Compulsive liar, help!

[Sarah929]

Hi all!

I'm new here but my problems aren't new. I'm a compulsive liar.

i remember telling little lies when I was younger, like, if something wasn't done or forgotten my mum would say "we will just tell your dad this.." that seemed to be the easy way out for everything.

As I got older, my lying increased, more so when my parents split and my dad drank a lot and my mum cut me off to spend time with her "friend and his kids" and only wanted to spend time with me when it was convenient. I gradually worked out how to lie to my parents to get what I wanted, whether it was to get out of going to school or to play them against each other. I knew it was wrong but I wasn't getting caught so it was easy.

Then my dad found someone he wanted to spend his life with, he became a different person, but I stayed the same. I continued to lie until one day his now wife picked up on it, my dad said "she wouldn't lie" but I was. Always lying about something so that I didn't have to deal with the consequences. The thing that no one tells you is you have to remember every little lie you tell or it's going to come back and bite you on the bum and all that "perfectness" will turn to crap and stopping isn't just as easy as saying "hey I just won't lie anymore" you cannot stop yourself, the words just come out of your mouth and that's it. Another hole you've dug.

Fast forward to today, where my lies have dug me into such a deep hole I cannot get back out, I'm anxious, I can't sleep, I'm depresssed, I've lost pretty much everyone that cares about me because of the lies. Today I decided that I'm tired, I'm tired of letting everyone down. I'm tired of feeling this way. I called someone for some help. I have to fix this before my daughter picks up on it and thinks it's okay to live your life this way. It's not. Anyone who's reading this and thinking that a few little lies are okay, it's not, those little lies turn into bigger lies by the second. Then eventually your lying becomes so out of hand that even when youre telling the truth no one believes you.

Sorry for the ramble I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel so alone because of all the lies that I'm left with no one.

thanks for reading

[Boo1986]

Hi Sarah,

Just so you know, you have just left a very honest and open post about yourself, no lies big or small... so that is a wonderful start isn't it 😃

I used to lie all the time, my family were very strict so I thought it was safest to lie to avoid the consequences. Eventually I realised I didn't like the person I was becoming. I decided it needed to stop. I spoke to my family and basically confessed to absolutely everything I had been hiding. I knew that they would think differently of me, but I decided that was their choice.

I was most concerned about confessing to things I know are considered really bad in their religion- alcohol, drugs, premarital sex etc but I decided that despite what they said, I was comfortable with the decisions I had made and none of their judgements of me would affect that.

So I guess I have a question for you... are the things you have been hiding things that you are ashamed of?

Own your decisions 😃 no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but you shouldn't have to hide anything. You are partially a product of the decisions that you have made so if people love you for who you are, what you have done shouldn't make a difference.

If you can, come clean with everything. It is such a relief and a weight off your shoulders. When you have done this, it gives you a clean slate to start fresh... no leftover lies that you have to keep covering up.

I'd love to know what you think and will be here for you if I can help 😃

[Croix]

Dear Sarah~
That’s no ramble, that’s sense. Surprisingly enough you have made the one most difficult step to take already, admitting the problem – which you’ve done - great!

Welcome Sarah, as you have already see there are people here, such as Boo1986 who have a great understanding of what you have been doing and are going through and appreciate the effort you are making.

Lying like you describe would indeed seem the easy way out for everything, a coping mechanism and worst still it’s an addictive action.

Is that your little daughter in your avatar, she looks a real sweetie?

You’ve got a second powerful thing going for you, wanting to do something for the love of someone else. To digress for a moment I was a policeman and a very heavy smoker. I was invalided out due to stress and still smoked non-stop.

I tried all the usual ways to give up, all based on logic and my own health – nothing worked.

When I met my second wife she was a widow, her husband had died from lung cancer – a smoker.
She never said anything to me about my smoking, but I could tell she was deeply afraid. That gave me the strength to stop – cold. Umpteen years later the temptation to light up a smoke has been gone for ages.

Smoking is addictive and also answers a social, as well as physical need.

Why do I go on about this – because it is a powerful habit to break, and you too have a powerful habit.

I’m not suggesting you try to go it alone. You do need help. If it was me I’d go to my GP, book a long appointment, and tell all, in detail, lies, history, anxiety, depression. If you think you’ll have trouble write it all down first and share the paper. Don’t minimize anything. Ask to be psychologically assessed.

You probably will be given treatment for the anxiety and depression, maybe meds, maybe therapy, some self-help, I don’t know about the rest.

Boo1986 has given you pretty good advice based on experience about trying to make amends by telling your family and those who love you all about it. Many people think things have gone too far or are too late – it’s not necessarily so.

Have a read in The Facts menu towards the top of the page abut Anxiety & Depression. Go to the Forum and read others’ stories about these two conditions. Join in if you wish.

Both Boo1986, I, and others look forward to seeing how you get on, please post as often as you’d like, you will be met with care and understanding. You are not alone.

Croix

[geoff]

hi Sarah, thanks for opening up to us.
Of course most of us have also lied as a kid, whether you want to call it a 'white lie' or not, we used to do it so we wouldn't get into any trouble, but to keep covering yourself you have to tell another lie until you forget what you have said in the first place and that's how we are always caught.
Telling lies may make you feel safe for a short period of time but once you are found out then all hell breaks out, rather than owning up straight away then the punishment will not be as harsh.
If you knew your daughter was lying to you then how would feel, betrayed and disappointed, so this is a way for you look at your situation, and remember if she finds out then she will have an excuse why she can't lie as well. Geoff.

