Considering leaving home and cutting ties due to a toxic and controlling family.

[asianaussie]

Although I'm 25, I'm still living at home with my family, due to financial reasons. Although they have supported me through living and study, I feel they have never emotionally cared for me. Or respected my boundaries. Both my parents and sister. I feel like everything I say and/or do, I am judged and told to 'do this, do that'. From disapproving my dating choices to my religion (I follow New Age). I always find some of my possessions moved around and bank/tax records taken out, then being scolded for 'why I spent too much money, I need to be careful'. My journals have also been taken out and read, often critical entries about them, and they angrily confront me about it. Everything I bought, from food to clothes to spa treatments, have been checked for how much money I spent.

With my family, I have never felt truly loved or supported. My mental health problems get dismissed as 'lazy excuses', and everytime I've tried to talk about a positive experience, they mostly ignore it or even squash it down with 'but what about when you...' insert bad thing I said or did. It's like I have to step on eggshells. They also argue, yell and talk negatively. Living with them has made me feel so hopeless about myself. My patience is fleeting, I find myself constantly anxious, and literally feel sick coming back home. My health has also suffered too, I barely sleep because the bedroom door keeps getting opened and people walk in. I've gained weight and find myself in crying bouts, I've felt constipated, I've had panic attacks at work and jealous towards those with loving families.  I came back from a trip with my friends just this afternoon, and the first thing they did was question me about slacking off Christmas shifts. I lost it and said everything, what I truly wanted to say and how I felt about them shunning me. They got defensive and pointed that I was the toxic person, I was the one who didn't help or thank them what they had done for me. To 'get a grip, I'm an adult now.' I am a mess right now. I have considered leaving but find myself financially stuck. Renting is quite expensive, and I know there'll be many responsibilities that come with this. I'm currently a Uni student, and been considering doing a 1 year lease at least. But my weekly income is usually $700 to $900, and most costs are $300 to $500, plus the other expenses. I would please like any suggestions or any advice.

[therising]

Hi asianaussie

I feel for you so deeply as you face one of the most challenging times in your life. Given the overstepping of boundaries, the depressing criticisms, the highly questionable lack of privacy and more, give yourself a massive pat on the back for having tolerated so much.  While we can be grateful for the opportunities our parents give us, through having provided a roof over our head, an education and more, it doesn't mean they are entitled to treat us in deeply depressing and highly stressful ways.

Wondering if you can see yourself as being at the very beginning of change (changes that are to come). I've found sometimes significant change can only begin when I can no longer tolerate something. Intolerance is typically a driving force. No matter what age/stage we're at in life, the question can come down to 'How do I now need to begin seriously restructuring my life?'.  I'm a 52yo gal who is on the verge of entering into a major restructuring of my life. With restructuring, what begins as a vague plan eventually becomes a specific plan of action (with room for flexibility). The plan may cover boundary setting, time management, financial management, mental/physical/spiritual health management, establishing a reliable 'go to' circle of people etc.

With the New Age aspect, I congratulate you for finding what works. Don't let anyone talk you out of what works. I, myself, am what some love to call 'woo woo' 😁 It's the woo woo or new age stuff that keeps me out of long term depression, something I experienced for 15 years or so earlier in my life. Without it I don't think I could manage life. Ever considered going all the way back to your roots in regard to certain elements of spirituality? No matter what spiritual origin we're looking at (Chinese, Indian, Celtic etc) there is so much to find in the way of how the mind, body and spirit all tie in together. How the energetic health of each works to serve the whole is fascinating from so many different angles.