Confused on where to go

[Rye]

Hi all, I'm 20 years old and ever since I was a child I've struggled with a lack of motivation, and depressive thoughts. I'm not diagnosed with depression though I am diagnosed with generalised anxiety and PTSD. Plus I was told I shown symptoms of a personality disorder. I recently booked a doctors appointment in hopes that I'll be able to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I saw a psychologist in the past who helped me find ways to manage these feelings, though it feels like nothing I do helps me in the end. I know the methods in which to soothe myself but I can never apply them properly. And if I do, it only temporarily helps me. I'm at a war with my own brain, and I don't know how to stop it. I've never properly seen a psychiatrist, the only time being when I was admitted to hospital. 
I'd love a job to help get me out of the house, to earn some money and start building my future but my track record shows that i've left all of my jobs in the past for mental health reasons. 
I also need a job to even be able to afford seeing a psychiatrist which is another whole problem - I'd ask my mum for money, but we already are struggling for money at home.

Everyone tells me they admire that I'm taking my time to heal but I DESPISE It. I don't feel like i'm healing and I want to do things that everyone else is doing I just cant. Something feels very lost inside of me.
I know by even taking the step to make an appointment is admirable! But what happens when this sudden burst of care for myself and general motivation goes away again. It always has and then I fall back in to bad habits again. It's a really draining cycle of trying to get help, failing and falling back through the cracks.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I'm so sorry that you feel like that, I can see how frustrating and exhausting it is for you. I can understand how sometimes our head is not doing things that we want it to do. It can be the anxiety and PTSD that can bring up things that we don't want to think about or make our mind a very dark and negative place.

As much as it can be very hard to do, it does help to find a way how to prove those thoughts wrong by aligning them with reality and finding a way how to be calm while doing it. Those thoughts were created by our past and old ways of dealing with them and they can be replaced by a healthier way of thinking. It can take some time but with practice and persistence, our mind gets the message and it sinks in.

Please don't be upset at your head as dealing with anxiety and PTSD is hard and it needs patience. You already have a lot of emotions to deal with and adding frustration can make it worse. It can get all fixed once you find a way that works for you and start learning a healthy way of dealing with your trauma.

I know that it sounds cliché but just going for a walk and focusing on peaceful surroundings can help a lot to put ourselves in a calm mood and slowly plug away at those thoughts to fix them. As much as it's hard to start with and it needs tiny little steps, with practice everything gets easier and we start doing it on our own without even knowing and it will all become just a glimpse from the past.

I hope that this helped a little bit, please be nice to yourself as it is a natural process, things will get better once you find a way that works for you