're an idiot" tone of voice I call it, giving me his usual excuses like renting is dead money, interest rates are too high, I could lose my job etc. I said that if he doesn't want to move out I'd like to move out on my own. He said he didn't want that and told me to keep staying with him so we can keep saving. But I don't know how long we will be saving for!!

The whole time I have been living here has been tough but ever since I started in my dream job I feel more accomplished and should be living in my own place like an adult does. It has gotten to the point where I dread coming home. I am irritated and moody whenever I am here. I feel as if I am starting to resent my boyfriend. Everything he does now annoys me and I don't feel like having sex. All I can think about is my own space. We have never had our privacy, his mum is loud, nosy, sometimes she makes snide comments to me but insists she is joking. If I am in my room too long, she makes comments. If I sleep too long she makes comments. I work shift work so I need sleep at different times.

I just don't know what to do. I really want my own place to live but I'm worried my boyfriend will break up with me and about all the things his mum will say. I also keep thinking about running away and living and working overseas. He has made it clear he doesn't want to. I've tried talking to my sisters about it but basically since they both have kids, my issues aren't as big as theirs.

Just wanting someone to listen.

[ecomama]

Hi nootnoot

Sounds like you've had enough. What's your bf insisting that you're both saving FOR? He doesn't mention a near time commitment so is this for HIS wants?

Congratulations on finishing your study btw lol AND getting work. Pretty awesome achievements so well done you!

I'm going to cut to the chase here and say this family dynamic and bfs behaviours are really holding you back. They probably always will. Toxic to you atm clearly.

A big sticking point is the working / travelling overseas. Although obviously NOW is not the time to fly out, since we can't lol but ASAP is the next prompt.

I doubt a person EVER regrets going overseas but PLENTY of people regret NOT doing it.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to remove yourself from this household? As you want to?
If bf moves in then good (I hope) and if he doesn't then I think that's your ticket.

Sometimes we worry ourselves so much, ofcourse an important relationship should be considered, but if you can't talk to bf now about things that are on your mind, and he ignores and abuses you if you bring stuff up... then how on earth could you guys do all the challenging things required of a couple when raising children etc etc?
I don't think bf wants to grow up.

Please make sure you have access to your savings.

I'd take a jump into the abyss (I've done so many times and it has been the best move EVERY time). My prediction is that you'll see how well you fly. You'll also get some distance and be able to see the forest for the trees a lot more clearly.

Good luck! but you don't need it. 😉
EM

[NotYetEffulgent]

Hi nootnoot,

Sorry to read about your anxiety, but hey congrats on obtaining your dream job! I’m a bit of an over thinker myself. I found weighing these things up in my previous relationship to be really taxing emotionally.

Seems that you both envision a different time-frame or even future for the relationship. I think you’ve out grown the maturity of the relationship. He doesn’t sound like he’s being very considerate of your needs if he won’t even canvas the idea of you moving out on your own, particularly as he said that he would move out once you got a job.

Perhaps it’s time to set an ultimatum? A time-limit by which if he hasn’t come to the table you’ll take action of your own? It needn’t be as drastic as ending the relationship, but letting him know that this is something you need for your well being. Maybe a set a date for when you’ll start looking for places to rent? Or a date you intend to move?

Is this relationship really what you want? Is living overseas something you’d be happy to do on your own? Sounds like you might be inching to spread your wings a bit.

Hope everything works out for you.

Stay strong,
NYE

[therising]

Hi nootnoot

You're facing a massive challenge which has naturally led you to questioning. It's good that you're questioning your bf's behaviour.

I'll suggest your boyfriend's behaviour is depressing and also suggest his mum's behaviour is somewhat the same to a degree. From personal experience, having dealt with clinical depression at a certain time in my life and having the ability to look back and analyse things, I've discovered any time a person brings me down, puts me down or keeps me down (over a significant period of time) I can become down, low or a little depressed if I'm not careful. Whenever someone raises me or takes me to knew heights regarding adventure, excitement or greater consciousness, I become naturally high on life.

I'll also suggest your bf is happy with life because it's the life he wants, yet it comes at a cost to you. He will not support you in being your natural evolutionary self who seeks to be high on life. Life is on his terms.

I understand the anxiety. I've been married for 18 years and I recall many moments when I wanted to say something to my husband about how thoughtless or ranty he was being at times when I deserved greater consideration but I didn't want to risk losing everything. I could feel anxiety rising in me at these times. Then I'd just go off and get angry or sad for a period of time. Things have changed recently. I don't fear as much anymore, which is liberating and great for self-esteem. My natural self is worth fighting for; I never want to lose me again. To lose our natural self can be deeply depressing in so many ways. The feelings/bodily sensations that come with a rise to fear (anxiety) are the same as those that come with a rise to courage. It is the mindset that is different. I'm happy being naturally courageous now, even if it doesn't suit my husband. I'm now known as 'difficult', which amuses me.

You've expressed courage in the past in speaking to your bf. You've expressed higher consciousness and the desire for evolution. You've expressed a passion for excitement and difference. It sounds like all you've expressed has been shot down in favour of the life he desires. If he will not change, if he will not compromise and if he will not help raise you to living the life you naturally long for, the ultimate question becomes 'What do I need to do in order to raise my self beyond oppression?'

Definitely hard to remain attracted to someone whose behaviour is far from attractive.

Take care rising star 🙂

[nootnoot]

Thank you all for your posts. I think I know what I need to do to do but I am very nervous about doing it. Maybe my boyfriend and I are not right for each other anymore. I feel I have matured in our relationship. I am scared to be alone again even though I know I will be fine on my own. It took me years to find a nice guy like my boyfriend, it is just a shame he doesn't share my hopes and dreams. I am 30 this year so that's another thing I worry about. I am currently in the process of looking look at apartments to rent online. I believe I will be too scared to go through with it but I know it's what I need to do.

[ecomama]

How are you doing nootnoot?

I hope you're dong okay today.

EM

[ecomama]

OOooooops

*** DOING heavens, sorry for the typo!

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello nootnoot,

Congratulations on finishing your studies & getting that job!

Your situation sounds very toxic.

It sounds as though you are on the right track; be confident in your decisions.

Your post screams "This is what I want but I'm scared."

Partners are supposed to lift each other up & support each other.

From the sound of your post, your bf is only holding you back.

If he is not mature enough to support you & what you need, then he is not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone like you.

You need to do what is best for you.

Go with your gut.

[Tangney]

Hello Nootnoot. It sounds like you've taken a couple of brave steps already. One is to post here. The other is to start looking on line for properties. As ecomama has alluded to, I'm concerned for your savings and I hope that you can secure your funds. I'm sorry that your sisters are so focused on their own lives that they can't see how difficult your situation is. It seems like this guy has taken away some of your confidence and this maybe part of your fear of moving on. It seems like he's quite controlling. I also wonder if his mother might actually resent you being there, hence her snide remarks. It can't be easy to have so many grown adults under the one roof. Your bf is probably making it hard for his parents too. Lots of parents want to see their offspring grow up and progress with their lives. I agree with those who have posted about the positive aspects of overseas travel. This is the time in your life when you really should embrace your opportunities because they might not come again. It's sad that your bf doesn't want the same things as you. This is a hard reality to face. Good luck and I hope you are able to forge rightful place in the world soon.