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Completely Alone and Friendless
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15-02-2019
03:26 PM
I realised a couple years ago that I have no real friends. Every single person I considered a friend only ever talked to me when I approached them. Only ever contacted me when they wanted something. They often say they'd love to catch up but are conveniently indisposed (or didn't see my messages) when I'm in town ... I spiraled after a event involving someone who I thought was a real friend. And I realised after that I have no friends. I was so miserable that I did something I never did before, I told everyone I was struggling and sought them out (as friends are supposed to be there for you right? I guess not if you were never their real friends to begin with it seems) ... and they all disappeared (some straight away, others took a month or two) ... until I was literally alone.
This broke my heart. And I don't know what to do. I often walk by the man who made me realise this. Before my misery drove everyone away he was like my best friend. We'd catch up every week ... it was awkward catchups because we are both awkward people, but that's why I liked him so much. It was like we are both the same kind of outsider (but unlike me everyone seems to love him) ... but now he pretends he doesn't' see me when our paths cross. I saw him just yesterday, and he literally looked up at me, his face turned dark and than he looked away. I realise that this is my fault. I freaked him right out with my misery, when I realised I alienated him my last words to him was that I'd never bother him again but if he wanted to catch up I'm always here. That was probably 18 months ago. Occasionally he'll wave from a afar if he sees me, but mostly he pretends he doesn't see me. And this is devastating. He was my last friend on this crappy world.
I've tried to move on. Make new friends, a new canvas. I have pretty bad social anxiety too, so anything to do with people is hard, but I try and it's the same old story. The best I can hope for is people humouring me ... I feel like one those chronically unlikable ladies who goes around talking to strangers cause nobody else will. I don't even think I'm unlikable, I'm awkward sure, and different, I have trouble talking. But I'm friendly, and have stack of interesting hobbies that other folk usually rave about. But I'm always "that" person, "that freak."
I'm so lonely. Would like some advice on how to make a real friend.
I'm on the autism spectrum btw ... so I'm sure that ads to my creepiness that repels the rest of humanity
This broke my heart. And I don't know what to do. I often walk by the man who made me realise this. Before my misery drove everyone away he was like my best friend. We'd catch up every week ... it was awkward catchups because we are both awkward people, but that's why I liked him so much. It was like we are both the same kind of outsider (but unlike me everyone seems to love him) ... but now he pretends he doesn't' see me when our paths cross. I saw him just yesterday, and he literally looked up at me, his face turned dark and than he looked away. I realise that this is my fault. I freaked him right out with my misery, when I realised I alienated him my last words to him was that I'd never bother him again but if he wanted to catch up I'm always here. That was probably 18 months ago. Occasionally he'll wave from a afar if he sees me, but mostly he pretends he doesn't see me. And this is devastating. He was my last friend on this crappy world.
I've tried to move on. Make new friends, a new canvas. I have pretty bad social anxiety too, so anything to do with people is hard, but I try and it's the same old story. The best I can hope for is people humouring me ... I feel like one those chronically unlikable ladies who goes around talking to strangers cause nobody else will. I don't even think I'm unlikable, I'm awkward sure, and different, I have trouble talking. But I'm friendly, and have stack of interesting hobbies that other folk usually rave about. But I'm always "that" person, "that freak."
I'm so lonely. Would like some advice on how to make a real friend.
I'm on the autism spectrum btw ... so I'm sure that ads to my creepiness that repels the rest of humanity
7 Replies 7
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15-02-2019
04:27 PM
Hi QR, welcome
Well, I'm 63yo and don't really have friends. I've had them over my lifetime, including two close friends that have drifted away. I messaged one on FB and he got his wife to reply saying he was too busy in life for a friend. Not trusting her I rang him and got the same reply.
I think ther eis much truth in the saying "birds of a feather flock together". In that aspect it's why this forum is so popular to so many people. We cant discuss our issues with family or friends as they don't understand, not even effort. So we come here and talk and help each other. Then with other people we mingle a little, talk minor talk then return here and talk major issues.
In that aspect have you joined any groups with autism? It might be worth your while.
