Compulsive liar, help!

[Sarah929]

Hi all!

I'm new here but my problems aren't new. I'm a compulsive liar.

i remember telling little lies when I was younger, like, if something wasn't done or forgotten my mum would say "we will just tell your dad this.." that seemed to be the easy way out for everything.

As I got older, my lying increased, more so when my parents split and my dad drank a lot and my mum cut me off to spend time with her "friend and his kids" and only wanted to spend time with me when it was convenient. I gradually worked out how to lie to my parents to get what I wanted, whether it was to get out of going to school or to play them against each other. I knew it was wrong but I wasn't getting caught so it was easy.

Then my dad found someone he wanted to spend his life with, he became a different person, but I stayed the same. I continued to lie until one day his now wife picked up on it, my dad said "she wouldn't lie" but I was. Always lying about something so that I didn't have to deal with the consequences. The thing that no one tells you is you have to remember every little lie you tell or it's going to come back and bite you on the bum and all that "perfectness" will turn to crap and stopping isn't just as easy as saying "hey I just won't lie anymore" you cannot stop yourself, the words just come out of your mouth and that's it. Another hole you've dug.

Fast forward to today, where my lies have dug me into such a deep hole I cannot get back out, I'm anxious, I can't sleep, I'm depresssed, I've lost pretty much everyone that cares about me because of the lies. Today I decided that I'm tired, I'm tired of letting everyone down. I'm tired of feeling this way. I called someone for some help. I have to fix this before my daughter picks up on it and thinks it's okay to live your life this way. It's not. Anyone who's reading this and thinking that a few little lies are okay, it's not, those little lies turn into bigger lies by the second. Then eventually your lying becomes so out of hand that even when youre telling the truth no one believes you.

Sorry for the ramble I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel so alone because of all the lies that I'm left with no one.

thanks for reading

[Wantingtobetter20]

Hey there,

i hope this will reach someone on this thread.

i am a compulsive liar and I have been caught every time, and have been forgiven everytime by my family, but it took me losing a relationship with someone I really wanted to work and also a relationship with my family that I have a problem. I feel so alone and lonely that I am the only one suffering with this problem, and I do it mainly so I can fit or not get in trouble or to be liked by others. My lying has caused me so much trouble but I always get let off so easily I continue to do it, but this time is different I actually want to change and rebuild trust, but I’m unsure if I can. I know I have no right to either, but I keep getting eaten up by guilt and shame I have so many regrets. I was in therapy, but it didn’t work because I wasn’t honest with my therapist and created a world where I painted myself as a victim, I believe I’ve been like that for so long because deep down I knew I wasn’t that person although I wanted to be perceived as the perfect person who never did anything wrong where as in reality I was the worst kind of person. I feel like a manipulator and just disgusted in myself too, but sometimes I lie out of habit it’s almost like second nature to me and I am scared. Do you believe that I can change and most importantly do you think I will be able to rebuild my relationships again, I’m so lost I don’t know what to do anymore I just feel so alone.

please if anyone can help or offer advice. Thank you

[quirkywords]

Wantingtibebetter,

welcome to the forum.

You have been honest here could you be honest in therapy.
yiu You may have read other threads here and people need to face up to their lies and effect on others.

It can be a challenge to change the patter in lying as it has become a habit.

You need support and help.

As this is an old thread you may want to cut and paste this post and start a new thread.

thanks again for your honesty.

[Guest_1584]

l grew up in a very large family of strong personalities so you were always defending yourself holding your ground or covering up. l was head strong myself and l've always done mostly what l wanted even as a little kid and the easiest no drama way for that was either cover or lie. l knew even then it was just in the interest of peace and self preservation for me really/ l knew how to get around the red tape so to speak and really that's all that interested me.

So l was well very practiced going into adult hood by then and went on to use it to make things fit and work in my favor but not really with people or family as such , but l mean you wanted this job you had to sell yourself and talk your way into it for example which everyone does anyway. later on l went into business and l wouldn't have gotten past yr one without at least stretching the truth if nothing else. 25yrs later l've had to use every trick in the book one time or another but l'm still touch wood in business. Not a doubt in my mind l've been bs'd to 1000 times to though, not only in business or like but by family even loved ones . Don't know if they actually made a habit of it though and a tool the way l did.

When you grew up like me though it's easy for these things to flow through and into general life stuff to for any convenience or easier way or to just cut through the bs with someone so it's taken quite a bit of training myself out of it as l got older. l didn't want to lie as such to people friends or loved ones and even with all that l was always an honest person and they could depend on me far more than l could them. But these days l try to stick to total honesty bc of cause it's not a nice way to live or thing to be otherwise and somethings it's gonna cause something to hit the fan otherwise. l discovered a long time ago now that rather than a few white lies usually not saying anything instead can get the same result anyway , not hiding the truth as such l just mean we don't have to stretch it or modify it usually , most cases there's really not any need where as earlier in life to me it seemed like the easiest way , but really , the truth is easier.

rx

[geoff]

Hello Wantingtobetter, thanks for your comment and hope you are still reading the many threads created by others and catching up on this post.

