Can't shake my sadness

[Cb004]

I feel as though alot of my young adulthood I have spent at one time or another feeling alone and depressed.

I have been through relationship failures and have struggled with other relationship related loss.

I've always kept my problems to myself and have always had the mentality that dealing with personal problems should be faced alone, because I do not want to burden others with my issues and thought that it would also strengthen my character.

I find myself in my thirties and worried that I'll never find another lasting relationship or start a family that I have so longed for.

I do think that I have great qualities and am physically in great shape, but I'm struggling to see why I am the only one that thinks that this is the case.

I have dated people for short periods and it always seems like I'm putting in effort and it's never reciprocated. People just seem to loose interest? I know I have a great humorous personality and I'm not the clingy type. I'm very easy going and I just dont understand why men just don't see myself as having great potential.

I'm constantly over thinking situations and seem to be trapped in my own head.

I'm trying to remain positive by reminding myself that my situation isn't abnormal and I'm sure many others face bigger struggles than Im currently facing.

I feel a heavy sunken sadness that I cannot shake and suffer from sleeping issues because I can't stop over annalysing my life which keeps me awake at night.

I do alot of shift work, so I'm finding myself sleeping too little at night and sleeping too much during the day.

There are times that I cannot get out of bed.

Not because I'm too tired, just because I don't feel like I can face the world feeling the way I do.

It takes a lengthy time to complete small tasks and I'm finding it hard to just do simple things like folding washing, cleaning my bedroom, going to the gym because it takes so much motivation.

I just feel like I get to a good place in my life and start feeling positive only to get knocked back down again.

I just don't know where I go from here?

[going_backwards]

Learning to talk to others is a huge release and it is when you realise you are not alone, that others feel exactly how you do. I think sometimes when you over think it, it makes it worse and the problem seems to getter bigger and bigger. Can you find a friend to confide in, someone who can help you find the amazing goodness in you, the highlight all the positive things that I know you have.

Depression is really such a hard thing to shake without help and counselling is a way of letting go of those feelings and somehow understanding them more, if that makes sense. It is like all your thoughts inside your head keep going around and around and letting them out will release them. Its a thought from someone who nearly took her life once, sought help and came through, even though now I am back in another situation which I am struggling with. I think you sound like a wonderful, deep and intuitive person and that is half the battle in knowing and understanding your feelings.

I started writing in a journal when things got me down, rambled on and on but somehow it really helped me to get through the difficult time i was having. I have re read the things I wrote many times and I marvel at how far I have come since i wrote those things. It is as if writing the words down clears your mind and puts the worries on paper. Try poetry too that helped me. Maybe that advice I should take for myself now in a really different situation than before, but just as hard. I am not sure how to actually post something on a forum as this is my first ever time.

You are special and unique and I have no doubt you will find that special someone

[spunkyturtle]

Wow cb, that is ALOT to process. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed I can feel it as I read your post. I can relate to the anxiety of being in your thirties and wondering if you'll have the family you long for, I just turned 35 and as a female my clock is ticking, it's scary.

Im glad you found us and are sharing with us, it helps so much to talk to others and have support, and you are worth it! You're not burdening anyone.

[Dorian_Gray]

I’m in a similar situation Cb004 – andspunkyturtle-…it is a huge fear that you’ll be alone, it breaks my heart to think others are in the same situation and there is nothing I can do to help myself get what I want, let alone assist you.…I’m sure we’ve all tried so many things to find someone, and yet with no success…and you can’t not take it personally, because every time you get turned down it is personal, it’s another dream,
another piece of hope that has been killed within you. You do all the right things, stay fit, work hard, dress well etc. yet it’s all for nought…and no amount of other entertainments can ever make up for what you know you need – you’re starving for a connection, for a family, for someone to care, nothing else will ever satisfy you. I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t, I know it’s no consolation others suffer like you do.

Perhaps the only place you can ’go from here’ is just to keep going in the hope something will change…it’s a fairly empty promise and guarantees nothing, but is may be all you can do...false hope is sometimes all we have. Personally I wake up every morning thinking ‘maybe today, maybe today’ and go to bed every night, like a fool thinking ‘maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow’…but it is hard to keep the motivation when you know logically it’s all false optimism. I hope you find what you’re after, I hope everyone does.

[Starwolf]

Hi Cb004, welcome to the forums.

These forums are a good place to come to when you find yourself in a negative head space and can't get out of there. It is not the right place for diagnosis but what you are describing are common symptoms of depression, familiar to many of us.

I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and have a look at the Depression/Anxiety checklist in the Facts section. It will be an indicator of what you are up against. Depression is a medical condition, just like diabetes or cardiac problems for example. It should be regarded and treated as such. It has nothing to do with an inability to cope with life due to weakness or a flawed personality. Illness requires medical help.

A talk with a GP would be a wise starting point for diagnosis and initial assessment. You deserve to look after yourself, reclaim the quality of life and peace of mind which are your birthright.

Meeting the right partner may take time. The only safe way to hasten the possibility is to put yourself out there, join in group activities, cultivate hobbies etc...Similar interests and inclinations do help. Mental conditions often erode motivation which in turn leads to social isolation. Sometimes, too much self-sufficiency can push others away. Most of us need the feeling of being needed. Struggling alone too long can steel us to the point of keeping our vulnerability under wraps. It is also unnecessary and harmful, a drain on inner resources.

Your brave decision to reach out via these forums is proof that you know dealing with everything on your own is sometimes inadequate. This is not being a burden, more sharing and interacting at a deeper level. Navigating the forums will let you know that you are not -and don't need to be- alone. It is a safe space to connect, share and shed some of the mental/emotional overload.

You will be welcome with open hearts.

[Cb004]

I was overwhelmed tonight reading responses from my initial post. I burst out into tears reading replies.

I think I have fought so hard for so long with such a silent battle that it becomes somewhat more realistic that I have voiced my concerns.

I feel touched you have all taken time to reply. I really thought that what I said would just get lost in space.

I think the reason why I have never asked for help is because I didn't want anyone to think I was weak. I have tied alot of things to keep myself busy or distracted from wandering thoughts. I do have periods where I'm generally ok and try to be optimistic and then I'll have a bad few days which makes everything spiral out of control again.

I am a happy and humorous person generally. It's just so exhausting keeping up appearances when I'm not feeling good.

I feel as though I absorb Other people's negativity and take things too personally sometimes too.

It's like I know what the triggers are and I know that I shouldn't be thinking the way that I do, although no matter how much I try to change things I always end up back in the same headspace.

As I keep getting older I grow more angry, resentful and tired of feeling so unhappy. It's almost like I have lost the ability to care.

I do now see I need to get some help. I'm a little scared to ask but I guess realising I need to is a good first step.

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Hi CB

I haven't read all the posts but I've read a few and firstly you should be really proud of yourself 👊🏼

It it takes people years what you have shared so well done.

I don't know what your going through but you are not alone. You are not weak if you ask for help. That's the first step ask for help with the people that love you x keep strong keep going and keep doing what you love!

All the best your going to be great! Thank you for sharing your very very brace!!