Here is a few threads I's like you to read (only the first post)
Use google
Beyondblue topic so what are their mental illnesses?
Beyondblue topic they wont understand- why?
Beyondblue topic negatives to positives
I think we quirky people need to adjust ourselves for the normal out there that have deficiencies in their character. We should also find the right company to be with.
TonyWK
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15-02-2019
07:51 PM
What is there Mental Illness:
Interesting. Always pondered on those points. Like the point that just because someone slots into the greater part of a bell curve it automatically makes them normal. That things like Jealously and lying are considered normal traits. But someone who doesn’t feel jealous or someone who is honest no matter what are considered defective … I often wonder what kind of normal society views honesty as a negative (sure they ‘say’ they value it, but theory and realtiy are two different things) and that’s always bugged me … if it is likely to hurt someones feelings it’s better to come out and say so as soon as possible rather than avoid it (or lie) and let time factor into the hurt equation … and time is a massive multiplier.
Comment that when arguments/issues arise between people it’s the one with the diagnosed mental illness that is blamed. How devastatingly true this is. It’s like ASD people. We spend our entire lives being bullied and ostracised, vertually we are treated as second class citizens (don’t know if it’s different now days) and we take that crap for years and years and years with no repercussions for those doing it (as I moved into adulthood I noticed it still exists but it become insidious instead, I guess adults hurting other adults is generally frowned upon so they sabotage in whatever way they feel they can legally get away with) … and when we finally snap and act back its suddenly use who are the dangerous ones, use who is unstable… the irony is when neurotypicals do this the response is “well they were just defending themselves” or “do you blame them?” .They have zero accountability for the way they treat others outside their curve (unless it’s politically correct that is)
Negatives to Positives:
Some good points there. And I do try, very much. I guess with us it’s a matter of always falling into the same blasted pit again and again … the odd thing here is that I’m a very different person online then I am face-to-face. I share a rational personality (and can be very silly too) with both words, but I’m so much more negative and angry online. I see it and it drives me up the wall but I can’t seem to help it.
I’ve recently tried to take control. I dropped facebook (which only exacerbates my feelings of loneliness and anger) and I suspect that my online personality has a lot to do with loosing my friends over the years. Offline I’m much easier going, still a-bit negative but I usually wrap that up in my humour and people seem to love it. I guess half the issue is that everyone’s friendships these days are online (and I’ve made some cool connections through it) but being offline means nobody contacts me. Catch-22 … So I’m trying to keep it to the minimal. It’s hard though when you have no one outside that world to talk to.
Thanks for replying.
Interesting. Always pondered on those points. Like the point that just because someone slots into the greater part of a bell curve it automatically makes them normal. That things like Jealously and lying are considered normal traits. But someone who doesn’t feel jealous or someone who is honest no matter what are considered defective … I often wonder what kind of normal society views honesty as a negative (sure they ‘say’ they value it, but theory and realtiy are two different things) and that’s always bugged me … if it is likely to hurt someones feelings it’s better to come out and say so as soon as possible rather than avoid it (or lie) and let time factor into the hurt equation … and time is a massive multiplier.
Comment that when arguments/issues arise between people it’s the one with the diagnosed mental illness that is blamed. How devastatingly true this is. It’s like ASD people. We spend our entire lives being bullied and ostracised, vertually we are treated as second class citizens (don’t know if it’s different now days) and we take that crap for years and years and years with no repercussions for those doing it (as I moved into adulthood I noticed it still exists but it become insidious instead, I guess adults hurting other adults is generally frowned upon so they sabotage in whatever way they feel they can legally get away with) … and when we finally snap and act back its suddenly use who are the dangerous ones, use who is unstable… the irony is when neurotypicals do this the response is “well they were just defending themselves” or “do you blame them?” .They have zero accountability for the way they treat others outside their curve (unless it’s politically correct that is)
Negatives to Positives:
Some good points there. And I do try, very much. I guess with us it’s a matter of always falling into the same blasted pit again and again … the odd thing here is that I’m a very different person online then I am face-to-face. I share a rational personality (and can be very silly too) with both words, but I’m so much more negative and angry online. I see it and it drives me up the wall but I can’t seem to help it.