We learn to lie when we are kids, not to get into any trouble, they maybe 'white lies', but because we get away in doing this, then it may continue only until you lose a friend or start a new relationship, that's when it hits us the most.

It can also happen with some personality disorders, such as antisocial personality disorder, but if however, you want to stop lying, the remarks made by those you love that you are still 'making up' these stories is not going to give you the confidence that honesty is the best direction and can make you close up or feel withdrawn.

The reason why people lie is to avoid punishment or some type of embarrassment and definitely to protect ourselves, the only downfall is when the truth is told, and that makes our situation feel worse.

A good way to tell if someone is lying is to watch their eyes, only an experienced, confident and well rehearsed person can look another person in the eye and lie without any facial expressions changing.

Lying can also be an obsession, in a compulsive situation or by habit, as you have mentioned, just interested in whether you do other things the same way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[amberlite]

Was that not all a tab unbelievable? I love satire but it did seem a bit far fetched!!

[quirkywords]

Amberlite

I assume everyone on the forum is telling the truth .

Do you mean that because the thread is about compulsive liar people may lie about lying.

That never occurred to me.

Thanks for expressing your opinion.

[Zeen]

hey all,

I'm new here and I am slightly nervous but here it goes. I am a habitual liar. I have always lied about things to my family and usually I am forgiven after a while but I think this time I took it too far. I want to try and fix myself but I just can't help it. It's like lying is a default mechanism now. I lie to avoid the consequences but that doesn't really help. I always think to myself after lying 'why couldn't have I just told the truth? would it really have been that bad?' I really want to be able to regain my parents' trust but I think it's too late now. I've lied soo much that at this point my parents have probably completely given up on me and think that i am never ashamed but the truth is that i am extremely ashamed of myself. sometimes i think why did i do it in the first place to get me in this situation. anyways sorry for the rant. i just really wanna fix this

thanks for reading

[Sophie_M]

Hi Zeen, 

Thank you for coming to the forums and for being so honest in sharing your story. You never know who will benefit from you coming and opening up like you have. Thank you for showing so much courage, we hope it can be a step towards feeling better. It is never too late to tell the truth and we think that you making an effort and seeing that you want to improve is a great thing to do. 

WE think it would great for you to reach out to our Phoneline on 1300 22 4636 to discuss how you are feeling. They are wonderful at helping in the moment as well as helping to find other supports. 

Thanks agai for reaching out, please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Zeen~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. It says a lot about your state of mind you have reached out for help - a good thing, even if it was hard to do.

You are not alone, there are many who lie by habit, even when there is no real reason to do so, it becomes a way of life, and as you know, you feel very bad about it, and also boxed into a corner with no way out. After all it looks like people have been lied to too often, however their impressions can be turned around in time.

It is not too late, and you can end up a person that tells the truth without thinking, by reflex. It is probably not something you can manage by yourself -or I'd be most surprised if it were - as I'd imagine the habit has come about due to fear or consequences at some stage in your life and gone on from there.

It is not a question of being ashamed, you may have had what seemed like a good reason when young and it started, however it is out of hand, an addiction. Like all addictions medical help is the best way to go.

If you are under 25 then I'd suggest

the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800)

or if writing is easier than talking use their web-chat facility

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

They are well used to these sorts of problems and may help directly or give you alternatives to go to.

If you are older than that then Sophie's suggestion of our own 24/7 Help Line would be best.

I guess what I'm trying to say in this post is there is most definitely hope, you have not reach a no-return point, please do see about some help and feel encouraged you can actually do this. After all you recognize there is a problem and are now looking for a way to fix things. These are great steps on the path to a better life, both for you, and for your parents too.

Please do come back and say what you think

Croix

[quirkywords]

Zeen

I too welcome you to the forum and thank you for your honesty.

Sophie and Croix have given helpful suggestions.

Like some of the people who are reading your post I too lied a lot when I was younger. For me I don’t think I liked myself so I would make up stories to friends and family that made me look better. I would make up stories about what happened at school.

I think I told myself what harm is there in stories and I didn’t see it as lying until someone point out I was not telling the truth. I think you do get into a cycle and it is hard to get out of.

You recognise you are lying and that is a good start as many people are in denial amd can’t tell the truth from a lie.

I think if you shared here what you wrote with your parents they would be pleased to help you. There is hope and you have the desire to change.

Dont be ashamed be proud of yourself that you have an insight and want to improve.

Feel free to post here when you want to.