[Mary-J]

Hi... I don't really know where to begin. I'm not even sure that there is anyone on this forum anymore, I might be a bit late but I figured it was worth a shot. I am a compulsive liar and I lie pathologically, almost religiously. I don't... I don't know how to stop, I lie about things that don't even matter and some very serious things at the same time. There isn't really another way to go about this, I guess it started when I was younger and I would lie to get out of trouble or I would lie to say that I had done a chore that I actually hadn't. From there, it escalated drastically. I'm not trying to make any excuses but I had never really had a close relationship with my mum or anyone from her side of the family, I was close with my dad and his side of the family and had a reasonably good childhood despite a few difficulties that I wouldn't consider serious. I don't know why I lie because I lie about things that don't really benefit me in any way, sometimes I lie to get out of getting into trouble but often end up in trouble either way. I lie to make myself seem a certain way, important I guess? I don't know, I don't lie to hide things but of course at the same time, lying is hiding things so what's the difference? It's really hard for me to write about this and admit it, especially considering it's a public forum but I want help. I go to counselling every two weeks but I have never talked about it before, I'm too scared to do that because I have built up a lot of rapport with this counsellor. I've never actually admitted it to anyone, not in real life, not at all but I have told one person who I met online and they understood and said they used to lie a lot as well but I don't think it was as serious as the ones that I tell. I will tell lies just for the sake of telling lies, I'm not a very interesting person; at least I don't think I am, the fact that I have to lie about things in my life happening like small stories with my friends or family members just shows me that I am obviously not a very interesting person. I'm not popular either, I wasn't in primary school and I wasn't in high school; I was a loner, still am in some ways although as I have gotten older I have grown to be more social but still keeping my friend circle quite small.

I want to bring this up with my counsellor but what if she isn't qualified to help me? I don't know, I want help and I know I need help. I hate that I am a compulsive and pathological liar, I hate that about myself. Help

[quirkywords]

Mary-J,

Welcome to this friend,y and supportive forum.

As you realise no one has written here for 2 years so you may want cut and paste this and start your own thread, tHat way more people will be able to see your thread and reply. only if you want too.

thanks again for making your first post.

You May have read Sarah’s post and the replies to her and realise you are not alone.

I am glad you are seeing a counsellor and maybe if you print our this post and show the counsellor if you find it hard to express your feelings. most counsellor would have experience with compulsive lying. if the clunsellor fekt they could not help you they would refer you to someone.

i appreciate how hard it is to be honest about your lying as it means admitting to yourself what you have done. You have an insight into your lying and are awareyou do. come compulsive liars do not even know they are lying.

When I was in primary school I was not good at many things so I used to lie to new pupils how cane to the school and tell them I was a champion horse rider when I had never been on a horse. I used to say I was creative but I was making up stories and zimknow I hurt people by my stories/lies. For me I did not like myself so I created a fantasy me. I took many decades to learn that I had to accept myself as I was.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Mary-J~

I'd like to join Quirky in welcoming you here.

I read your post as being good news all though. You have courage - or you would never have opened up here. Even in an anonymous place like here is a great built in desire to avoid posting about this particular problem

You recognize it is a problem - a big one, and had all sort of rectifications for your life and relationships

You want to fix it.

These are the foundation stones of success. Frankly it does not matter if your medical team is expert in this field or not, once they know what the problem is they can steer you towards someone who is -and although you will not be that comfortable with all the therapy you will know there is success waiting for you in time.

Telling lies all the time is an addiction, like alcohol and other things, and as such needs specialist support from outside, not the sort of thing many can beat by themselves.

And peace in your life is a result - and pride when you beat it.

Quirky's idea of printing out your post and just handing it over is a good thought, I've done similar for other reasons and it does make things easier

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Mary-J, thanks for posting your comment.

People who believe that they aren't interesting and feel as though they're left out, lie to gain attention from others to help combat their insecurities by pretending to be victims of something or creating situations that didn't really happen or because they want something they wouldn't be able to get.

When you go to counselling the psych or therapist will know that you're not telling the truth, because you may make mistakes in your answers and a liar has to lie to cover their tracks.

The best part is that you have admitted being a liar, that's an enormous hurdle you've jumped, it's no different than someone who drinks alcohol admitting they are an alcoholic, so please continue your counselling, there is nothing wrong to admit you have an addiction.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Wario]

Hi Sarah,

I never thought stopping lies can be this hard, I divorced my wife cos she couldn't stop lying, 99 % of what ever she says was just a lie and she never told the truth and that hurt me a lot in a relationship, we got a child out of this relationship and we have to coparent together although we are living separately . the best think about you is that you do acknowledge that you have that problem, the first step is recognizing the problem, once you do that you can work on it and you will get rid of it eventually, trust me, my ex wife never acknowleged this sickness and divorce could have been avoided if she at least noticed that she got the problem and on the other hand, if your partner lies in a relationship, then that is the worst night mare. I am one of the victim whose relationship ended due to this pathological liar thing

thanks for sharing your stories

[geoff]

Hello Wario, thanks for [osting your comment.

I am sorry for what has happened to your marriage but am concerned about the health of your child where you tell the truth and your ex maybe different as you have told us.

Can I ask who the child lives with and only answer if you want to.

My best.

Geoff.