I’ve recently tried to take control. I dropped facebook (which only exacerbates my feelings of loneliness and anger) and I suspect that my online personality has a lot to do with loosing my friends over the years. Offline I’m much easier going, still a-bit negative but I usually wrap that up in my humour and people seem to love it. I guess half the issue is that everyone’s friendships these days are online (and I’ve made some cool connections through it) but being offline means nobody contacts me. Catch-22 … So I’m trying to keep it to the minimal. It’s hard though when you have no one outside that world to talk to.
Thanks for replying.
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15-02-2019
09:47 PM
Hi again QR
I'm impressed, not only have you read my thread recommendations but you write very well.
That means you are proactive in helping yourself. Thats important.
I was a member of a car vlub that used FB. When I went off FB I was forgotten about. So the trick with FB is-
- Use it as a tool, a means of basic communication for family and potential friendships
- Accept that social media is an essential part of communication now
- Drop off "friends" if they havent contacted you/commented on your posts after 12 months
- Defriend any bullies and move on quickly
As for others mental illnesses we should get things in perspective in our society. Yes you have issues but many more do that wont acknowledge them. There are some people that need to be avoided.
Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival
Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2
Essentially those threads centre on filters we need to find compatibility in friendships. Often we try with an acquaintance when someone else would know it would never work. This wisdom can lack in the mentally unwell...it does with me.
TonyWK
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17-02-2019
03:19 PM
Hi hi there, you sound like a really intelligent person, can we be friends?
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17-02-2019
03:46 PM
Hi Callumm
Unfortunately this an anonymous forum
TonyWK
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27-02-2019
11:18 PM
I'm the same as U , people avoid me like I have the plague I can't make friends either but I would like to talk to to U and maybe we can be friends for each other ,Kim
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17-03-2019
08:42 PM
Hi,
this is my first time here so cant offer anything really to help. I have only just realised I have depression, before I just thought I was unlucky and "people just use me, thats my life I need to accept".
When I was in real estate and doing well, everyone would reach out to me especially if i could help them but when I hit hard times, I do not get one call from anyone. My friends dont reach out unless I talk to them first, even then will be a delayed response but of course, they can comment on FB regularly so a huge slap in the face.
I now avoid going to functions with my friends because its all fake, I understand everyone is busy but still, there is ways to go about it. Another reason I avoid is i know people will ask "how have you been?" but I dont know what to say. I have to be fake and put a nice spin on it so its not awkward for them but how do you say your life is falling apart and there is no way to get it back together?
And now my depression has cause my relationship to end, she couldnt see a happy life with me even if I got better. All she could see was the present and what exciting things I would do for her on the weekends but I didnt have the answers.
I know this doesnt help you or your questions but just wanted to say that I can understand and sympothise. I would love to hear from you in the future and hopefully you are doing well so in a selfish way, gives me hope to. I dont mean that in a rude way at all, I hope we both can get to better places.
Good luck!
this is my first time here so cant offer anything really to help. I have only just realised I have depression, before I just thought I was unlucky and "people just use me, thats my life I need to accept".
When I was in real estate and doing well, everyone would reach out to me especially if i could help them but when I hit hard times, I do not get one call from anyone. My friends dont reach out unless I talk to them first, even then will be a delayed response but of course, they can comment on FB regularly so a huge slap in the face.
I now avoid going to functions with my friends because its all fake, I understand everyone is busy but still, there is ways to go about it. Another reason I avoid is i know people will ask "how have you been?" but I dont know what to say. I have to be fake and put a nice spin on it so its not awkward for them but how do you say your life is falling apart and there is no way to get it back together?
And now my depression has cause my relationship to end, she couldnt see a happy life with me even if I got better. All she could see was the present and what exciting things I would do for her on the weekends but I didnt have the answers.
I know this doesnt help you or your questions but just wanted to say that I can understand and sympothise. I would love to hear from you in the future and hopefully you are doing well so in a selfish way, gives me hope to. I dont mean that in a rude way at all, I hope we both can get to better places.
Good luck!
